Nooooooooooooo!

I ate a whole Snickers bar today. The kind that have two bars in the package...so even more than a normal Snickers.

I should have known.

Chocolate cravings were always the first sign.

It was a nice 430 or so days without you AF.

Wah.

Sorry!

I feel bad for joining ICLW this month and then not posting much.  I'm working on a couple of entries, but let me get a quick summary up now so I have something for you to start with!

My adorable little son was born in October at 25 weeks gestation.  He was in the hospital for almost 5 months, but is now very healthy and we are extremely lucky.  My husband and I tried to conceive for 20 cycles including 3 IUIs with Clomid and finally were successful with IVF with ICSI.  We transferred 2 embryos and I am now a huge advocate of Single Embryo Transfer in most situations because of what happened to us.  (Check out my most popular posts to read about it.)

Dylan is now almost 9 months actual and 5 adjusted.  He's somewhere in the range of 13 pounds I think.  He's working on sitting right now as well as rolling more consistently.  He laughs all the time and smiles even more.

Our biggest struggles is getting him to sleep (as soon as he's asleep he sleeps really well, except for the 30 minute nap wake-up when he needs help to get back to sleep).  He had really bad reflux, but he's either outgrowing it or it is well-managed by the Prevacid he's on.  He doesn't eat super large volumes, but he's steadily increasing his intake.

We are about to start solids and are currently searching for a nanny so that's what I'm working on at the moment.

Thanks for stopping by!  I will try to get to as many of your blogs as possible! : )

True Life Snapshot: Shower

4:30 pm, Tuesday

In the car with Dylan approaching the house after a 30 minute car ride.  (We are in the middle of 30-40 minute nap wake-up phase.)

Go home?  Or keep driving past and go to the Drive-Thru Starbucks to give Dylan some extra nap time?

Hmm...already at my caffeine quota for the day and don't want to eat a Salted Caramel Cake Pop today because I'm preparing for bikini season (kill me now).

I pull into the drive way expecting Dylan to wake up once we get inside and he stops moving.

But I REALLY want to take a shower.

Maybe I'll take him upstairs with me and hop in.  If I keep him in the car seat, maybe I'll have 5 minutes of sleep and then he can cry for just a few minutes while I finish up.

Shampoo done.  Conditioner done.

Dog starts barking.  EFFFFFFF!!!!!!

Hmm...no crying.

Body Wash done.  Face wash done.  Is that a cry?  Crane neck toward sound.  Open shower an inch or two to make sure I'm hearing correctly.  Nope.  Just my imagination.

Starting to enter the stress-release phase of the shower wherein I stretch my neck and back while really hot water runs down it.  Is this really happening right now?

Ok.  Lucky duck. You got your whole shower.  He'll wake up any second.

Turn shower off...listen for movement.  None?  Really?

Take my time drying off, putting moisturizer on my face, product in my hair.

I guess I'll get dressed.

Faint stirrings.

Dylan slowly wakes up and smiles at me while I finish pulling on a tank top.

Score!  Clean mom.  Happy baby.  And we're not even in the Twilight Zone!

Confession

The world is telling me that I need to come clean about this.  I've seen two other bloggers admit similar issues in the last week, so I think it's my turn.

I have a bit of a compulsion.  I'm not sure if it would classify as OCD or not, but it doesn't really negatively impact my life so I doubt it.

I'm a picker.  Ever since I had zits, I've always picked my face.  But since it's my face and I see it all the time and it's so obvious to others, I don't usually let anything get too bad.  I'll often have a scab or two, but it's rarely extremely noticeable.  And I don't have any scars.

But that's not the issue.

I keep thinking I just started the "new" behavior, but I guess it's probably been about 5 years now since it was definitely a worry before our wedding.  Now I pick my upper arms.  I guess I have dermatitis pilaris and I don't think that I had it before or I bet I would have started picking at it earlier.

When I get home from work, especially when I'm stressed, I go into the bathroom and look at my arm in the mirror.  First one arm, then the other.  When I'm brushing my teeth in the morning, I see the same few spots highlighted by the light from the window.  When I'm sitting at a red light, I look down at my arms.  Sometimes I even do it in class!

I feel physically calm when I am picking my arms and feel a tiny burst of joy, seriously, whenever I actually get something to "pop."  These moments are few and far in between though.  Usually I squeeze and nothing comes out and I'm left with a raised white spot (best case) or I break the skin and it bleeds (worst case).  The skin is pretty thin and my nails are pretty sharp, so it bleeds often although I try to prevent it.

I also have extremely fair skin so basically my arms have red spots all over them which looks like a rash.  And I definitely have little white scars on my arms although I don't think they look too terrible.  So basically if I'm not actively picking, my arms will heal and look somewhat normal.

I am completely embarrassed by my arms.  I'm very self-conscious in general and this doesn't help.  So I do try to keep them covered as much as possible, but when it's warm, that's just not possible.

I really want to stop.  I've tried to stop.  I've tried limiting myself to "one" spot per arm per day.  I've tried completely stopping.  I've tried keeping my arms covered.

The longest I've gone is probably 3 days.

I don't really want to seek professional help, but I'm practically at that place.  But still, I feel like I should be able to figure out a way to stop on my own.

So honestly, that's my big secret.

I feel completely vulnerable admitting it (even though it's visible to the world).  It feels like such a weakness.  But I think admitting might be the first step to stopping?

Any suggestions?

(FYI...I did get lactate lotion to help fix the underlying condition which my doctor suggested, but it's not considered safe for breastmilk, so I'm not using it.  Occasionally I hydrate either with lotion or my left over stretch mark oil since dryness is a factor in the dermatitis pilaris, but nothing seems to help although it improves somewhat in the sun.  As much as I'd like to fix the actual reason for the bumps, I think I really need to control myself.)

A Note to my Son re: Bedtime.

Baby, thank you for passing out at 6:30 last night, suddenly, with no crying.  I asked you earlier yesterday to be nice because daddy was out of town and you were such an angel!

But why two days before that did you also get tired at 6:30, but then cry until a little after 8:00?  I got you ready for bed and we took a nice long walk and I gave you a bottle and I offered your pacifier and I swaddled your legs and I bounced you and I rocked you and I sang songs and I used white noise - the sleep sheep AND the white noise machine - and I turned on your mobile and I took you outside and then I fed you again and walked circles and circles and circles around the rug in your room and no matter how tired you were, you still didn't go to bed until 8:15?

I mean I watch your cues.  I know your bedtime is usually around 8:00.  But when you start yawning and rubbing your eyes at 6:30, I just want to make sure you are comfortable.  I was having grandiose (that means basically means big) visions of getting you to sleep with no tears because I was so carefully paying attention to you.  Sure, I was also thinking "Sweet! I can watch Jeopardy tonight," but I would have been okay with starting bedtime later.

You're the boss...you just have to decide what you want.  How hard is that?

And while I'm asking questions, how can you tell whether I'm standing or sitting?  I rock you just the same in both positions, don't I?

And how come sometimes when I give you your pacifier, you pass out in 30 seconds and other times it makes you an angry monster?  (A very cute angry monster...I just mean that you get very upset.  I don't mean to offend you.)

I'm not even trying to impose a schedule on you.  I'm trying to let you call the shots.  And you're pretty "regular" to start with so I think in general we're doing ok.  I just get confused when you take a late nap or an early nap or when you look tired at a totally different time of the evening.  I just don't know what to do!

Should I let you fall asleep at 5 or 5:30? Will you still go to bed at a decent time if I do?  If you fall asleep at 6:30, will you still stay asleep until 6:00 in the morning?  That seems like a really long time.  And if you just ate at 6:00, should I feed you again at 7:30 before you sleep?  Or should I do a dream feed at 8:30?

I just have so many questions running through my mind ALL THE TIME!

So just tell me ok?  I'll listen.

A Pumping WOHM

I don't even feel like I can properly complain about the difficultly of pumping and working since I only pump once a day away from my house, but it is a bitch!

The best thing I have: two pumps.  And I didn't buy either of them.  I borrowed one PISA from my sister and one from a close friend.  I know they are not closed systems, but I don't care.

Still, it seems that each day I forget something.  Usually it's just the ice pack and/or insulated bag to store the milk.  This is not a huge deal since I pump at the end of the day, then go home.  Except that if I forget lids (which I do 50% of the time) there is a huge chance of spillage which is just a pain in the butt.

So even though I don't carry the whole pump with me everyday, I still forget things every day.

But the worst part is sitting there pumping.  I pump after school so I don't have anything specific I need to be doing and I don't need anyone to cover my class (explain to me how I could have someone cover a half of the same class every single day...would not work!).  But there are still issues.

1) I can't help any students after school.  Students forget to come in at lunch.  I don't check my email at home anymore and so not helping them after school really sucks.

2) The lights in my classroom are on a censor.  The censor shuts the lights off after 15 minutes of no movement.  I pump for 30.  So the lights go off halfway through each and every time.  I open one of the slatted vent windows to let in a little light so I can still see.  To turn on the light again, I'd have to walk to the opposite end of the room.  I guess I could just pump in that corner (honestly didn't occur to me until now) but I couldn't leave my stuff over there since my desk is on the other side.

And then you have the possibility of everyone's worst nightmare: someone walking in on you pumping.  I keep my door locked all day (and just prop it open during class) so that I never forget to lock it.  So the only people that could walk in on my are custodians and administrators.  No administrator would be all the way over by my bungalow after school, but the custodians are around.  Usually they don't clean until 4 or 5, but potentially, they could come in so I'm always on guard.

BUT...last week I let a student open my door because we had a big fair until the end of school and I had to return money and couldn't let students in my room to get their stuff.  Then I came back and pumped. AND A SENIOR MALE WALKED IN ON ME PUMPING.  Because the door was not locked because I was not the person who opened it which I forgot about.  And no I didn't have my cover on.  I think he was more traumatized than I was but OMG how horrible! I'm still cringing.

But then my door was still unlocked and you can only lock it from the outside so I hurriedly made a note that said do not come in and stuck my hand awkwardly out the door and attached it but I couldn't lock the door because I wasn't done yet so I finished pumping knowing that my door was unlocked. FML.

Anyway. Pumping at work is extremely difficult and I dream about quitting all the time.  I imagine pumping moms making it to a year are a rarity.  And because no one other than pumping moms  or maybe all moms, understand the situation, our maternity laws still suck.  If I still needed to pump a total of 8 times a day I would completely lose my mind.

End rant.

How long did you keep pumping WOHMs?