SPRING BREAK!!!!!

I remember the Spring Break's of old.  In Mexico primarily.  1 cruise.  1 broken finger.  1 ill-advised hook-up.   (Out of 4 Spring Break's that's not too bad!)  LOTS of Tequila shots.

I'm starting out break in style...going clubbing!  Yeah, I'm a little surprised too.  I'm not really feeling it (or attractive) but one of my best friends just got out of a 10 year relationship and I feel obligated to help her get out.  Luckily all of my dresses fit...I just don't feel awesome in them.  I think I'm going to go with the one with sleeves...

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But before I tell you about the rest of this break, I want to say thanks for a huge milestone.  My blog went over 10,000 page views this week!  Some of you old pros probably don't think that's a big deal, but personally, it's huge.  I never would have thought back in September that I would have found such a great community through blogging.  I knew almost nothing about it when I started.  So thanks for sticking around and inspiring me to share my life's details!  (It's really cut down on my Facebook posts!)

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Back to break...

Baby Shower #1 is tomorrow.  (My IVF#1 success-friend.)  Can I just say how much I hate Babies "R" Us?  It's not just because the same 210 pack of diapers is $15 dollars cheaper next door at Target. (Seriously!  How is that even legal?)  And although I tried to look only ahead of me and block out any pregnant women or babies, that wasn't the biggest issue either.  The worst part was the organization.  It's impossible to find the stuff that's actually on the registry.  And the registry is super picked over because she already had a family shower in her hometown.  I challenge you to just try to find the "Blue" Boppy Cover.  That's all it says, "blue."  Well I saw tons of Boppy covers and none of them were just blue.  F it.  I'm going off-registry to get some cute stuff to open and then getting a gift card.

I can only stay at the shower for 2 hours anyway because DH and I are headed for a mini-break.  (I don't really say "mini-break" I just felt inspired by Bridget Jones and it does fit.)  We are going to spend 3 nights in Santa Barbara.  I super excited!!!  College me wasn't into wine-tasting and couldn't afford fancy hotels, but I think she would have approved.

Then will come the totally fun part of vacation.  I promised Mr. GG to clean out and organize the office.  I'll maybe take a before pic so you can all laugh at me.  It's been our dumping zone since the wedding.  I haven't been quite motivated to fix it because it will eventually become our nursery.  But however soon that may be, the stuff needs out.  And I will spend any leftover time grading papers and planning my units after break (like what to do before the AP Test!  Aaaah!)  What would college me say about this?  Probably that I am old.

Posting will probably be light (or non-existent) until I get back on Tuesday.

Updated IVF Calendar

So we moved everything up and it's completely settled now.  I'm happy because we start right away.  Now I will stop worrying about anything date associated.

• So I start Provera on 3/31 (that's Saturday!)
• I stop Provera and Estrace on 4/9
• I have my baseline ultrasound on 4/13
• Then hopefully retrieval between 4/24 and 4/27

Happy.

Overwhelmed. (IVF Consult De-Brief)

Ok, I'm overwhelmed.  I kind of hoped I was just dealing really, really well instead of holding some major fears deep down, but unfortunately, the latter is true.  (Personally, I hate the terms latter and former.  Every. Single. Time. I have to go back and figure out which one refers to which item.  Annoying.)

Because I am overwhelmed, I was unable to write this last night.  Just too much information to process.  I think I'm ready now, but I'm hoping it won't be just a confusing mess of thoughts and details.

I started to kind of freak out on my way to the appointment.  Muscles tight, slight shortness of breath.  But nothing too major.

We had to watch a stupid video at the beginning for like a half an hour, but it did cover all of the basics.

Then a lady came in to go over our calendar and protocol.

Here it is:

• Continue Estrace 
• Start Provera on 4/9 (with Estrace) - 10 days
• Baseline Ultrasound 4/20ish
• Start Bravelle 150mg with Menopur - 8-15 days
• Start Cetrotide with Menopur - (7ish days after starting Bravelle)
• Estimated Retrieval - First week of May

At the end of the appointment I completely blanked.  I had no questions.  

Part of the overwhelming feeling is it being "really-real."  Every month I have hoped to get pregnant, but now it's like literally planning a baby.  For some reason that feels different to me.  I think it's because I really will be expecting a positive i.e. a negative will be a shock whereas it was the opposite for the last 12 months or so.  (At the beginning it was different...I expected the positive.)

I'm also a bit upset about the timeline.  I am very tired of waiting.  But also, I've set it in my mind that I wanted to be pregnant by my sister's showers, as I wrote about here.  This puts me right in the middle.  There is a possibility to move things up a week, but there is a chance I will have my retrieval and/or transfer with my doctor out of town.  (He's gone on Monday of one week and then Friday through Monday of the next.)

Advice please:

What should I choose?  

Move everything up a week and potentially not having my doctor, but almost definitely know the result before the showers?

or

Keep everything the same and be in the two week wait during the showers?

Knowing that I am pregnant will obviously be easiest.  Not knowing yet will be second easiest.  Knowing that I'm not will make the showers very, very hard.

I emailed the office when I got home last night and asked the following:

1. What is the reasoning behind no Lupron? 
2. Am I on an Antagonist Protocol?  (I've gathered that no Lupron (with Cetrotide later) is the antagonist protocol.  It was originally given to "poor responders" or people with diminished reserve, but it seems to be more common among many people.  Please correct me if I'm wrong but Lupron suppresses the system and the gonadotropins stimulate it.  Sometimes you need more stim after Lupron to get everything going again.)
3. Why am I on Estrogen instead of BC pill.  (I guess this is my RE's new protocol.  I've seen "Estrogen Priming" around the internet, but don't know if that's what this is or not.)

And I also asked to see if we can move things up as much as possible.

Oh and about the success guarantee.  My new FSH is 10.6 which is borderline high.  Technically that does not meet the guidelines for the guarantee.  But since everything else is within bounds, and since they it's "business" it sounds like they'll still do it for me.

Here are my other test results for reference:

Estradiol: 34.3

FSH: 10.6 (previously 8.5 - July)

AFC: 16

AMH: 4? (still waiting on new result - I don't remember ever having it tested, but they have one??)

TSH: 2.84 (July)

Prolactin: 8 (July)

It's always something.

So IVF consult is still tomorrow (or today depending on when I post this).  And you know the thing I have been most stressed about?  Getting my test results in and on time.  I have had 3 separate people from the RE office ask me when I would have the results.  They made it clear that my appointment would be canceled if the results were not in prior to the appointment.

The tests were FSH, Estradiol, AMH and the 5 STD tests required by law (HIV, HEP B, C, Syphilis, and something else).

First, I stressed about getting the tests ordered through my brand new doctor at Kaiser (with my new insurance that actually covers testing).  I emailed and after at least 3 disconnected phone calls and one that went through, my doctor said she could order the tests for me.

Then I waited until CD3.

That was a busy day at school.  Half Day.  Then leading Professional Development.  Then going to get tests.  Then going back to school for an open house.  This was the day after getting my pink slip.  But I got it done and I was feeling good.

I did make sure to ask the lady about all of the tests to make sure she had the right ones.  I did not have a list with me, but I knew it was 3 hormone tests and 5 STDs.

I got my FSH and Estradiol results really quickly.  It might have even been less than 24 hours.

But the other tests never showed up online.  I noticed that there was a note that not all tests are available online and figured that made sense for STDs so you shouldn't find out you are HIV positive online.  I just assumed anything else missing was also just not online.

I waited a week because I had heard that AMH takes a week.  Then I sent an email.  Then I waited 2 days and called.  Two days later, I finally heard back.  (That was today.)  The nurse said that she could not fax my results to the RE, but that I could come pick them up.  Annoying, but fine.

**Sorry, this is getting long...not quite finished yet.***

I left my phone, the novel I need to read for class tomorrow, and my asian milk tea that I decided to splurge on in the car since I was just picking up results.

I picked them up.

Then decided to go to the bathroom.  Since I was still there, I figured I should check out the results.  And immediately I saw that 2 results were missing.  Fuck.

I was able to meet with a nurse and when she pulled up my results, the tests said "canceled."  They were canceled 2 days after I had my blood drawn, with completely no explanation.  She spent about 10 minutes on the phone with the lab trying to figure it out, but the bottom line is that they were not done.  She was very nice and had absolutely no idea why the tests were canceled.

While she was on the phone I was silent crying and freaking out in my little cubicle I was waiting in, picturing my cycle being pushed back another 6 weeks, sure that the appointment tomorrow would also be canceled.

The end result was that she re-ordered the tests and I was able to get them immediately, but 1) I wouldn't get results for 4-5 days, 2) I didn't know whether AMH needed to be a Day 3 test.

Then I left that office to go to the lab, but I needed to pick up my phone on the way.  As I got to my car, I realized I did not have my keys.  That's when the moment really felt like a ME moment.  I'm the girl who gets bad news and then loses my keys. WTF?  They were at the reception desk, so no huge deal, but wow.

The worst part was waiting to hear back from the RE's office about the AMH.  My nurse is out of town of course, but I got a call about 15 long minutes later.

Best news out of a  shitty situation: I can still go to my appointment tomorrow; I can get both blood tests now, and my IVF will just be pushed back one week.

I'm still incredibly annoyed, but relieved that I still have an appointment tomorrow.

I was very much about to completely melt down.

Instead, I decided that we needed to go out to dinner instead of me making enchiladas.

I want a work-free glass of wine.

A Mental Shift: From When to If

First I want to say that I was very interested and slightly surprised by the responses to Baby Shower Season.  I'm always amazed by how honest everyone is.  And it always makes me feel a little bit better, more human, more normal.  I think the biggest reason that showers are hard (which came up in the comments) is the "other people" at the shower who don't know you or your journey.  The ones who will ask every inappropriate question under the sun (like my Dad's girlfriend - read the Christmas post).  It's scary not knowing what you might encounter.  Anyway, thanks for the comments!

I'm kinda of biding my time until tomorrow evening's post after my IVF consult.  So here's another post from the past, just last month, but it's still extremely relevant.

*This post was originally written in February*

Somehow over the last few months my mental state has shifted considerably.

I used to be concerned with when I would get pregnant.  This caused all kinds of stress from comparing myself when other people got pregnant to imagining my life in different months pregnant or not pregnant.

But now I'm concerned with if I will get pregnant.  Can I?  This is a whole different can of worms.  In my day to day life, it's less stressful to have this mindset.  I'm less concerned with comparing myself to others. I feel and think less "whiny."  It's made me be much less concerned about time passing and more able to focus on my life.

But overall it's a much darker place because if I can't get pregnant, then what?  You've read some of my past few posts that have started exploring this issue.

Why the shift now?  Was is month 19?  Was it IUI #3?  Was it seeing IVF in the very near future?

When did you shift from when to if?

*Added Today*

I'm extremely stuck in the I won't have children place right now.  I want IVF to work, but I'm planning on it not working.  Is this terrible?  Part of me is just completely tired of the process and of WANTING.  I don't want to WANT anymore.  It's so much easier not to WANT.

Baby Shower Season

Let me take a second to try to process how I feel about the upcoming showers I will be attending and/or hosting.

I think I'm 90% ok with it.

The first shower is next weekend.  It's for our good friends who are pregnant with their IVF#1 baby.  They got married exactly one year before us and started IVF time-wise, at exactly the same point we are currently at (just last year).  So she's kind of like my IVF mentor.  I absolutely want to be at her shower.

She, on the other hand, completely quit going to baby showers when she was around the same IF point as me.  But she's a bit more emo than I am : ) (which she would readily admit).  So I'm not really worried about attending her shower, but I think I'll have a little anxiety about whether someone will ask me something or say something to make me want to cry.

Then there's my sister.  Here's a review of my sister/s baby timeline:

After I had been trying for about 6 months, sister calls me out of the blue and says she's pregnant.  I respond by crying.  (After I get off the phone.)  I'm a little distant and bitchy until she has a miscarriage about 2 weeks later.  Shit.  Now I feel like the worst sister in the entire world!  (My sister and I are very close.  We talk just about every day.)  Jealousy issue solved.  It takes her about 6 months after a 2 month break to get pregnant the second time and I have been excited for her every minute.  She's due in late June.

My mom and her MIL are hosting a shower for the "adults" and I am hosting the shower for the "kids."  I'm a little worried about it.  I've already gotten excited about buying stuff for my new nephew, I even have a pinterest board devoted to him, and I want to paint cute murals in his nursery.  But something makes me feel weird about planning the shower, at least all by myself.  And I can't exactly explain why.

I actually really love baby showers.  My mom emailed me to see whether I thought decorating onesies was fun or cheesy. I responded that I love cheese (and decorating onesies!).

I think the issue I'm having is putting in a lot of time and stress planning while going through IVF or right after IVF.  If it's successful, great.  But if it's not, I'm afraid at how I'll react.

I'm really hoping that I'm pregnant at her shower.  That way I could entirely enjoy the day (instead of 90%).

These will be showers 3 and 4 since I started TTC.

How have the rest of you dealt with hosting and/or going to showers?

Is it the Estrogen?

Welcome ICLWers!  I'm so excited to see some new faces especially since many of you are right around IVF#1 too!

I've been pretty lucky throughout my IF journey to avoid most side-effects.  I responded well to just 50mg of Clomid and have not taken much else.

But I have had a terrible headache over the last couple of days and it finally clicked that it's probably the Estrace!  I'm taking 4mg a day (1 in the morning, 1 at night).  I've taken up to 6mg before, but vaginally and only for 3-4 days.  Today is day #7 of the 4mg.

I've suffered occasionally from migraines in my life and my head seems to be the most sensitive part of me.  This headache is like pinching between my eyes or my forehead.  I originally thought it was from scanning quickly through...well...Facebook updates...on my phone.  But as it worsened throughout the day yesterday, even while staying off my phone, I decided it was definitely googleable. (Is that how you would spell googleable?)  And yes, I did see headaches listed with Estrace use.

I'm also having weird moments of queasiness - like just for a flash.  This is probably part of the reason I keep having pregnant thoughts.  I've also been quite tired and have had a bit of heartburn and my boobs are slightly more tender than normal.  (I don't get boob pain, so slightly tender is about as much as I ever feel.)

All of these seem associated with Estrogen.  But I prefer to hear from the masses.

What were your experiences on Estrogen?  Will these last forever?  Or is this just a slight precurser of all the crazy I will be feeling when I get to injectables?

ETA: I told my students to "Stand up for the quiz" instead of "the pledge."  Then I started a quiz saying "Ok, number 2" totally skipping number 1.  I've definitely done this word switching before when I've had migraines. I emailed my nurse to make sure she is not concerned.