Miracle Month Ending Soon (Freaking Out) - 9dpo

I'm kind of starting to freak out.  I guess understandably so.  I don't really belive in symptoms anymore.  Bloating, veins, gas, a cold?  Please.  There are almost no reliable pre-BFP symptoms.

But I still believe in the ones I had during my chemical pregnancy aka My BFP for 4 1/2 days.   That month I had somewhat significant cramping on 7dpo.  Not "intense" but more vague overall cramping as well as some "twinges."  I was also super exhausted.  That's about it.  But I pretty much knew I was pregnant and got my BFP at 10dpo.  I can't believe that was 6 months ago!

This month I've gotten through the 2WW pretty quickly, but I'm starting to freak out a bit.  I've been tired since 5dpo.  But it's very hard for me to tell the difference between exhaustion and very tired (which I often am...teaching is tiring!).  The difference to me is kind of "hitting a wall" at some point in the early afternoon and also early evening.  Like literally not being able to keep my eyes open.  But it's not like this never happens on non-pregnant months.

Yesterday I got a canker sore.  I'm not immune to canker sores, but I really think it's been about a year since the last one.  And I don't remember eating anything weird.  So of course I proceeded to google canker sores and bfps.  It turns out canker sores definitely have a hormonal connection (although they in no way denote pregnancy on their own).  But since I don't get them often, I decided to leave it as a maybe.

And then today I definitely had some of that uterine twingey feeling.  It's kind of like an itchiness, but in just the right spot (not vaginal).  It hasn't been frequent enough to call home about, but it's not common for me and it definitely makes me a little excited.

Which totally freaks me out.  I really want to test (and will tomorrow I think) but I really don't want to see my miracle month come to an end... (For the new readers this week, welcome!  This is a natural month after 3 failed Clomid + IUI months. Next cycle is IVF.  Hence, I call it my "miracle month").

I've gotten through this month by totally not expecting anything.  How can I?  I'm 1/19.  But I really, really want it.  More than just about any other month.  I quit googling symptoms and comparing charts many cycles ago, but I've found myself back to my old ways this month.  What the hell?

By the way, due date is November 20.  Right before lots of teaching vacations.  Perfect. 

I don't hope for or expect to get a BFP, but I want one anyway.  Really bad.

I'm Bringing Sexy Back....Well, Trying To

I mentioned yesterday that Mr. GG and I are trading off nights to initiate BD time in order to keep it fun. 

It's been 3 months since we've had to go full force and we've enjoyed the break.  We are NOT a BD every other day type of couple.  We are a BD a few times a month type of couple.  So...

How should I bring the sexy back?  I need your help!

Mr. GG has a slight foot fetish and always compliments my "pretty feet" so I made sure to paint my fingers and toes last night.  Although I didn't get waxed like I should have to really bring on the sexy, I will make sure to be nicely shaved this evening.  I bought a new nightie from Target awhile ago that I think I'll bust out tonight.  Mr. GG is not a lingerie guy.  It's off before he's really looked at it, but I've realized that wearing sexier clothes around the house sets the mood a little bit earlier.

Unlike this scene from "Extract."

If I chose the right trailer (sorry, first time embedding video) then it starts at the 30 second mark.

So I need some ideas of easy romantic man-centric things to do on weekdays to set the mood. 

I think we'll also have one weekend thrown in, so a couple of more elaborate ideas won't hurt either.

What should I do??

A Good Day.

I'm in a the mood for an upbeat post.  I've got one of the questioning, what is life going to give me kind of posts ready to go, but it just doesn't feel right today.

Because it's beautiful outside.  I'm on the last day of a 4 day weekend.  And my mood is not searching and restless, it's happy/calm.

Maybe it's because I've had a great weekend.  On Friday I took the girl I mentor out for breakfast.  She switched schools so I haven't seen her in awhile.  She is doing great at her new school and it was good to take her out and spoil her a bit.

On Saturday my Dad and Grandpa came down.  My sister made a full turkey dinner and we had a late (delicious!) Thanksgiving in February to celebrate Grandpa's 91st birthday.  In the morning I made breakfast at my house.  Eggs with peppers and onions, cinnamon rolls, fresh fruit. Yum.

And then last night I had a girls' wine tasting party at my house.  I used 15 champagne glasses and poured an ounce of each wine and we took notes and rated them and discussed.  Very professional! : )  Then we watched The Holiday while drinking our favorites.  Oh and had delicious Artichoke pizza and baked Turtle brownies.  

I took a break from writing to take Stella out for a walk.  She's getting so big already!  But everyone loves her.  She is beautiful and so lovey when she's tired.  (I know she looks big in this pic, but she's actually only about 11 pounds!)

I'm a little bit excited about this cycle.  I feel like it's our one last shot to conceive this baby naturally.  We start trying on Tuesday or Wednesday and are going to really stick to an every other day schedule.  I don't know when I will ovulate this month since it was 12 and 14 on Clomid and 17-22 without Clomid.  I'm feeling like it'll be on the earlier side.

Mr. GG and I agreed to switch off doing something special on each of the BD days to make it more fun and exciting.  I've got a couple of new outfits to try out for him.  I really should have used that waxing gift certificate he gave me ages ago, but I guess he'll have to deal with shaving...

And our re-evaluation appointment with RE is on Wednesday.  I'm very anxious/excited about it.  I want to know what next is and what he still thinks our chances are.  It would be awesome if he'd throw in a free ultrasound to see how everything is progressing this month, but I won't hold my breath for that.

Happy President's Day!  I hope you are enjoying yourself.

I think I'll go schedule a massage now...

Triggered Already, What?!

Two posts in a day...crazy, I know.

The first thing the NP said after she started the ultrasound was that my lining looked way better.  I literally asked "really?" with a huge grin on my face.  You see on the car ride to the RE's office, I prepared myself.  I said I would be upset (justifiably) with 5 like last month, ok with 6, happy with 7, and super excited at anything above 7.  Normal people usually measure 8mm and above.  She measured and it was 7, therefore, I am "happy". : )

Next she got to my left ovary and said there was nothing going on.  Nothing?  Hmm...  Not reassuring.  Then on the right (which is definitely tender) she found 3 follies: at 21, 17, and 14mm.  I've never had a 21 on CD11 before.  She said because of it's size it looked like I would surge soon and we decided to trigger instead so that I could avoid those hateful OPKs and get everything set and scheduled tomorrow.  And also to avoid ovulating before my appointment.

I'm going to ovulate on CD12 this month.  Crazy!  That means my cycle will only be 25 or 26 days. 

Just the other day Mr. GG was saying, we're ready for the IUI already?  It seems like we just did one.  I totally agree.  What a difference a week shorter cycle really makes!

I also excited that we're doing an IUI 24 hours after trigger.  For the first IUI I didn't surge until the afternoon and had already O'd by my appointment in the morning.  Last month we did it 36 hours after.  I didn't temp, so I don't know if I O'd before or after that.  But 24 makes me feel like I'll O right after the IUI which seems perfect.

If you're counting this pushes my due date forward to October 20th...  Yes I know it's silly to know that every single month.

And since I wrote this in the afternoon and am posting at night, I'll also mention my meltdown tonight.  I'm stressed that we haven't had ANY sex on our own this month - well since before last month's IUI - and that somehow I will ovulate before my IUI tomorrow not that it would be the worst ever but I really want to O after.  And I'm tired from the puppy keeping me up and I had a big department meeting that I had to plan and it's the end of the semester so grades are due on Monday and I have a ton of essays to grade and Mr. GG didn't answer his freaking phone until 3:00 today...didn't even text me back and then I spiraled into a annoyingly horrible bad mood and ended up crying on the way home from picking up Chinese food.  And I'm not totally sure why...I really just think I'm tired and stressed.  End stream of consciousness rant.

Safely Aggressive

If Mr. GG had his way, we'd start IVF immediately.  His brain is so extremeley rational that he wants to give us the best chance possible each month.  He didn't seem impressed that the overall IUI success rate after 5 is 74% because each time it's still only 20% or less. 

So he's ready now.  Wow.

I did explain to him that it means lots of drugs and surgery for me.  And that I'd be taking new drugs that everyone says make you extremely angry and emo.  I also said that he should let the doctor go in and take out his sperm so that we can have similar experiences.

But...I think I'm ready too.  In two months at least.

I want to try this next Clomid IUI cycle.  And I really believe it has a good chance to work.  Then we will have our break month and will consult and see whether IVF is right for us.

The way I put it to the nurse is that we want to procede in the most safely aggressive manner.

I also want totake a second to reiterate why we are in a hurry.  DH turns 43 this year.  This was really my biggest fear in marrying him in the first place.  I want him to be around a long time for both myself and the kid(s).  So we don't feel the luxury of slowly moving through all of the steps.

And luckily, we do have the money, at least for one.

I'm still not sure how I feel about high multiple IVFs.  I'm pretty sure I would do a second if the first didn't work, but after that, I just don't know.  I guess I don't have to know that much right now.

**Sidenote to my wonderful readers...To my 17 followers, thank you!!  You are my inspiration for continuing to post time after time even when I'm not sure what to say.  To everyone stopping by, thank you also!  It's really cool to see that my blog is read all over the world and sometimes by over a hundred people in a day.  And like all bloggers, I majorly love my commenters.  If you have anything to add or just want to say hi, leave a comment!  My internet friends have truly helped me stay sane over the last year and a half, hugs to everyone : )**

On Repeat...

Recently, one of my favorite bloggers, Jesica at Just Smile and Blog, wrote a post entitled Two for Three.  Over her long course TTC she has only ovulated 3 three times and of those three has gotten pregnant twice (one current, one ended in miscarriage).  I sincerely hope this one is "the one" for her!

My stats are quite different.  I seem to ovulate like a champ, every single cycle.  That puts me at 1/18.  I wouldn't even bet on myself with odds like that.  And that "1" was so short-lived.

I finally looked up IUI stats to see "if I'm normal" and all that crap.  I'm not sure why I never ask about the long term plan when I meet with the doctor.  I think it's truly because I'm so optimistic that each new thing will work that I don't need to know yet what happens when it doesn't work.

Basically I have found that for each IUI, there is a 8-20% chance of getting pregnant (studies have found anywhere within that range).  That puts it just slightly lower than the normal person average of 20%.

After 5 IUIs, the average success rate is 74%, a much more encouraging number.

Once I started spotting at 11dpiui, I emailed my nurse and asked what the next steps would be.

The results: 1 more 50mg Clomid cycle with Estrace to thicken lining.

Then we reevaluate.  Apparently I have to take a month off meds after 3 cycles anyway.  This seems like a reasonable plan, so I'm on board.

I didn't cry this time.  I don't think I cried last time either.  I really think the only times I have cried are the first time I found out my sister was pregnant, the day of the chemical pregnancy, and the day I freaked out at the doctor appt.  It definitely has something to do with how long it's been.  I think it's becoming easier to accept AF than it will to accept a BFP.  It's been built up so much I feel like my BFP needs to be a super BFP.  But at the same time, it'll be ages before I'll be able to accept that it's real.  I barely accepted it the first time.

So anyway ladies, that's where I'm at right now.  Same place essentially that I have been since August 2010.  I'm not sure if I've said this on here or not (and don't feel like checking) but I kind of feel like I'm stuck in the same place while everyone around me is moving forward.  On repeat.  One of my fears was that my friends would start having round 2 of babies before I had one and it's starting.  Two people are pregnant with #2 and a few more are trying.

But the bright side is that the rest of my life is good.  Husband good.  Work good.  Family good.  It's just this damn baby thing.

Our TTC Decision

*Since I am "not thinking about babies" during this two week wait, most of my posts will be snapshots of the past.*

Mr. GG and I actually broke up before we got engaged after dating for about 3 years.  The main sticking point was children.  He knew I wanted them, he wasn't so sure.  He's 42 now (40 then, me 29) and had lived a long time without kids.  It was a sad, but no-drama break up.  We just had to do it. 

We continued to talk and there might have been some booty-call action, but we both started to date other people and try to move on.  Neither of us were happy being apart.  One day he told me that he couldn't talk to me anymore, that it was too hard.  In the long conversation that followed...via text of course...at some point I said that I would be ok with only having one kid.  I have always wanted two, like in my family.

Apparently, this willingness to compromise was all he needed and that along with the time to think without marriage pressure over his head, allowed Mr. GG to decide that he really wanted a kid (and me) after-all.

Since that day, our relationship really has been fantastic.  Even though our TTC journey has not gone as planned, we've managed to keep each other happy and feeling supported.

Because of Mr. GG's age, we knew we wanted to start right away after getting married.  So I had basically a year to start reading the Weddingbee baby boards and get myself ready and psyched up for actually having a baby.  I had already started taking prenatals.  I took my last pill halfway through our honeymoon...and there it began.

I thought then that my son or daughter would be 6 months old by now.

IUI #2: Baby Taylor

I am in Champagne Bakery cafe waiting for 10:15 and IUI #2. Mr. GG is coming this time. Last time he had a conflict, but it didn't end up happening, so I got annoyed. I bought the book Tinker, Tailer, Soldier, Spy at Barnes and Noble on my way to meeting him here because I knew that he would have trouble waiting for 10-15 minutes after the IUI was finished.  I realize him getting to work at 11 is not a good thing.  So while we were eating, I told him we'd start reading the book together while we were waiting afterwards.  (He's been wanting to read the book and we decided last week to read it together.)  Apparently, he thought he would be lending his support from the waiting room. Wait. What? What's the point of you staying if you're not IN the room when our baby is artificially conceived?

I always talk about how supportive Mr. GG is, and it's true.  He's extremely supportive, does not get stressed easily and has been a huge help through this process.  BUT you haven't heard me gush about how emotional he is.  Mr. GG locked up his deep emotions long ago and I like to joke that he doesn't have any.  Harsh, but kind of true.  I wrote him 2 full pages in the wine box ceremony letter that we opened on our first anniversary.  He wrote like 3 sentences and of course it was mostly sexual.  He loves me and makes sure I know it.  And he's cuddly too, but he just does not gush emotion.

I think being present for the IUI is kind of on the same scale.  It's very intimate.  And it's awkward.  Feeling slightly argumentative, I asked him if he was planning on being present for the birth of our baby and he said of course.  So I said he should be there for it's conception too!

Mr. GG has one close friend who is currently PG through IVF and has shared information with Mr. GG.  So I told him to text his friend and ask if he was there through his wife's IUIs.  Mr. GG honestly thought that he would be right on this one, but I knew better.  I am not a very demanding wife (demands don't work on Mr. GG) but most wives will demand their husband be there during something like this.  And the other half do not have to demand it because the husband actually never considers not going.

Anyway.  I was right.  And Mr. GG and I both felt better I think.

Here's today's IUI picture.  I was in a different room : )

I was really lucky again today.  Dr. Hummingbird himself performed the IUI!  Last time the lady almost killed me trying to get the catheter in.  This time I felt almost nothing.  It was fabulous.

Also Mr. GG had rock star numbers.  I think it made him feel really good : )  His count was 285 million!  And motility was 85%.  I specifically asked them whether we really had to abstain and they said yes.  I think no.

And if you are new to this blog.  This is my second 50 mg Clomid cycle.  I also used 6mg Estradiol vaginally CD11-CD13 to increase my lining from 5mm.

I'm feeling very positive right now.  Mr. GG commented that he likes when I'm very optimistic, but then it's funny how in 2 weeks I'll be cussing and saying I want to quit.  It's true...when I have something to hope for, I can easily hope.  Before ovulation I have no hope that I'm currently pregnant and I hate the world.

But now we're in the good time.  I'm sticking to my no temping resolution and I'm planning on sticking to a 14 day stick no testing policy as well.  You might have to help me out with the second one.

And if we get pregnant this month (#17 or is it 18?), we just might have to name the baby Taylor : )

Mission 2012...Operation Thicken Lining

Let's start with a brief picture of my day:

As I was walking out of the RE's office, I of course reached for my phone to tell Mr. GG the ultrasound results.  But no phone.  After going to my car and digging through my small purse until I was satisfied it was really not there, I walked back into the office and found it inside the Vogue magazine I was reading.

Then I drive to a new pharmacy that sells fertility drugs at good prices.  It's in a huge medical center and is not easy to find.  After walking in circles for a few minutes I finally find it on a map.  Then I realize I left my parking ticket that needs validation, in the car.  Ok...back to car.  Then I finally find the pharmacy, give my prescription, etc.  I wait for a long 10 minutes and finally get called back up.  I dig in my purse for my wallet.  Not there.  Palm to forehead, I took it out when I was looking for my phone.  So back to car (far away), back to office.  Finally get everything.

That's it...it just gives you a truer picture of how things are going for me today.
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And the reason I've been so lax about blogging during vacation: grading.  I've literally spent the last 3 days straight at my dining room table grading mounds of essays.  Some stupid AP teacher had her students write 7 different essays in 7 different modes on the same subject.  It takes me nearly 4 hours to read 20 (which times 7 is 140 mind you).  At least a couple of kids wrote about Harry Potter : ).

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Back to the real story.  Today was my CD11 ultrasound on my second round of 50mg of Clomid.  To recap; last month I had three follies ranging from 17 to 23 and a lining of 6.

I was really lucky that the actual doctor, not a nurse or NP was in today and performed the ultrasound.  He is such a nice man.  He reminded me why I put complete faith in him the first time we met.  It was really great timing too because I was feeling a bit neglected and rushed by the staff that performed my last 2 appointments.  Let's give the Dr a name, shall we?  How about Dr. Hummingbird?

So Dr. Hummingbird first measured my lining which was 5mm.  He didn't say much at this point and I mentioned to him that it was 6 last month.  Then he found a 13mm follie in my left ovary and a 19mm follie in my right.

**Sidenote**  My follies have always been kind of oval-shaped rather than a perfect circle.  I asked him about it and he said that the shape doesn't matter much and that the largest measurement is the important one.

I also mentioned to him that I didn't get an LH surge last month until CD14 in the afternoon, but that I had already ovulated by the next morning when we did the IUI.  He thought that was strange and said that maybe we just did everything right near the end last month.  At this point he had me sit up (Thanks Doc!) and then said he thought we should take more control of things this month.  Great! Please take lots of control!  He told me to get dressed and he'd meet me outside and explain the plan.

Plan:

• starting CD11 take 3 Estradiol 2mg pills vaginally  - not sure how many days...I need to email and check
• Take Ovidrel trigger shot CD12 at night - Should I take it at the stroke of midnight?  It IS New Year's Eve...
• IUI on the morning of CD14 - Right when I wanted!  I feel very relieved having a set time instead of worrying everyday about finding a surge.  Also, they are closed on the 1st which obviously would not work.  AND, I don't go back to school until the 3rd (Tuesday).  Ideal scenario IMO!

This may sound like a disappointing appointment, but I'm feeling pretty good.  Sure, I was hoping everything would just be magical and Clomid would immaculately knock me up, but nothing in this process has been ideal so I not too surprised.

The last few days I've been really frustrated feeling like I don't really know why it hasn't been working, etc.  But I do know why...my lining doesn't support a bebe.  We fixed the progesterone issue with Clomid (it was 19 last month), now we need to fix my lining.  IVF still won't work if my lining isn't thick enough.

So Mission 2012...Operation Thicken Lining is a go!

By the way, acupuncture went well.  I will write another post about it.  I will continue with it to keep trying to work on the lining - but it obviously didn't miraculously work in just 1 session 5 days ago...no surprise there.

Resolution #1: Eliminate Baby-Brain.

This is the first in a series of New Year's Resolutions posts.  I'm not a big resolution-maker since I will break anything I'm not really determined to do.  These resolutions are different because I've been thinking about them for months.  Therefore, I think they are needed changes that will happen.

#1 - Stop Thinking about Babies!

I can't stop trying.  And I won't stop the medical interventions I've started.  So the trick is...how to stop thinking about it all the time.  I'm not totally preoccupied or overwhelmed with babies, but I'm right around a tipping point and I need to figure out how to step back a bit during the process.  I think it's going to take a multi-pronged approach.

Step 1 - Acupuncture

I'm SO excited for my first acupuncture appointment tomorrow!  (Although I probably shouldn't have looked up picture of needles in people's faces right before going.) I've been thinking about starting it for about a year, but I'm not great at just doing things...I just never looked into it and never made an appointment.  But I knew there was an office across from my RE and I figured they probably know a thing or two about infertility.

But I never wrote down the name, and was too lazy to look up my RE's address, so I just Yelped "Acupuncture Fertility" and found the most amazing place.  Two women run two offices that entirely specialize in acupuncture for infertility and they deal mostly with clients in IUI or IVF.  They even do treatments during embryo transfer for IVF.  Their reviews are fantastic.  They have extensive education in Eastern Medicine.  And I can't wait to check it out!  It's tomorrow so expect that post soon.  And...it just happens to be the place next to my RE.  Funny.

Step 2 - Charting Changes

When I was on BC, I never took the placebo pills.  I felt like it was my little "break" from having to take a pill every day of my life.  So when I get my period, I usually stop charting for a few days.  Lately those few days have turned into a full week or more.  And during that time I really feel more relaxed and removed from the baby-making.  So...

Each month I won't start charting until CD11 and the most important part and the much harder to stick to...I'm going to stop charting after I've confirmed O.  So about 3-4 days after my temp rise.

I do think this will be a little hard but I also think it will be great.  We'll see how many days I decide to go before testing this month, but I very much think it'll be close to 14.

Step 3 - Yoga

This one is last because I've been talking about wanting to do yoga more regularly forever now and it still hasn't happened.  I'm pretty determined though so I'm optimistic I can follow through.

I don't think it'll happen if I just hop around different studios' Groupon deals, so I'm looking for one studio in a convenient location, where I can buy a long-term membership.  There's a tiny studio right by my house that I want to find some reviews for or I might just do a big chain like CorePower.

I hold all of my stress in my muscles, my shoulders especially and I know that yoga will help immensely.

And that's it.  Those are my 3 Stop Thinking about Babies Steps.

I realize I did not say that I will stay off of all baby-related message boards, but I've been cutting down and I will keep trying to continue.  That one's NOT a resolution.

What do you think?

Finally, a verdict...

Sorry ladies, not pregnant this month.  What's new?

How am I doing?  Not bad.  I did treat myself to a BFN treat.  Even though it's super cold outside, I had my favorite ice cream shake for lunch.  Maggie Moos Sweat Cream ice cream with strawberries and fudge.

I think I would have done everything the same way this month.  I took 4 tests; from 10-13dpo and all were negative.  This definitely kept me from getting my hopes up which was good.  I spotted just a tiny bit on 13dpo and then my temp dropped to my "period temp" of 97.2 this morning, 14dpo.  AF hasn't totally started, but it's close.  Each morning I decided whether or not to test based on my temp.

Because I now have a normal LP thanks to Clomid, I might wait a few days longer to test next month.  But I know that if I hadn't tested at all, I would definitely have convinced myself that I was in fact pregnant.

The hardest thing for me when AF starts is delayed-phantom-symptom-spotting-syndrome.  (I made that up.)  When I feel twinges, or smell things, or have a headache, or do something stupid, I can no longer blame it on maybe being pregnant.  It's hard to notice these things for 2 weeks and then turn it off immediately.

I did email the RE's office on Friday because I had no idea what happened next if I got AF.  Here's the deal.  Because of how I responded, I will be on the same 50mg dose of Clomid.  This makes me feel pretty good.  It makes me think everything worked as it should have, we just connected the wrong sperm and egg...so next month we'll connect the right two.  So I refilled my prescription at Target today and will start on Day 3.

My insurance doesn't switch until Jan 1 so that makes the decision to stay with the private RE easy.  So another $505 for this Clomid cycle.

Then, while I was driving around Christmas shopping today, I remembered my bright side for this month.  (Every month I try to come up with a reason that it was good not to get knocked up, quite yet.)  This month's bright side is work related.

As a teacher, I go back to school in late August.  During the first three days back (before kids come) there is a ton of professional development time lead by me.  Last cycle's due date was August 29th meaning I basically could not be department chair next year.  A late September due-date will be A-ok : ).

Mr. GG and I did decide that if we weren't pregnant by January that we'd try some new things.

2012 Fertility Resolutions Coming Soon!

Verdict Still Out

So my temp rose a lot, which it NEVER does on day 10, which gives me a lot of hope.

But the test was a BFN.

I feel ok about it all because I think the temp is really important so...verdict is out for now.

Oh, and I may have taken the test with me in the car on the way to work so I could keep staring at it.  But I realized I couldn't throw it away in my classroom or my students would see it and I didn't want to just leave it out in the car, so I put it in the center console.  Yep.

Here's my chart:



The Post before THE POST

So I realize that this is my 3rd cycle since blogging, but THE (results) POST is feeling a little more daunting today. 

It's like I don't want to disappoint everyone when it doesn't work out : (.  Nor do I want to disappoint myself.  But I can feel myself slowly starting to imagine the white space where the second line is supposed to show up.  Oh, the minutes I've lost straining to see an imaginary pink line...

I vacillate constantly between believing I'm definitely pregnant and doubting everything and figuring this will turn out like every other month in the last year and a half.

And I'm worried about how everyone will respond.

If it's a BFP...

I'm going to be happy, yet extremely, extremely cautious about getting excited.  The road is not smooth nor guaranteed.  BUT...I will be slightly more confident because of the Clomid.  I hope it's made my uterus a happier place.  Therefore, big emotional congratulations will kind of fall on deaf ears. 

If it's a BFN...

I'm the kind of person that likes to turn off the TV right after my team loses (and kind of pretend it never happened.)  I will try to move on immediately and deal with the wanting to quit, it'll never happen thoughts later.  And I will tell you I'm fine, that it's not big deal and it won't be right at that moment.

And I do want to share it with you all!  But I'm worried!!

I will check my temp before I decide whether or not to test.  If it's up, I'll do it.   But a part of me wants to wait until Saturday so my chances of a false negative are smaller.  It showed up at 10 last time, so it should this time too, right?

C Cups and a Trip to Peru: Symptoms

So I don't pregnancy symptom spot anymore because after googling every twinge, headache, and emotion, I realized that everything that people who may be pregnant feel, people who are not pregnant also feel.  And tons of people who are pregnant have no real symptoms.

Today I'm 7dpo and I'm feeling:

That is, hopeful and excited and trying not to get my hopes up too much all together.
This month I am feeling a few physical things that I've never felt before.  But remember, I took Clomid this month, so I attribute most of the symptoms to that.  Either way, I'm thankful to have some of these symptoms that other people seem to have and that hormone-devoid me has almost never had.

#1 - Sore nipples - I almost never have boob pain and I'm pretty sure my nipples have never been this uncomfortable.  Of course I got hit in the nipple with a soccer ball at my game on Friday night and it felt like I was being stabbed by a knife. (No exaggeration.)  This started on 3dpo but lessened at 6 and 7.

#2 - Full breasts - I think it's relevant to say that I'm a B/C cup.  I think I'm wearing all Cs now, but after being a B forever, I haven't quite adopted the C mentality : ).  Either way, my boobs are not huge...I always figured maybe this is why I never had any pain here.  And I thought it was weird when people described breasts as feeling full or heavy.  But now I get it!  I totally have full breasts right now, since yesterday (5 and 6dpo).

#3 - Vivid dreams - I occasionally have dreams that I can remember.  But Sunday morning was ridiculous!  First, I was in the classroom discussing a project with my students.  Next thing you know, I'm in Peru as a student like I'm in one of their groups for the project.  The dream covered multiple locations in Peru (where I have never been).  I also remember driving on a bus on a mountainside and being completely freaked out that we would fall over the side of the mountain because the driver was going so fast (also in Peru).  I can still picture exactly what it looked like and feel exactly how I felt on the bus (12 hours later).  Totally strange!

#4 - Hot face? - I felt flushed on and off on Sunday, but do not feel even slightly sick.  My temp was very elevated this morning (for me), 98.2.  I'm sure it could be fever, but I don't really think so.

So the verdict is that I am definitely experiencing more hormonal symptoms than ever before.  Thank you Clomid!

Today's temp is still high, but I'm totally doubting whether or not any of this points to pregnancy.  I think that's in the nature of protecting my fragile feelings.  Will test on Thursday I think....

Turkey-Basted!

(That's what Mr. GG calls Interuterine Insemination (IUI).)

I'm 1dpo today!  IUI #1 (and hopefully the last) is done!  I got my OPK smiley face yesterday afternoon.  DH took his "sample" in at 8am and I went in at 11am for my portion.  Romantic, huh?

I think this two week wait is going to be extremely difficult.  It's a lot of extra pressure to have gone to this much effort to make this month work.  Hopefully the Holidays will distract me from going insane.

For me, the IUI was worse than the HSG.  For both, a catheter is inserted through the cervix.  The nurse today said that my cervix curved or something so she had a very hard time inserting the catheter.  Eventually (after some wincing on my part) the catheter went in.  The rest of the procedure took just minutes.

 

She inserted the majority of the sperm at the top of my uterus near the fallopian tubes and the rest in my cervix to hang out in the cervical mucus. 

Mr. GG's count and motility were really good...I congratulated him : )

I laid on the table with my knees up for about 10 minutes and stared at this.  Better than ceiling tiles I guess.

 

I have to take 3 doxycyclene pills tonight and tomorrow to prevent the small chance of infection and then I have to get my blood tested in 7-10 days to check my progesterone and see whether I ovulated.

Sidenote: my cervical mucus was great this month, definitely stretchy and clear although maybe slightly stickier (rather than slippery) so I definitely am in the majority who respond well to Clomid.

You probably know that I was worrying about timing after my last post, so we had sex on Sunday night which should up our chances.  Also, my temp already spiked today, so I must have ovulated yesterday.  I think it's ok that the IUI was the day after though...
I sincerely thank all of you for your support!!  To respect Mr. GG's privacy, I am only telling my sister and I didn't get a chance to mention it to her yesterday.  So lots of love to my internet family : )

Let's hope for the spotting devil to stay away and for me to make it past 13 days...

Stirrups.

Can I just shout to the entire gynecological world of doctors and nurses that telling me anything important while my legs are up in stirrups and I'm wearing paper around my waist is the most ridiculous thing in the world? 

DO YOU HEAR ME DOCTORS AND NURSES?

So I had my RE appointment for my first Clomid cycle yesterday. First, the nurse measured my lining, but I couldn't see the screen at the time.  I was most concerned about this since my lining was already thin before Clomid.  Afterward, when I asked about it, she said that my lining is a 6.  8 is preferred, but she didn't seem overly concerned.  I hope it's ok!

Next, she checked out my left ovary and found two follicles; one measuring 24 which is pretty big and one measuring something else, 17?  (Like I said, told to me while in stirrups.)  She found one more in my right ovary which was around the same size as the smaller one on the left side.

So three follies!  I don't want three babies, but I definitely like my chances of ovulating on both sides.

I am using OPKs starting this morning, continuing every morning and afternoon, and as soon as I get a positive, I call and schedule an IUI for the next day.

I like to give detailed info so you should also know that the ideal sperm for IUI should be between 2 and 5 days old.  Mr. GG and I basically quit having sex after O last month, so his stuff is a bit older than that right now...could be a good 3 weeks old... : /.  We're tired, people!  I honestly don't understand when I see charts where the couples have sex just about every day for the entire month!  Anyway, we took care of that last night to keep everything right on track. 

Today is CD12.  On Clomid you are supposed to ovulate around 7 days after the last pill which will be right around CD14.

Update on my guilt neurosis:
I was totally freaked out that I did things wrong this cycle because I was supposed to start using OPKs on Day 11.  For some reason, I didn't go back and read the pamphlet on Clomid cycles that the doctor gave me.  I imagined that I somehow missed it.  Hello Mrs. GG, Do you really think you're going to ovulate on Day 11 when it's never been earlier than 18?

Also, for weekend IUIs you have to call the morning before prior to 10 am so that they can schedule staff for the next day.  I didn't bother to get out of bed until 10:10 today, then freaked out, so I was praying that I didn't get a smiley face on today's OPK.  I'm hoping this afternoon is negative too.  How am supposed to schedule a Sunday IUI if I get a positive in the afternoon on Saturday and you're supposed to call by 10am?  Won't Monday be too late?  Arg!

It's kind of weird that Mr. GG and I will not be having sex on our own this cycle.

This is stressful, but exciting.  Will keep you updated...

Drugs.

I'm a Just Say No, raised in the 80s kind of girl.  Well except for a couple times with that "gateway drug" in my 20s...full disclosure.  But I didn't like it.  I was a psych major and I like to know what's happening in my brain cuz I kinda like it the way it is.  I take pain medication, but in serious moderation.  My pain level needs to be about a 5 or 6 before I turn to Ibuprofen.  Mr. GG on the other hand pops 3 most evenings (he's old).

Granted to say, I was not eager to jump straight to drugs to deal with our conception issues.  But after a full year, some frustrating medical service (HMO-style), a chemical pregnancy, and finally some excellent medical service (private), I am ready and fully believe Clomid will solve all of my problems! Hmm..sounds like I'm setting myself up for disappointment.

I have been taking 7 pills a day for the last 5 days.

In the evening: Clomid 50mg, Target prenatal vitamin, 2 1mg Folic Acid pills

In the morning: 2 more 1mg Folic Acid pills and a baby Aspirin (Target Brand, 81mg)

More on Clomid:

Here's the quick version of what Clomid does:

The good: Clomid mimics Estrogen in the brain by blocking the Estrogen receptors (imagine puzzle pieces).
The body thinks it doesn't have enough Estrogen so the pituitary produces more FSH (follice stimulating hormone) and LH (luteinizing hormone).  An voi'la...stronger ovulation.

The bad: Clomid also blocks the Estrogen receptors in other parts of the body like the uterus which can cause decreased, dry, or even "hostile" cervical mucus.  (Anyone else picturing CM with machine guns?  Just me?  Maybe it's because I'm watching The Kite Runner while writing this.)  It can also thin the uterine lining which is no bueno for implantation.  Because of these side effects, IUI (interuterine insemination) or the Turkey Baster as Mr. GG calls it, is often done with Clomid.  Apparantly around 30% of people who take Clomid experience these negative effects.

Random Fact: I learned through Googling that body builders also take Clomid!  Almost half of the sites I found linked to body building and/or steroids.  Weirdos.

I finished my last pill last night (you only take 5) and I have an ultrasound on Friday to check my lining and follicles.  Very nervous!  I really hoped it worked.

The only side-effect I had was night sweats a couple of times per night on 3 of the nights.  They were no big deal.

Anyone else have a Clomid story to share?

The joys and perils of charting BBT

Confession: I let my temperature determine my mood for the day.

This isn't a problem during the beginning of the month, but it turns me bi-polar toward the end.

Example:  Yesterday, 8dpo, my temperature was about as high as it ever gets.  It doesn't have to be this high for me to get pregnant, but it's definitely not a bad thing.  So I was up and about in an instant yesterday, excited to start my day.

And then today my temperature was super low, like about to start AF low.  This is not normal for 9dpo.  And I did take it an hour early (because I never changed my bedroom clock after the time change so I thought it was 5:30 when it was really 4:30).  But even adjusted, it's way low.  Sure, this could be an implantation dip.  But I'm not really holding my breath.  On these days I just want to keep hitting snooze, not go to school, and be grumpy all day.

I really used to be a truly rational person.  And I used to get things done at work.  Now I just compare my charts to other people's to convince myself that I can still hope another day.  Even though I know that I really can't know anything for sure.  I have a whole other post planned about sites to read for hours on end during the two week wait...

Please tell me you are crazy like me! : )

Cycle 15 Update: 4dpo

I'm feeling super positive about this cycle.  I'm planning on telling the story that once we finally decided to proceed with Clomid and IUI because of my inhospitable uterus : ) we (sorta) quit trying and it worked!  I say sort of because I can't quit trying, it's not in my DNA.

I started taking the 4mg of Folic Acid and low-dose aspirin at 1 dpo so maybe that will make a difference?  All I know so far is that I have more high temps than I've ever had 4 days in.  I also ovulated on the early side for me, CD18, the same day I ovulated during the cycle I got pregnant.  Maybe my body is angry that we're trying to bypass it and tried harder all it's own?

Here's my chart:

See all the 97.9's from the last 3 days?  I sometimes get one temp that high, but very rarely 3 or more.  my temp usually hangs around 97.6 or .7 through the mid part of the cycle and then I start to spot.  I'm hoping if it stays mostly high, maybe that won't happen.  I literally can't wait each morning to check my temp...I take it at 5:20, but don't read it until I really wake up.  (I've made that mistake before.  It flashes for literally a second and sleepy eyes often don't read that quickly.)

For me this is the positive-emotions, but crazy-lady part of my cycle.  I start to compare my chart to pregnancy charts on TCOYF.  I hope to get really tired and crampy around 7dpo.  I try my hardest not to symptom spot any further than that because I know that most symptoms don't appear until well after a BFP.  And then I wait patiently to get a new temp to add to my data set.  Oh, and I always check the possible baby's due date as soon as I O.  This maybe baby is due on --

OMG.  I just looked it up now and you won't believe it.  It would be due on my birthday!!  July 31st.  That would be super special. (I might be getting a little teary.)

I'll let you know how this cycle ends up in about a week.  Cross your fingers for me!

Now don't worry, this doesn't mean I'll be devastated if AF shows again.  Because we have a plan for next month that will make it different from this one.  But I'm going to keep hoping.

And We Have a Plan!!

You guys!  I just had my first doctor's appointment that relieved stress rather than adding it!

Plan: Start Clomid; possibly with IUI

What we came away with:

• Lab Order: "Law Tests" - HIV, Hepatitis B, C, and 2 others (required by law before man can give sperm)
• Prescription: 4 mg Folic Acid - The Dr. said that you need a prescription for over 1mg so over-the-counter pill have less than that.  He wants me to take my regular pill plus 4 mg.
• Prescription: Clomid
• Pre-Natal and Baby Aspirin - Take 1 a day of each

How it at went down:

After we checked in we were escorted to the doctor's office.  It had a small round table and chairs as well as his desk.  He sat with us at the smaller table.  He started by listening (so refreshing!).  Then he said that we have 2 basic issues that need to be address (both of which we already knew).  And...he looked at my charts!  Woo-hoo!  I have been waiting for someone ot take them seriously.

1) Mr. GG's morphology is 4%.  Our Dr. said that almost no men meet the 14% normal morphology (sperm shape).  Most men will be at 8%.  Yes, Mr. GG's is lower, but the Dr. said not to worry, he's seen success with 1%...it just takes one.  He also told us that we can improve his morphology!  I have tried to research male infertility issues, but it's a bitch, really.  The prescription is simple:

• Take a multi-vitamin.  (Mr. GG was already doing this, but on a semi-regular basis.)

• Take a supplement of Carnitine.

• Eat lots of foods rich in antioxidants: blueberries, acai, etc.

Also important; he agreed that staying out of the hot tub is extremely important.  And he said that spinning class (Mr. GG's new workout obsession) is not a problem.

2) My spotting.  He agreed that it is a problem and confirmed that it's usually due to an progesterone issue.  (The other option is fibroids or some other issue, but my HSG and an ultrasound ruled that out.)  He said that some doctors prescribe a progesterone supplement, but that he preferred to make the body produce more progesterone on it's own.  Solution: Clomid.  He really thinks Clomid will most likely solve all of our issues!  Why didn't my OBGYN say this?  Grr.

We did end up switching our insurance to an HMO that provides coverage, so we have to decide whether we can wait until February to do IUIs or whether we want to pay out of pocket to do it at this office.  

Cost: 

• $505 for the IUI cycle including appointments and sperm wash
• ($75) for trigger shot (can choose this or use an OPK to predict O)
• ($225) for an additional IUI one day later
• ($250) for additional appointments, if necessary.
• $? Clomid - will talk to pharmacy soon

Basically it should be between $600-700.

Either way, I'm starting my 5 day Clomid course on Day 3 of the next cycle.  We just have to decide whether we want to add the IUI.

I am sooooooo excited to have a real plan!!!!!!!!!!

He also did an ultrasound which was also really cool.  He said my lining is a bit thin which is to be expected with my probable progesterone issue.  Then we looked at my left ovary which had a bunch of tiny black spots which he said are follicles.  It's healthy and fertile...yay!  At this point I mentioned that I should be ovulating soon.  He said that I definitely would not be ovulating from this ovary.  So we looked at the right one and voila!  Big black spot...my egg for the month.  It was measuring small, 11x17.  It's supposed to be 18 and over to be good, but that's ok.  Clomid should fix all.  All in all, it was really exciting.  I feel majorly renewed hope! : )