Otherwise titled: "Just a little DIY."
Dylan loves the hot dog dance which DH had playing throughout so he danced the party away!
Monday, October 13, 2014
#MicroblogMondays - Hot Diggity Dog!
Otherwise titled: "Just a little DIY."
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Two Years Later
Some days I will look at my Blogger Stats to see which posts people are currently reading. And when it's been awhile, I'll click on that post too. Earlier this week, I clicked on my IVF posts and kept reading through the pregnancy posts.
You know, like when we found out that our two transferred embryos had turned into four babies.
I don't really need to look back at the controversy aspect of it anymore. I'm completely over it I think. And I get it. But I don't for a second wish that I had done anything differently (past the decision to transfer two embryos). And I have this amazing son to show for it all.
So instead, I have been looking at it in a personal way. It's sad to see how such an exciting time (the first 6 weeks) turned into the opposite. Yes, I was incredibly thankful that I was pregnant, but all of the excitement was replaced by physical sickness and fear. I was incredibly scared of having a higher order multiple pregnancy (only 3 of the babies continued to progress normally). I was scared of reduction. I was scared about losing the entire pregnancy.
After the reduction I felt a great sense of relief. And I enjoyed the following 10 weeks. But the scar of the preceding months was still there. So I don't think it was the same unadulterated joy that many other women feel.
And then I went into labor at 23 weeks and time basically stopped. I definitely didn't enjoy the 17 Magnesium Sulfate and painful contraction-filled days of hoping that I wouldn't go into labor.
I never had a chance to even consider a birth plan, so I wasn't fazed by the actual birth which surprisingly was able to be vaginal (but in the OR just in case). I definitely can't call it a beautiful or amazing experience. I was just happy that the 20+ doctors in the room (maybe that's an exaggeration, but not by much) delivered Dylan safely and took care of me well and especially happy that I heard him cry and got to touch him before he was taken to the NICU bed that was already waiting for him.
Is it a coincidence that all of this is coming up on the 2nd anniversary of his birth? Probably not. I think for the past two years I've focused on how thankful I was that everything turned out so well when the odds were not in our favor. And I think now I'm feeling more anger at what was lost in the process.
What we went through was amazing in so many ways and in a weird way, I appreciate it. It was very special to watch and help Dylan develop through such tough odds. But I still marvel every day at the people who have perfect term babies and hold them after birth and breastfeed and bring them home a day or two later. Many of them don't get how lucky they are. I don't want anyone to have to go through what we did, but it's just a weird feeling watching how it is supposed to go. And I don't for a minute pretend to think that many people don't have traumatic birth experiences or severe medical issues that have nothing to do with prematurity.
And that brings me to an article I saw on Facebook yesterday about a couple pregnant with quads after trying for a baby for 7 years and transferring 2 embryos. They are excited (and shocked) and are planning to have their four babies. And I hope beyond hope that everything goes perfectly. There were quads born during our NICU stay and they were released after like 2 weeks in perfect health. Amazing! But I worry for this couple. I just hope everything turns out okay. And I wonder how often this happens? How many other people out there had quads (or triplets) after transferring 2 embryos? One couple per year? More? Do we not hear about because it's rare? Or common? Or because many of the couples reduce the pregnancy? I think there needs to be more data collected so that people undergoing fertility treatments have as many facts as possible.
I didn't have a third trimester. I barely felt Dylan kick and I definitely was not able to bond with him before he was born. I was a zombie during weeks 6-13 of my pregnancy and hooked to machines and IVs for weeks 23-25. I spent what would have been weeks 25-27 staring at my tiny 1lb 15oz baby and touching his head to comfort him. During week 27, I finally got to hold him, but not again for quite awhile. During week 28, I waited through his heart surgery (PDA ligation). That was on Halloween. I cried through Thanksgiving, but smiled as the head Neonatologist dressed up as Santa a few weeks before Christmas. That would have been week 32. By his due date, I knew he was still not ready to come home and that's when the bitterness got worse. It was all borrowed time before then. He finally came home 5 weeks after his due date, two weeks after our 5th holiday in the NICU, Valentine's Day.
I am angry about what I went through and I think about it often.
But now I have a two year old. He walks and talks and eats and laughs and smiles and dances. He dances! I can't say that I wouldn't change parts of our journey if I could. But I sure wouldn't change my little Angel.
Happy Second Birthday Dylan!
Monday, October 6, 2014
#MicroblogMondays - Sunday Morning Date
I took Dylan to eat breakfast at Einstein's bagels yesterday. One, because I needed to get out and two, because it's in the same parking lot as Home Goods.
But Home Goods is actually a fantastic spot for a toddler! There is so much to see, animals, shapes, colors, you name it.
We turned one corner and Dylan yells "clock," or actually "cock," and then we find all of the other clocks in that section.
I let him feel the texture of all of the different pumpkin art from smooth glass to rough twigs.
And I couldn't leave without seeing if they had any good children's books. I got I Love You Through and Through (for my nephew); Good Night, I Love You; Raffi's The Wheels on the Bus; and the real score, The Day the Crayons Quit.
Very successful and fun-filled morning for mama and son.
But Home Goods is actually a fantastic spot for a toddler! There is so much to see, animals, shapes, colors, you name it.
We turned one corner and Dylan yells "clock," or actually "cock," and then we find all of the other clocks in that section.
I let him feel the texture of all of the different pumpkin art from smooth glass to rough twigs.
And I couldn't leave without seeing if they had any good children's books. I got I Love You Through and Through (for my nephew); Good Night, I Love You; Raffi's The Wheels on the Bus; and the real score, The Day the Crayons Quit.
Very successful and fun-filled morning for mama and son.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Haircuts
Dylan has a lot of hair and he has had quite a few haircuts. Four to be exact. And I hate them so very much. I have visions of long surfer-boy hair. But it doesn't work so well when the hair is poker straight (like mine). And so after a nearly 2 year battle, Dylan is getting a short hair cut for his 2nd birthday next week.
Haircut #1 was a pretty short cut. We evened out all the baby hairs. I pretty much hated it and was very sad.
Haircut #2 was an interim cut to make it look more stylish while I grew it back out. I was pretty happy with the stylist and results.
Haircut #3 was a reaction to my father cutting Dylan bangs while I was at work. I am still not over it. And my Dad still thinks I've let Dylan's hair grow just to spite him. Again, pretty good stylist. Pretty good results.
Haircut #4 was a trim for family pictures. But it was probably the worst of the four cuts.
All of these cuts were at one of those fancy expensive kid's cut places where they get to sit in airplane chairs and watch movies. But this time we are going to my stylist. She has a toddler nephew who she watches once a week and although his hair is long and curly, I'm putting the fate of Dylan's hair in her hands. (And yes, I'm nervous about it.)
Sure you could take this as just some petty little thing in life, but for me it's not. I look and think about his hair just about every second I'm with him! If something unfortunate happens to his hair, I feel bad about it and dwell on it. I hate how his bangs are always in his eyes and I feel like I've ruined tons of adorable pictures, but I really wanted the long hair thing to work.
So I'm giving up and giving in. But when Daddy wasn't home I gave him his first ponytail while I still have the chance : )
Haircut #1 was a pretty short cut. We evened out all the baby hairs. I pretty much hated it and was very sad.
Haircut #2 was an interim cut to make it look more stylish while I grew it back out. I was pretty happy with the stylist and results.
Haircut #3 was a reaction to my father cutting Dylan bangs while I was at work. I am still not over it. And my Dad still thinks I've let Dylan's hair grow just to spite him. Again, pretty good stylist. Pretty good results.
Haircut #4 was a trim for family pictures. But it was probably the worst of the four cuts.
All of these cuts were at one of those fancy expensive kid's cut places where they get to sit in airplane chairs and watch movies. But this time we are going to my stylist. She has a toddler nephew who she watches once a week and although his hair is long and curly, I'm putting the fate of Dylan's hair in her hands. (And yes, I'm nervous about it.)
Sure you could take this as just some petty little thing in life, but for me it's not. I look and think about his hair just about every second I'm with him! If something unfortunate happens to his hair, I feel bad about it and dwell on it. I hate how his bangs are always in his eyes and I feel like I've ruined tons of adorable pictures, but I really wanted the long hair thing to work.
So I'm giving up and giving in. But when Daddy wasn't home I gave him his first ponytail while I still have the chance : )
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
My New Stressor
My job.
I have used this space to talk through all of the stress and anxiety of infertility, pre-term labor, and a long NICU stay and I have avoided talking about work for a variety of reasons.
But today my shoulder muscles are locked tight and I am extremely stressed at 8 am. I even warned my husband that I was already really tired and stressed (so expect a less nicer version of me today and please get home early if possible!).
I've been a high school teacher for about 10 years, but this year I took a new position as a Literacy Resource Teacher. I still get to teach two periods a day (I say "get" because that's the fun part), but now I am responsible for coordinating literacy for all teachers in my large 100+ teacher school. I know literacy. I think I'm pretty good at translating it to others even in non-English classrooms. But I'm also having to deal with politics and difficult people on a daily basis and I don't like it!
I hear information that I can't tell anyone (which is a skill I have been practicing; it does not come easily to me).
I create plans in collaboration with people only to have the same people disagree with the plan when we're finally supposed to get the work done.
I tip-toe around some extremely irrational people.
I gently try to move adult professionals in the direction that I want them to go without them noticing because they would prefer to do nothing at all.
They make toddlers seem easy!
And I think the biggest change for me is being responsible for so many disconnected things at the same time. In the past, my stress has come from planning my classes, trying to get grading done, etc. It's always been a ton of work and stress. But in the end, I was accountable to myself and the students. I was putting the pressure on myself. Now I have like 5 different jobs (including the first one) and people that I am accountable to outside of the classroom.
Ok and last. The system. The freaking educational system. I really want to affect change. If I didn't, I would just sit in my classroom and teach AP English which is a lot of work, but a lot of fun and extremely rewarding. But I have stupid ideals and I want to actually make a difference in the world, blah, blah, blah...but it's so freaking hard to make anyone do anything different. I could start my own school...and I might. But I really want to help the public school system where the majority of the kids are. Gosh no wonder I'm stressed, I'm trying to change the world, and people are assholes. : )
Let me just take it down a notch and focus on today. And Dylan.
Exhale.
I have used this space to talk through all of the stress and anxiety of infertility, pre-term labor, and a long NICU stay and I have avoided talking about work for a variety of reasons.
But today my shoulder muscles are locked tight and I am extremely stressed at 8 am. I even warned my husband that I was already really tired and stressed (so expect a less nicer version of me today and please get home early if possible!).
I've been a high school teacher for about 10 years, but this year I took a new position as a Literacy Resource Teacher. I still get to teach two periods a day (I say "get" because that's the fun part), but now I am responsible for coordinating literacy for all teachers in my large 100+ teacher school. I know literacy. I think I'm pretty good at translating it to others even in non-English classrooms. But I'm also having to deal with politics and difficult people on a daily basis and I don't like it!
I hear information that I can't tell anyone (which is a skill I have been practicing; it does not come easily to me).
I create plans in collaboration with people only to have the same people disagree with the plan when we're finally supposed to get the work done.
I tip-toe around some extremely irrational people.
I gently try to move adult professionals in the direction that I want them to go without them noticing because they would prefer to do nothing at all.
They make toddlers seem easy!
And I think the biggest change for me is being responsible for so many disconnected things at the same time. In the past, my stress has come from planning my classes, trying to get grading done, etc. It's always been a ton of work and stress. But in the end, I was accountable to myself and the students. I was putting the pressure on myself. Now I have like 5 different jobs (including the first one) and people that I am accountable to outside of the classroom.
Ok and last. The system. The freaking educational system. I really want to affect change. If I didn't, I would just sit in my classroom and teach AP English which is a lot of work, but a lot of fun and extremely rewarding. But I have stupid ideals and I want to actually make a difference in the world, blah, blah, blah...but it's so freaking hard to make anyone do anything different. I could start my own school...and I might. But I really want to help the public school system where the majority of the kids are. Gosh no wonder I'm stressed, I'm trying to change the world, and people are assholes. : )
Let me just take it down a notch and focus on today. And Dylan.
Exhale.
Monday, September 29, 2014
#MicroblogMondays - Sick : (
Oh the never ending mind game of wondering when is the right time to pull the trigger and take your sick kid to the doctor...
We have been so lucky that Dylan has not been sick too often in his 2 years of life, but we've also taken lots of precautions to make this happen: nanny, restricted winter activities, extra worry, etc. But he's sick now and it's the first cough he's ever had and it's in his lungs and I'm freaking out because it sounds a lot like the Enterovirus (which has already had cases confirmed in my County).
I haven't taken him in yet because he's acting normal (like singing in between coughing) and he's eating and drinking okay (not great) and he doesn't have a temp, but I'm just waiting for that additional factor to push me to take him in.
Bedtime is the worst, breathing-wise, which is hard because I know he's better served sleeping than crying in a doctor's office...but then everything improves in the daytime and the cycle starts over.
So we wait.
(Please don't worry that I won't take him in...I absolutely will if there is no improvement, he has retractions, clear wheezing, or any other scary bad worsening symptom.)
What is #Microblog Mondays? See the original explanation here.
We have been so lucky that Dylan has not been sick too often in his 2 years of life, but we've also taken lots of precautions to make this happen: nanny, restricted winter activities, extra worry, etc. But he's sick now and it's the first cough he's ever had and it's in his lungs and I'm freaking out because it sounds a lot like the Enterovirus (which has already had cases confirmed in my County).
I haven't taken him in yet because he's acting normal (like singing in between coughing) and he's eating and drinking okay (not great) and he doesn't have a temp, but I'm just waiting for that additional factor to push me to take him in.
Bedtime is the worst, breathing-wise, which is hard because I know he's better served sleeping than crying in a doctor's office...but then everything improves in the daytime and the cycle starts over.
So we wait.
(Please don't worry that I won't take him in...I absolutely will if there is no improvement, he has retractions, clear wheezing, or any other scary bad worsening symptom.)
What is #Microblog Mondays? See the original explanation here.
Monday, September 22, 2014
#MicroblogMondays - blogging after baby
I think it's really interesting to see which bloggers continue to blog post kids. I needed to blog to get me through IF as did they, but I think I needed it for more than that.
I'm a sharer. That's how I process my thoughts and my life and it's not good enough just to write it down. I need other people to hear me. I can't explain exactly why. It's probably some terrible narcissicistic attention-seeking behavior. But it keeps me sane so I sure am thankful for it.
I miss the ladies I was in the trenches with, most of whom rarely blog anymore, but it's also fun finding new connections on the other side.
Happy Monday!
I'm a sharer. That's how I process my thoughts and my life and it's not good enough just to write it down. I need other people to hear me. I can't explain exactly why. It's probably some terrible narcissicistic attention-seeking behavior. But it keeps me sane so I sure am thankful for it.
I miss the ladies I was in the trenches with, most of whom rarely blog anymore, but it's also fun finding new connections on the other side.
Happy Monday!
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