Misery Loves Company

Misery loves company right?  That's why we have all found eachother...

I've written two posts on jealousy, but I want to create a more complete picture of how I feel about my friends and family who are pregnant or have children. 

I'm mostly only jealous of people I don't know or don't know too well.  Like the pregnant lady at Target last night.  I almost kicked myself for walking past the baby aisles.  I honestly look away when I see pregnant strangers.

My pregnant and mom friends for the most part are in their 30's and started having kids near that time.  How can I begrudge them that?

And many of my friends have had difficulty conceiving.  Here's a list (because misery loves company).

• My sister had a miscarriage before her current 20 week pregnancy.                                               (It's a boy! Just found out this week.)

• My good friend from high school struggled for almost 2 years and then had a miscarriage before  conceiving her daughter.  (She totally gave up caffeine after her miscarriage.  So did my sister.)

• Another high school friend had her first while on birth control at 22.  But it took her years to conceive her twin boys afterwards.

• My co-worker had a miscarriage in between her two healthy baby girls.  The 2nd time took at least 8 months.

• My other co-worker has been trying for over 2 years, has done meds and IUIs, and is on a break right now.

• A good friend and her husband tried for 2 years before having a successful 1st IVF.                   (She's 24 weeks.)

• My BFF swears she's NTNT (although she wants to have a baby but she has step-children and it's just complicated) and has had plenty of sex in the last year with no luck.  She started trying about the same time as me.  She just doesn't want to stress about it yet (even though she kinda is).

• Another friend tried for over a year (without intervention) and was totally shocked when she actually got pg.

• Another couple we are close to has tried for over a year with 2 miscarriages.  They haven't started interventions yet either, but are close.

So sadly, I've got a lot of company.  But I'm really not all that miserable, just a mixture of  a little sad and a lot frustrated.

Which means I'm going to be ok when I go to visit my college friend next week who has a 1 1/2 year old and got pregnant with #2 8 months after he was born and is due soon.  I'm a little nervous just that some unexpected lurking emotion will crop up, but I'm not jealous of her.  I'm happy for her.  (The conversation just always gets a little weird when I talk about my infertility in front of a pregnant woman.  Which I will because these are close friends that I haven't seen for awhile because we live across the state.)

I know many people feel alone in the journey so I hope my large network of fertility-challenged friends makes you feel less alone.

Questions and Doubt and More Questions

I need some help today ladies. 

Background: I've been charting my BBT for 11 cycles (out of my 19 TTC) and have gotten a clear temp rise each of those months...until this one.

Here are a few typical charts for reference.

Typically my coverline is at 97.4 (above is 97.3) and my post-O temps are 97.6 or higher.

I don't typically get an O dip, but I did the month above.

And here's this month.

My IUI was on CD12.  The 2 temps before that were 97.6 that I disturbed because the puppy and then Mr. GG's snoring kept me restless all night.  The next day was 97.5 which is the day we triggered. And then ever since the IUI it's been 97.6....EVERY....DAY.  I was also on Estrace for the 2 temps pre-IUI.

Now 97.6 is typically a post-O temp for me.  I also felt ovary pain on CD11 and 12 and it went away after that.

I am just slightly freaked out that I can't see a clear temp jump, that somehow this is the first month in 19 that I haven't ovulated (even though I saw the 21 and 18mm follies with my own eyes) and that somehow we mis-timed everything.

Mr. GG and I did it the old-fashioned way on the night of the IUI and the night after, but we didn't last night (long story).

Can anyone provide any reassurance?

Sorry if I sound crazy, and that you have to read through a rambling mess, but you get it right?  I know I could have solved this whole problem by either temping the entire month or not temping at all, but because I have, I'm frustrated.  Mr. GG keeps asking what each temp "means" and I keep repeating that I have no idea and then give him my half-baked theories.

What I really want to know is:
1) Does Estrace (Estrogen) 6 mg vaginally increase temp?
2) How long does it stay in my system?
3) Is there any way to not ovulate after a trigger shot?
4) Am I nuts? : )

Spe.culum Jokes? (and IUI #3)

So at my IUI yesterday, I didn't get a new room, so I don't have a new ceiling picture to post, but I did get a different Nurse Practitioner.  I am so glad I didn't get the first lady who couldn't get the catheter in and made me bleed.  I loved having my illustrious doctor himself the second time, but I knew it would be unlikely to be that lucky again.  So this spunky lady with short white hair walks in and says, "You want some sperm?"  I replied that yes I did want some sperm and the tone was set.

The next thing she said was "Wow, these speculums are all really big. You'd be really mad at me if I used one of these."  She then proceeded to find a smaller version and I thanked her.

It was pretty funny.  It was just so casual and not like what we were doing was a big deal.

(I advise you not to google image search "speculum" like I just did.  Gross.)

I told her that she's the third person to do an IUI for me and asked if she was my lucky charm.

Then the final speculum joke.  I guess I better take this out so that you can get out of here. Which led to a really weird discussion about reactions if she didn't take it out.  Obviously not even on the realm of possibilty.

It was all kind of over the edge of inappropriate, but it just seemed like her personality and was a funny contrast to the seriousness that surrounds most infertility visits.

The whole thing went smoothly and I waited 15 minutes after instead of 10.  The office was super busy and I felt a little stressed picturing them wondering when I would leave so they could open the room up, but I just kept saying to myself, "This is for you; you have to be a little selfish."

The ovary pain continued through last night.  It's not exactly painful, just weird and uncomfortable.  I didn't get it any other month on Clomid.  Maybe it's a good sign.

This morning my temp was not up but it was a weird week.  My usual post O temp is higher than 97.6, but I get a few occasionally 97.6's thrown in.  Wednesday was 97.6, but I was disturbed by puppy and Mr. GG's snoring so I discarded the temp.  Thursday was 97.5 and then Friday and today were both 97.6.  The only other explanation could be that the Estrogen caused higher pre-O temps and that now that I'm not taking it, I'm back to my normal range.  There's no real good way to know though and that's the part of this process that really freaks me out.

Did the HCG shot not trigger me?  Was the IUI at the wrong time?  I know none of this really matters because based on the size of the follie and my ovary pain, I definitely O'd or am O'ing right now.  And even if the IUI is 2 days ahead, it should still be good.  See my self-doubt and then rationalization?  My head swims circles in this vein of thought all throughout the day.

In other news, Mr. GG and I had sex last night.  Real sex.  Like with orgasms for both of us.  It had literally been a month.  I don't know why having sex becomes so hard even when it's pretty good sex.  Overall we've probably had more sex in this year and a half than in the previous one, but it's just different.  (I will have to cut this paragraph if I ever come out of the closet with my blogger identity!)

I plan not to test and do the same as last month meaning I will be trying to not post any symptoms or talk about the TWW (shh!) during the TWW.

Triggered Already, What?!

Two posts in a day...crazy, I know.

The first thing the NP said after she started the ultrasound was that my lining looked way better.  I literally asked "really?" with a huge grin on my face.  You see on the car ride to the RE's office, I prepared myself.  I said I would be upset (justifiably) with 5 like last month, ok with 6, happy with 7, and super excited at anything above 7.  Normal people usually measure 8mm and above.  She measured and it was 7, therefore, I am "happy". : )

Next she got to my left ovary and said there was nothing going on.  Nothing?  Hmm...  Not reassuring.  Then on the right (which is definitely tender) she found 3 follies: at 21, 17, and 14mm.  I've never had a 21 on CD11 before.  She said because of it's size it looked like I would surge soon and we decided to trigger instead so that I could avoid those hateful OPKs and get everything set and scheduled tomorrow.  And also to avoid ovulating before my appointment.

I'm going to ovulate on CD12 this month.  Crazy!  That means my cycle will only be 25 or 26 days. 

Just the other day Mr. GG was saying, we're ready for the IUI already?  It seems like we just did one.  I totally agree.  What a difference a week shorter cycle really makes!

I also excited that we're doing an IUI 24 hours after trigger.  For the first IUI I didn't surge until the afternoon and had already O'd by my appointment in the morning.  Last month we did it 36 hours after.  I didn't temp, so I don't know if I O'd before or after that.  But 24 makes me feel like I'll O right after the IUI which seems perfect.

If you're counting this pushes my due date forward to October 20th...  Yes I know it's silly to know that every single month.

And since I wrote this in the afternoon and am posting at night, I'll also mention my meltdown tonight.  I'm stressed that we haven't had ANY sex on our own this month - well since before last month's IUI - and that somehow I will ovulate before my IUI tomorrow not that it would be the worst ever but I really want to O after.  And I'm tired from the puppy keeping me up and I had a big department meeting that I had to plan and it's the end of the semester so grades are due on Monday and I have a ton of essays to grade and Mr. GG didn't answer his freaking phone until 3:00 today...didn't even text me back and then I spiraled into a annoyingly horrible bad mood and ended up crying on the way home from picking up Chinese food.  And I'm not totally sure why...I really just think I'm tired and stressed.  End stream of consciousness rant.

E-Stim my Ovaries?

So I had my 4th acupuncture session last night.  I'm not sure if it's because I went slightly later in my cycle (Day 10) or because the first cycle was unsuccessful, but she tried a whole bunch of new things last night.

She put a lot more needles in, especially in my abdomen.  Usually she uses 4 there and about 6 more around my body.  Last night there were at least 6 in my abdomen and quite a few every else.  Then she asked if I minded using electrical stimulation to further stimulate blood flow to my ovaries.  I said sure!

The only experience I have had with e-stim was during physical therapy after I badly sprained my ankle in high school.  They attached something to my foot and all I remember is that it made my big toe twitch every time it pulsed. 

It was like this picture, but in my abdomen.  She connected the wires to just 2 needles, the ones right above each ovary.  She said I would feel a tapping sensation and that was basically what it was.  Weird.  And cool at the same time.

She also played a fertility meditation CD for me instead of the usual spa music.  I dozed in and out during the 2 meditations (it was 7 o'clock, dark, and the puppy has been keeping me from sleeping) but I remember a few things. 

The first one was about finding my true self at some point inside my body.  I'm not very experienced at meditation, but I'm very open to it and believe it has major power in controlling your body.  So I really tried hard to focus and do and feel the things the CD said.  I somehow pictured myself sitting on a lily pad in the "Om" pose but it was all centered in my chest and I was looking at myself from above.  Also weird.

The second meditation was about opening your heart.  There are a few statements that stuck out that I still remember today.  One, was to experience joy in your life, now, every day, don't wait for joy to come.  This is part of opening your heart to be ready for a baby.  I think it's such a fabulous statement that we all need to keep in mind.  The second I remember was opening the channel between your heart and your uterus.  I really tried and I think I pictured this happening (in an abstract art kind of way).  More weird.

I still think she leaves me in the room by myself for way too long - like 45 minutes.  I can't really handle more than 30 without going stir crazy, but otherwise I think it was a good night.

In other related news, I FEEL my ovaries this week.  They feel super full.  It's weird.  Hopefully that means that a few nice big follies are fighting for space in each one.  (And not that I've been over-stimulated - but there's no pain, just an odd feeling). My ultrasound is today - yay!  So I will let you know how it went soon.  I still feel that we're on track for the IUI on Sunday.  I'm having a little trouble temping accurately because of the puppy so I'm a little nervous about timing everything.  I'm doing my OPKs.  Did I mention last month that I bought like 4 different brands to make sure that I didn't miss it?  Yeah.  I hate them and they stress me out.  I'm doing the Clearblue Digital and the First Response both each morning.  I guess I probably need to add the afternoon starting today...HATE IT.  But maybe I'll trigger again and then I can stop worrying about it.

I hope all of you out there are doing well and are happy.  I know quite a few women that are in really difficult places right now both with hope after IVF transfer and dissapointment after interventions not working out and my heart goes out to all of you!!  Remember experience joy in your life, now, every day, don't wait for joy to come.

And reality sets in...

Oh my gosh, I am so tired!  I knew what a puppy entailed before I got one, but it was a bit of a shock to suddenly lose all of my independence in one day.

Mr. GG has work dinners M-W this week so it's just me and Stella after work.  Usually I stay at school until 3:30 or 4:00 even though we are done at 2:30.  That's out.  Also, when am I supossed to get my accupuncture and go to Yoga?  I know that I can't stop living my life and I won't, but until she's able to be outside during the day I feel bad leaving her alone for even a minute in the evening.

But I love her : ).  I'm trying not to cuddle with her too much so that she won't totally prefer me over the crate, but I do love her warm little body on mine.

Technically it's been 22 years since I've had a puppy and I forgot about the "mouthing."  I only know the term today because last night I googled "my puppy won't stop biting me."  I made sure to yelp loudly and quit playing whenever she was too rough but still, the constant gnawing is frustrating!

Everything is going pretty well though.  She was able to hold it for 3 1/2 hours twice yesterday so I think we're in the clear for no accidents in the crate.  I think we're going to get a dog walker to come for the mid-day exercise and feeding because Mr. GG's schedule is not very consistent.  Does $300 a month sound reasonable?  That's the cheapest I've been able to find for every day 20 minute visit.

We had one less night-time pee last night, but a lot more whining - probably because she had already slept all day!

And don't worry, I won't turn this into a puppy blog...

*************************************************************************

In other news.  Today is CD9.  I finished my Clomid (50mg) on 7 and started Estrace last night on 8.  I am really not fond of putting pills up my you know what.  Really not fond.  I am going to try to make a later accupuncture appointment today (after puppy potty time).  And hopefully I'll be on my way growing a really thick lining!  I'm going to shoot for 8mm since I've never been measured over 6 before (and 5 last month).

Ultrasound is on Thursday and I imagine IUI #3 will be on Sunday.

Maybe-baby's due date: 10/22.

I'm a MOM!!!

Her name is Stella and I'm in love : )

We adopted her from an animal shelter in our area on Saturday.  She's from a litter of 7 puppies.  Someone left them on the side of a freeway!

We were so lucky to get her!  She's been at the shelter since the beginning of January, but was recently with a foster family to prevent kennel cough.  She just got back to the shelter on Friday.  I'm pretty sure all of her brothers and sisters have been adopted by now.

She's a shepherd blend, two months old, barely over 3 pounds.

Mr. GG and I have been talking about getting a dog for about 4 months now.  We originally went to the shelter at the start of our search, but weren't committed yet.  Our biggest issue was breed.  I wanted a mutt, shelter dog and DH went from wanting a Pug, to a French Bulldog, to I don't know what.

He's been travelling a lot of the last few weeks for work and so I told him on Wednesday that we were getting a dog on Saturday and he went with it : ).

We went back to the same shelter and saw a lot of great dogs, but really liked these puppies.  Mr. GG was really not convinced that we needed a dog NOW, but he's a sucker for a cute dog.  I liked pretty much all of the dogs in the litter, but he preferred the runt.  I wanted to make sure he was fully in, so we went with his choice and she's perfect : )

We started crate training right away and she is totally comfortable inside the crate which is great.  She only let out a couple of yelps the each time she went in during the night Saturday and Sunday, but at 6 on Saturday morning, she was DONE!  She yelled like a banshee.  Luckily on weekdays, I get up at 6 so I thought it would be fine, but DH called to tell me that she pooped in the corner of our bedroom while I was brushing my teeth.  Arg.  We've got a long road ahead!
I'm nervous about leaving her today, but Mr. GG works near our house so he'll come let her out around 11:30 and then I'll be home around 3:30.  I hope she doesn't think we hate her!!  Fingers crossed today goes well!