A Poem for World Prematurity Day

I wrote this poem about a year ago when Dylan was almost 2 months into his nearly 5 month NICU stay after being born at 25 weeks after I went into unexplained pre-term labor at 23 weeks.

I don't write poetry, but on this day, there was no other way to express my emotions. Dylan was sleeping on me in the rocker right outside of his crib, cords still attached to all of the monitors.  I haven't shared it with one person before today, not even my husband, since it is so personal and emotional.

But I'm sharing it with the world today to support further research on the overwhelming problem of prematurity. Please support The March of Dimes.

I met you...

before  it was time.

before your eyes opened.

before you had eyelashes and eyebrows.

before you could breathe by yourself.

before you had any fat on your body.

I watched you...

open your eyes for the first time; 

first the left, then the right.

take your first breath on your own.

squeeze your tiny little hand around my finger.

recover from heart surgery that left a sickle-shaped scar on your side.

I cheered...

when you reached three pounds;

and then four,

and then four and a half.

when I first heard your little cry when you were extubated, after weeks of silence.

when the eye doctor told me your eyes looked great.

I cried...

while telling you to be brave before surgery (when I was really telling myself to be brave).

while giving you your first bath.

while watching you struggle to breathe.

when I couldn't take you to Thanksgiving dinner.

I laughed...

when you first smiled - even if it was really just a twitch.

and when you were sitting on Dr Santa's lap staring wide-eyed at his beard.

I love you...

more than you will ever understand.

Mostly Wordless Wednesday

I came across this buzzfeed of infertility e cards. These were my favorites:

Link: http://www.babble.com/pregnancy/30-best-snarky-someecards-for-infertility-and-ivf/college-fund/

Which one do you like best?

Losing It.

So I guess this is about being WOHM.  The only thing I would change about my situation is to teach 4 classes instead of 5 like I asked for last year, but otherwise, I would still be a WOHM and a mom.

In the normal course of a school year, I often get very stressed out...to the point of tears.  It probably happens 3-4 times a school year and is definitely worse at the beginning of the year.  When I'm not near tears, I have constant tightness in my shoulders.  Abnormal tightness.  I definitely have some anxiety issues, but so far never bad enough to seek help.

So teaching like normal while being a parent is hard!

I'm actually managing it pretty well.  I stay at school until 3:30, an hour after the last class.  Until this last week, I got more done on my prep period and after school than ever before.  I'm relatively caught up on papers, I'm relatively prepared for what I'm teaching.  But still I always feel like I'm a day from everything spiraling out of control.  Then I come home and am with Dylan from about 4 until nearly 8.  We usually eat dinner after he goes to bed because it's just easier.

Last year, when I got home from school, I'd decompress.  I like it quiet.  My day is really loud.  Now I can't decompress until 8.  And I usually do - and it works well enough.

But there is so much else. There's my laundry.  And cleaning out the refrigerator.  And grading the papers.  And I think it got worse last week because it was the second week without the nanny.  She didn't do a ton to help me, but did take care of Dylan's laundry and I didn't have to prepare food for him the night before.

I was feeling caught up on the papers, partially because I was having my students do in-class writing.  A classroom full of students writing quietly = great paper-grading time.  The problem: they turn in more papers at the end of the period!!  I have a student TA grade all the little stuff, but I still have two classes of AP essays, 2 classes of analysis paragraphs and in the next two weeks I'll be collecting MAJOR assignments...the kind that I need an entire Thanksgiving or Christmas vacation to grade.  What I currently have with me would probably take 4-5 hours if I was really focused.

Besides those stresses, I'm having light sensitivity which I think it being caused by tension in my forehead (thanks Goo.g.le).  I also have a diminished appetite which is not like me at all.  I'm having trouble actually eating some foods, with absolutely no warning.  The only other time I've had this problem is when I was pregnant.  (And no that is a complete impossibility.  You have to have sex to get pregnant.  We don't.)  So tonight I ate cereal instead of the ravioli I was supposed to eat for dinner.  And I'm still hungry.

So basically - I completely enjoy my life - but I have absolutely no personal time.  And I don't really expect to.  But the lack of personal time and the same stresses I had pre-child are creating an untenable situation.  I need to figure out how to find some small bits of time for myself both to take care of things around the house and take care of myself i.e. massages or yoga or else I will become a tightly-woven sobbing mess.  And that won't help anybody.

And so I'm taking the day off tomorrow.  First, I will do laundry.  Then I will put away all of the clothes that are in various places around the house.  Then I will grade papers and/or plan classes.  Then I will get a massage.

And thank goodness for grandmas.  The new nanny (who I think I love) is starting on Thursday, but my wonderful mother will be here tomorrow and Tuesday. She's the very best.

And the part of the post your probably enjoy the most...touchdown!

Second First Halloween

I'm stealing P's post title because I like it!

We are starting a season of second "first" holidays.  Dylan was only 3 weeks old at this date last year.  He was still right around two pounds, or about 900 grams.  I had a little Halloween preemie onesie that I laid on top of him at one point.  It would have been huge.  Halloween wasn't tough in the "holiday" sense since Dylan was in very serious condition at this point.  He needed to be in the hospital and it barely registered that it was in fact Halloween.  I don't remember being jealous of baby or pumpking patch pictures.  I was too busy.

But as I was reading P's post, I realized what was actually happening on Halloween last year.  Dylan had his PDA Ligation.  That's the surgery where they close put a clamp on the PDA valve between the heart and lungs.  It's supposed to close at birth, but does not in the case of many preemies.  He wasn't eligible for the medicine to close it because he was also have bowel issues.

I remember sitting next to his isolette in the brand new private room in the new NICU that had opened the day earlier.  I remember telling him to be brave and that I loved him.  And it seriously chokes me up to think back on it.

During his surgery I sat outside by a fountain and cried.  I'm not sure exactly why I was by myself, but I was and it was probably easier that way.  I never thought anything bad would happen, I really didn't.  I was just so sad for him and for us.  This wasn't something any of us should be having to go through.

The surgery went very well although it took longer than we expected to recover.  Today was the beginning of a turning point last year.  About 8 days later, Dylan finally got off the ventilator which was when we first got to start imagining bringing him home.  At this early stage, I didn't even plan a shower or finish the nursery.  We weren't sure if he would make it and wanted to protect ourselves and not jinx anything.

I'm glad that I forgot about what today marks.  I was too busy preparing my Katniss costume and texting the nanny for pictures of Dylan in his second costume.  The one I saw at Target last night and just had to have.

And now for the pictures of my 14 pound larger, breathing on his own, fully mobile Cowboy Monster!

7 Minute Blogging

Otherwise titled "Why I don't have time to blog."

And it's not because I have a pre-toddler almost toddling around.

This is how my day looked.

6:45 - Leave for work. Almost late, but not quite.

7:30-2:30 - Teach kids.

2:30-3:30- Grade kids' writing while other kids help grade vocab notebooks. (it never ends...never...never...)

4:00 - Pick Dylan up from nice grandmotherly lady who is watching him until Nanny #2 starts late next week.  Yep.  Nanny #1 bit the dust.  That's a story for another blog entry.

4:30 - Thankfully take the wrong way home and pass Rubio's.  (If you're not from a state that has Rubio's, definitely get a fish taco when you're in the West!)  Get a very early fish taco since I'm hungry. So fortunate since I would not have another chance to eat for 3 hours and it probably would have been a frozen burrito.  Or cereal.

4:45-7:20 - Eat. Play. Try to get Dylan to eat. Try to keep Stella from hurting Dylan (also a story for later). Try to get Dylan to sleep without lots of crying.

7:20 - SUCCESS!  Dylan literally cried for one minute.

7:22 - Shower so as to look presentable for kids tomorrow.  Been relying on dry shampoo far too often as of late.

8:00 - Eat ice cream and drink wine and watch Revenge. (This was the original blogging slot, but wine and ice cream won out.) Trying to make sure I keep energy enough to pack Dylan for his "nanny" tomorrow since I'm single-parenting tonight.

9:00 - Wash bottles and pack Dylan's food and milk for tomorrow.

9:53 - Decide that you really do actually want to write that blog entry...before feeding Dylan again at 10.

It's 10:04 now, so I'm a little late, but this is my life (at least when I'm single-parenting).  By the way, single-parenting is no joke.  Thankfully, I usually only have 1 or 2 days at a time.  I know many moms who have weeks at a time and a few that are always single parents.  I cannot imagine how hard it is, but RESPECT ladies!

Ok 10:05.  I really do plan to blog much more.  It's just that I keep assigning these damn writing assignments so that my kiddos learn to write before they leave high school and then I have to grade all of the damn assignments and then I have no time beyond reading them and raising my son to write this blog!  Maybe I should spend less time at my other two jobs.  Just kidding.

To be continued...

And pictures of my cruising pre-toddler:

(Ack!  I edited a bit and now it's 10:16...ok, 23 minute blogging.)  

Pumpkin Patch!

I want to blog SO BAD! I write posts constantly in my head.  But I just don't have enough free computer time at the moment...

So I will just post some pictures.  Enjoy : )

Milestones Galore

Time for a happy post.  Especially since our life is a pretty happy life!  Dylan is hitting milestones left and right these days.  He's right on track for his adjusted age of 8 1/2 months.

First up: CRAWLING!!

I keep saying to myself that each stage is even more fun than the last.  And it just keeps happening!  It took Dylan a really long time to be able to roll from his back to his tummy.  I think he finally got it around 6 1/2 months, but it was still occasional.  I helped him "practice" crawling by getting his knees under him and rocking him back and forth.  And that's where he stayed for quite a while.  Oh and he was really good at pushing himself backward and boy did that frustrate him!

A couple of weeks ago, he started rolling more frequently and actually using it to move his position.  Then about a week ago, he began pushing himself into a plank or downward dog-type position.  And I got the awesome picture below!  I titled it "the bear in his natural habitat."  (If you haven't ever done bear crawls as a team sport punishment, you're missing out.)

He was also doing occasional one pull army crawls mixed with rolling to get himself around.

Then on Thursday, MrGG and I both saw him take one real crawl.  He didn't continue, but we saw that he knew what to do.

On Friday my Dad watched Dylan and he's the kind of dad that really likes to be the first to see things.  It's a little annoying, but doesn't bother me that much.  So when I got home, he showed me a video of Dylan really crawling.  Now he's off!

He's not going too quickly, but he's fully mobile.  He's even sitting up on his knees, checking out the stairs and pulling to stand occasionally.

Although I'm slightly scared of his new independence, it's so much fun to see his excitement! He was getting really frustrated the last couple of weeks.

*     *     *     *     *

Milestone 2: Clapping!

Dylan still goes to OT twice a month and she's been mentioning for awhile that she'd like to see him bang two one-inch blocks together.  He has never showed the slightest interest.

Then on Saturday, he started playing with his hands together, almost in a hand-washing kind of motion.  I helped him "clap" a few times and then we clapped while he was doing the thing with his hands and by yesterday, he was clapping on his own!  Not exactly a real clap - no noise - but very close.

Here he is clapping for a Chargers' touchdown!  (Well...he didn't really know they scored, but the timing was pretty close.)

*     *     *     *     *

And the teeth keep breaking through...  The first two appeared within a week of each other at 6 months.  Now finally a third appeared on the top next to center last week.

Times they are a changing!

He turns 1 in exactly a week so I am in full party-planning mode.  The grandparents only party that I wanted has turned into a party of nearly 50, kids included.  I'm trying to keep it simple, but at the same time I want my house to be perfect.  And I feel like I should probably finish the nursery. You know, since he'll be ONE.  Wish me luck!