Update at bottom:
I 100% stand by my choice to talk about what is going on in my pregnancy even though I am opening myself up to "the world." I also knew writing for Hellobee could potentially bring a larger spectrum of readers to the blog because so far it's been pretty limited to the IF community.
And so it's official. My nice little protective bubble has been broken. And it's a little bit stressful, and my heart beats about a million times a minute when I read a mean comment, but I'm ok with it because I am going through a unique situation, but one that others will go through in the future. And there is just not enough information out there about it. So I'm adding a story.
I will still choose not to publish any unsupportive comments. I appreciate your opinion, even when it's mean or attacking me. But since this is my blog. I get to choose.
I think some people are telling people about my blog and the paraphrase: heartless unemotional way that I intend to abort or murder my babies (word choice depending on the author). A few readers thought that it was extra insensitive for me to be writing about maternity jeans making me feel better after a post about reduction. First, the last 2 years of my life have been full of emotion. And my husband and I have used those emotions to in the end, rationally make the decisions that are best for us. I have acknowledged throughout that I do not expect everyone to agree, but if you've only read one post of mine - you don't know me or my emotions. Second, the jeans did make me feel better. About my growing belly - NOT about reduction. That's ridiculous. No wait, maybe I'll buy myself an ice cream and everything will just magically be ok.
Anyway. I hope that if you read my blog, you learn my perspective. I try to teach my students to look at all perspectives of an issue. It's how we learn about people. And like I have said before, I don't believe core values can be changed or at least that they are extremely resistant to change. I think they're formed fairly early in our lives and are pretty fundamental to who we are. I am firmly pro-choice and always have been. I cannot envision a world where I don't have the right to control what happens to my own body. That's what's great about being pro-choice in my opinion. Everyone gets to make their own choice.
In two weeks, I will make the choice to go from a high-risk pregnancy, to a low risk pregnancy.
(I'll post my 12 week update tomorrow...)
Update:
So I've spent the last hour or two reading a few women at another blog talk and speculate about me. I know I'm a glutton for punishment, but I really had to read it. I'm not going to name the blog because I am not going to engage in internet bitchiness. But I just have to repeat a few of the things said about me. First they speculate whether I'm even real, but "sadly" realize that I am very real. Then they repeat bits and pieces of various posts and twist them to show how "unsympathetic, callous and selfish" I am. Others wonder why I would post any of this online, why I wouldn't just keep it private. I guess you can read above to answer that one. I wrote one response on the blog telling the author how I found her blog when I first found out that I was pregnant with multiples and actually enjoyed reading it and was saddening to find her then misrepresenting me. I know that this type of thing is extremely common, but I find it very sad. I'm sure these women think of themselves as "good" women. Then why do they feel the need to talk shit about me? I hope that they realize that this benefits no one.
First of all let me start of by saying, whether a person agrees or disagrees with what you are doing they need to realize that this is your blog. This is a place that you started to feel comfortable about your feelings etc. I was scared when I saw you posted on Hellobee just because so many people in this world want to judge and jump to judgement before even knowing circumstances or facts. These are trolls and unfortunately they can't be stopped. You definitely don't need all of this added stress on top of the already difficult decisions you are faced with. I hope you know that you do have a full supportive community here for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing this post - unfortunately, there are people out there who are completely walled off to the idea that everyone is unique, has a unique story, and therefore, has unique beliefs, opinions and choices. And, there are too many people who don't know the difference between voicing their own opinion in a constructive way, and being just plain nasty. For what it is worth, I truly believe that for every mean, insensitive comment you get, that there are dozens of people who support you, and who appreciate and learn from everything that you have shared.
ReplyDeleteI fully support you.
ReplyDeleteIt's always easy for someone to cast judgement on a situation that they have NEVER been in.
You know your body best.
Sending you tons of hugs!!
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with judgement during this time. I honestly believe that it's so much easier to judge when you haven't been in the situation and, hence, think you are wise to be protective of yourself and DH during this time.
ReplyDeleteWhat you have been/are currently going through is HARD. Very hard. This stuff breaks people. So you need to do what's best for you and your family because, at the end of the day, you are the one living your life. No one else.
On that note, I commend you for sharing your experience. For every mean comment, there is someone who is learning from you. And I think that's an invaluable thing.
Hang in there and know that you are supported. The trolls are not.
I really admire your conviction and fully support it. I am totally pro-choice as well, but I knew the "lifers" would come out of the woodwork to throw in their two cents on your situation. It's unavoidable, once you put yourself out there, so I really admire yourself for doing so, and for sticking to your guns. Like I've said, I don't know that I could make the same decision as you but I think I'd really want to. I think it's the mature decision, one made by a true parent and guardian. I still say bravo to you for all that you're doing, forget the naysayers.
ReplyDeleteI'm very proud of your strength throughout this; and there aren't too many people who can say they fully understand your situation (and therefore have an informed opinion) because you are currently in a very unique pregnancy. I support your right to choose as well. You and your husband need to do what's right for you. I wish you all the strength and support in the world to help you both work through this :-)
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through the Hellobee community. I've been following along for the last few weeks now and just want to lend you my support. I commend you for your strength to write about your situation and the difficult decision you'll have to make and put it out there for the world to read. I'm sure many will benefit from reading about your journey. Wish you all the best!
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog today by chance and wanted to lend my support. I find your honesty amazing and commend your strength in a less then ideal situation. I will pray for you and yours during this difficult time, and know that despite those that disagree with your choice, there are many who also agree with your choice. Good luck and I'll keep following along!
ReplyDeleteGawd, because this situation isn't hard enough for you? I know it's inevitable that the haters would come out of the woodwork in a situation like this, but seriously. Not helpful, not for anyone. The simple fact that you underwent IVF and a long struggle to become pregnant does NOT mean that you are required to carry out a dangerous pregnancy! That is your right, and noone can take that away from you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that there are those out there trying to make the situation even more difficult. I truly hope that for each person out there bringing on tears that there are many many more showing you their support.
You, my dear, are to be commended for your honesty, candor, and willingness to be a voice for anyone out there going through a similar situation needing support.
I appreciate you for being so open and honest about your journey. It's a tough decision and by no means have you ever taken it lightly. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteYet you are not allowing comments from those who DO understand and have been in your shoes with a "very unique pregnancy". Isn't that interesting.
ReplyDeleteI have been in your shoes, with 2 babies sharing the sac/placenta. I was pressured to kill one or more of my babies by a doctor who had something to gain from it (not messing up his stats). Mine are 10 now. Sure, there have been plenty of times they were not convenient, but what the hell, LIFE is not convenient - that doesn't mean we get to go around killing those who make it so.
I do wish the best for your remaining baby.
Ok, I'll publish yours.
DeleteFirst, I have done a ton of research and have heard the stories about women whose pregnancies have been successful as well as those that haven't. I'm choosing not to publish the comments just to keep my blog as a place of positivity for me. Second, if I only had 2 babies that were sharing a sac and placenta, I would not reduce. It's the adding risk of that plus having triplets that has led to my decision. Also - you can't reduce just one if they share the same sac/placenta.
I also personally do not believe it is "killing" hence my pro-choice stance. It's not about convenience, it's about risk.
Midnight Ramblings, reading your choice of words filled with spite (e.g., killing, convenience, etc), it doesn't sound like you understand. It's so easy to judge others without knowing their situation. If people can respect your decision, why can't you respect others?
DeleteITA, vivi. Word choice is pretty much all we have to go on when reading a typed response, and the post by Midnight Ramblings is very judgmental in tone.
DeleteIf people don't want to read about your choices, they don't need to - they can stop, at any time. Just know that we're here to support YOU. x
ReplyDeleteI don't know you personally, but I've been there. I spent years trying to become pregnant and I ended up pregnant with triplets. One of my doctors brought up selective reduction. It is not without risk. We chose to let nature take its course. If our babies weren't healthy enough to survive, then at least we would have given them every opportunity to survive. If all three babies are healthy, how does anyone choose which life to end? As a mother of triplets, one of whom was born with a chromosomal abnormality and congenital heart defect (diagnosed after birth and had nothing to do with being a fraternal triplet), I urge you to reconsider and think about just letting nature take its course. You may be pleasantly surprised that your healthy body can carry two or even three of these babies for up to 37 weeks. The odds really are on your side to deliver three beautiful, healthy babies who will fill your home and heart with love and laughter. Few things are more difficult than losing a child, so why not give yourself a chance to go through this pregnancy with no more loss. A good perinatologist can get you through this pregnancy and a moms of multiples support group will give you encouragement and strength to continue. I, too, am pro-choice - but a woman who has tried so hard to become a mother shouldn't be encouraged to choose a reduction in an otherwise healthy pregnancy. Triplets are so doable. Please please reconsider. Take it from someone who truly has been there. I know these kids are worth taking a chance.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you are saying and I am not being forced into this by doctors. It is a decision that my husband and I have made based on many different factors.
DeleteAlso, the risk of selective reduction is very small, about 1% of reductions end in miscarriage. That is smaller than the number of triplet pregnancies that end in miscarriage.
I would encourage you to find some moms who have gone through the reduction procedure. I have met a small handful online in the past. One was pregnant with 5 babies initially and for health reasons reduces to triplets. Another actually had to stop during the ultrasound right before the doctors were about to inject her babies hearts with the medication that would end their lives. She simply couldn't choose which ones to let go because all three babies were healthy. These women are out there and they are talking about their experiences. I have rarely seen a triplet pregnancy end in the loss of all three babies, especially once all three make it into the second semester. And even prematurely born babies have a 97% survival rate when born as much as 12 weeks early. These babies are still alive - please don't end their lives.
DeleteI have found a few women who have recently gone through a similar reduction and in that process I have also come across multiple people who lost all 3 babies. So I am well-informed.
DeleteBeing a mother of triplets and also a nurse that works with newborns, I am saddened that you let statistics chose for you. There is always a risk to everything in life. You statistically take a risk everytime you get into your car. So are you going to elimiate driving? I see single babies that are completely healthy die. What is the rate of miscarriage in single pregnancies. Because there is a risk should you ever have attempted to get pregnant? You are assuming that you will miscarry or have complications. Having triplets is expensive but I don't feel like I need to file for bankrupty, you just have to prioritize you time and what is important financially. I am saddened that you so desperatly wanted to be a mother- which I do commend your desire!-but then chose to not keep the children that you were blessed with. I would not go back and change my pregnancy with my triplets, I would not go back and change anything about them. They are amazing beautiful and perfect in everywhere!
Deleteyou really should post the comments that are negative because it seems like you want the other readers to think it's all people who have never been in your shoes.... but you are correct there are plenty of TRIPLET moms on FB reposting your link and we have obviously all been in your shoes. I used to blog when my trio were babies and stopped when they were two. I wouldn't of even known about your blog or cared to comment BUT selective reduction strikes a nerve and automatically brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat thinking back to my dr suggesting we "reduce" baby A. If I did not have baby A in my life or B or C for that matter I would not be whole. just saying...PLENTY of us have been in your shoes...the situation is NOT that unique.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I've ever implied that no one has been in my shoes. I know that there is a huge, supportive triplet community out there. What does still seem unique to me - is to blog about reduction. For someone who is considering the issue, they will find many more blogs about triplet families than women who chose to reduce. I'm telling the controversial side of the story. And I understand that it is controversial and also why many people don't do it. How many people really want to open themselves up to such criticism at such a difficult time of life? I respect your decision not to reduce. I'm not even asking that you understand my decision...just that you respect that it is mine to make.
DeleteNot all triplet moms have "obviously all been in [her] shoes." Not all triplet pregnancies involve monoamniotic, monochorionic twins. I understand where you are coming from with your comment, but I am exceedingly disappointed that you failed to acknowledge this important distinction. See her post about it here: http://babymakingmerrygoround.blogspot.com/2012/06/multifetal-reduction.html
DeleteYes, this is your blog--your space to express what ever you would like. However, since it is public you are going to get all sides of this issue you are presenting to the world. You have had a ton of support on here...but part of you has to understand how other people in the IF community could disagree with your choices. Some people have yet to achieve success and to see someone who has made it to the other side opt to reduce can understandingly break some hearts. Being "mean" doesn't solve anything--but to be honest you do have a very casual way of expressing yourself in such a gut wrenching situation that may anger people and spark negativity. Again, this is your space and you can express yourself the way you want--I just wanted you to understand where the criticism comes from. Again, I am praying for you and your babies.
ReplyDeleteI know this is the internet and is public. So I'm not surprised by the response, I anticipated it. And all along I have always mentioned that I know that not everyone will agree. I have processed all of the parts of this process at home with my husband and family. So when I write, I am very straightforward and candid. I personally do not believe that deserves "mean" comments - I don't thing anything comes from those comments.
DeleteI'm glad you posted these. I hoped that every single person who opposed your choice was not a mean spirited....just because someone disagrees does not give them the right to be cruel. I hope you see that there are people out there who may disagree with selective reduction but are still kind. I know that there are many who would love to support you if you decided to keep all of your babies.
DeleteOn a side note, you once said that if you could go back you would still transfer both embryos. We all know you can't go back and that hindsight is 20/20, but maybe you could reconsider that statement and look into educating people about how to avoid being in your situation. Yes, you had an initial split into triplets (very rare) but in that case nature took it's course and only 2 developed. So if you did do a eSET you would not be where you are now. This is your blog and you may only be looking for support...but maybe reaching out and trying to educate others who find your public blog will help. Again, eSET's are ideal for people under 35 years of age, who make good quality blasts and who want to avoid multiples at all costs.
I will go back and edit that because I have definitely changed my mind. I've also thought about writing a post on eSET.
DeleteThank you so much. As a twin mom who did an eSET the second time around, I feel very passionately about educating others about the options in regard to IVF. Often times we are so very desperate to get pregnant (me included in this group), financially strapped to make it work with as few attempts as possible and swayed by doctors want their "numbers" to be the best they can be--women are often encouraged to transfer multiple embryos--even high quality blasts. Again, for people who do not want multiples an eSET is the only way to go. Now, if you are AMA or don't have high quality blasts it is a whole other story. In this case transferring multiple embryos results in much less (not unheard of) cases of multiples. Or if you truly desire multiples (yes, many of us actually wanted them), transferring more than one embryo is again your other option.
DeleteAs for what to do if you are given multiples and did not desire them...sometimes in life we can plan and think we know what is best for us or what we can and cannot handle...but in the end God, the universe, fate (whatever you believe in) has something else in mind. Sometimes we have to take responsibility for our actions and accept what we have been handed--the good, the bad and the ugly.
By the way...I would not have it any other way than to have my twins--together--same pregnancy--same time.
Just here to support you. I think you are being a great teacher in your openness about your situation. As with all things in life--there are always individual situations and circumstances. And there is no judgment that others can make if they have not been in your exact circumstances.
ReplyDelete[[Hugs]]
Alright, I published a few of the comments that present the alternative point of view, but are rational and well-written. I will respond to some individually, but I do want to say that my decision does not reflect on moms of triplets and their choices. I completely understand them and respect them. And still, I will make my own choice, based on a lot of research, that I feel is the least risky for my family. I agree that no pregnancy is without risk and that the risks do not stop after the baby is born. But this path is the risk that I feel most comfortable with.
ReplyDeleteIt your pregnancy, your body, and your blog. You have to do what is right for your family and what makes you comfortable. If I was in the same situation, I believe I would be doing the same thing. I wish you luck!
DeleteI am sorry that you are having to deal with this. I admire you for being so open and honest about the whole situation. I know that it wasn't an easy decision for you DH and you to make. You have to do what is best for you and your family. Thanks again for sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteThere for you 100% - I really appreciate your openness and wish you and your growing family well xox
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, its your life and its your blog. You know best what you can handle and I really respect your decisions. It is a tough decision and am happy that you are confident and strong about it. I whole heartedly support you. Only you know yourself best. Good luck!!
ReplyDeleteAs a mother of quads (two are identical twins) I feel your pain and your struggle. You don't have to post this, but I just wanted to at least suggest that I've read a few things on the internet about the grief and survivor guilt the remaining child of a set of multiples (who were selectively reduced). I think it ends up being very hard on the survivor, both wondering what it would have been like with their multiple siblings and also feeling like it could have been them who was terminated. I have heard that it can tear mother/child apart. I just wanted you to at least consider this angle.
ReplyDeleteI will be praying for you and your little ones.
I think you are brave for speaking out about your situation. It IS a unique situation, regardless of what the triplet moms say. You transferred two embryos, and ended up pregnant with FOUR babies. That doesn't happen very often.
ReplyDeleteI commend you for writing about your choices and decisions. It WILL help someone else down the line. And I don't know about you, but that's why I blog. In hopes that if perchance someone stumbles upon my blog, it may offer them some hope, some feeling of belonging, some peace.
I don't feel comfortable judging others. I will never cease to be surprised at how many others are comfortable with it.
<3
I haven't posted here before, but I wanted to give you my profound support. If I were in your position, I would do the same thing--but that is not even the point. More importantly, I respect the thoughtful way you are approaching your decision, as well as your willingness to think through the decision publicly. I admire the way you are bringing your mission as a teacher to this very personal area of your life. Perhaps others in a similar situation may benefit from your thinking, and those who aren't could gain additional perspective that will enlarge their sympathies and help them to more finely hone their own opinion. Keep on keeping on.
ReplyDeleteIt is so sad that people feel the need to spend so much time criticizing others. I am glad that you published some comments from people who present the other point of view and can express it rationally. Since several (all?) of them are moms of multiples, I'm sure it is a very emotional issue for them, and I do think people have a right to disagree politely. I think you're very brave for talking about this openly, it is such a sensitive issue no matter what side you're on. And you do have plenty of people who support you and wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteI would like to throw in my whole-hearted support for you, and all of your decisions, including your choice to post or not post some of your comments. This world is already full of too much negativity, and people chiming in on things that are none of their business.
ReplyDeleteLots of hugs and positive energy to you. You do WHATEVER you need to do to minimize the stress in your life.
I don't want to be mean or tell you what to do. But can I share my experience?
ReplyDeleteThe week after our oldest’s 1st birthday, we took a family vacation. Everything was going so well and we were so happy we started thinking about baby #2. Because it had taken so long to get pregnant the first 2 times (1 mc), we decided we wouldn’t prevent it, but wouldn’t actively try either. We assumed that the next baby would arrive when our oldest was between 2 and 3. I got KU that week.
FF to my first prenatal apt. The us tech asked me a couple of times if we'd been on fertility drugs, which we hadn’t. She showed us the 2 sacks. That was surprise enough! When we were discussing the us results with the OB, she mentioned identical twins. I said, "Wait... I thought identicals shared a sac; there were two sacs; wouldn't that make them fraternal?" She said, "Oh yes. You have the identical twins in one sac and the fraternal triplet in the other." I almost passed out. I dropped the F bomb. I cried and cried and cried. I was lost.
My pregnancy was a breeze. I worked up until 30 weeks (I got dehydrated, which brought on pre-term labor, which they stopped but I was on light/modified bedrest for the duration), I never saw a specialty doctor.
My GGB trio was born at 34 weeks 4 days; my oldest was 19 months. They weighed 5 pds each, and had mild complications like jaundice and apnea that kept them in the NICU for 2 weeks. The first 2 years were the hardest; bottles, diapers, screaming, sleep deprivation; all with a 2 year old on top of that. I had daydreams of running away to an island where no one would ever be able to find me. I resented my babies for ruining my life. I couldn't bond with them and I felt like a failure. When they were about 8 mos I had a true breakdown; I nearly shook my son. I went outside to scream and cry and call my husband home. I also called my OB, who got me an apt and anti-depressants the next day. They directed me to a wonderful therapist, who labeled me a threat to myself and my children. (That stung.) I was dx’ed with PTSD, major depression, and PPD. But she helped me work through the depression, the guilt, the resentment; IDK where I’d be without her. Now I love my kids. My life isn't ideal, but it will be someday; when I have a huge family and loads of grandkids around the Christmas tree and loads of happiness in my heart, and my husband and I can be alone and do all the things we wanted to do while we were young, it will have all worked out for the best. Yes, some days are better than others; some days I still want to run away. But I think any mom experiences that. My kids are hilarious, cute, sweet, loving, smart, remarkable children, and while it sounds so cliché, I can't imagine my life without them. Having the identical twins is so awesome; they have a bond that none of my other kids share. It's one of the most magical things I've ever seen in my life.
My oldest is 6 and is starting 1st grade; my triplets are 4, and next fall they’ll start kindergarten. Time goes so fast. I'm already prepping them for school! Then before I know it, I'll have 4 teenagers, then 4 kids in college, then 4 kids moving out and getting married. It will have all passed, just 15 short years from now. Just think it through, all the way. I know you're set on reducing, but you'll not only be reducing the number of babies you have to carry, you'll also be reducing the love and fun and craziness. Now, I'm ALL ABOUT a woman's right to choose, and I'm not remotely religious. I KNOW if I had been given the option of reduction at that time I would have done it. So I'm glad I didn't know; I'm glad my OB never mentioned it; I'm glad I have a crazy life with 4 kids. If you do reduce, you'll never know the magic of triplets, of identical twins, of having a big family. It's not easy, but anything worth the end result is always hard, isn't it? Just imagine what your life could be like with that much love.
It makes me so sad that people feel the need to judge and get involved in other peoples lives. This is obviously a VERY personal choice and one that should be completely up to you and your husband. I honestly can't say if I would do the same thing in your situation but I know that I would want the right to decide that for myself.
ReplyDeleteI think you have been incredibly brave to be as candid as you have been about this journey. It is not an easy thing to go through when you have people talking behind your back but I admire your strength and spirit.
I wish you and your husband only the best in this pregnancy and I will be here following you every step of the way...no judgement included.
this is one of those things like religion, abortion, gay marriage, etc. people are very likely to be either on one side of the issue or the other. and very squarely so. its one of those things that we think we can argue about rationally or debate with others, but in the end, people will not listen to the arguments and cannot be convinced to switch their positions. they quite simply believe one thing in their gut and they will stick with that.
ReplyDeletefor what it's worth, i'm glad you're telling your story. i'm learning from what you are going through. most importantly, how to be pragmatic when it comes to tough decisions and how to put your rational cap on right after coming out of the crazy woods of IF.
to be fair and transparent - i am a medical scientist. i dont believe in boogie-men, angels, people rising from the dead, the devil, or the idea of personhood for clumps of cells. i think the end of the world will be caused by nuclear war or global warming, not by a white guy with blue eyes and long brown hippie hair descending from the sky and declaring things are over (although i was raised that way). i don't believe in letting "nature" take its course if that course doesn't make sense. would people who want to argue that YOU should let nature take its course let their husbands/friends/parents/babies not receive medical care because "nature should take it's course"?!
sorry for the rant. in short, i totally support you. best wishes and hugs.
YOU ROCK! seriously that is all i can say. I am impressed with your openess and your bravery. I wish more people were able to be this open about things that are so personal and controversal. to the haters i say Judge not lest shall be judged.
ReplyDeleteYou are dealing with a tough situation. Not for a second do I believe that you haven't put a lot of thought and emotion into this. Dealing with IF is a painful situation and it wears us down. Then finally getting a BFP is amazing - only to be faced with your situation. You have to do what is right for YOU! Not what is right for other people. You are obviously an intelligent woman and have articulated your reasons very clearly. If people don't like what you have to say, then they don't have to read it. It's your blog! Sure the internet is public, but there is nothing forcing people to read it. Stay strong and do what is right for you. None of the naysayers are going to live your life and be there to hold your hand. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteLike I have said from the beginning, I cannot imagine being in your shoes much less having to make these kind of decisions. This is a choice between you and your husband and no one else. While we may have differing views on some things it is still your choice and I commend you for being strong through this.
ReplyDelete*** HUGS *** The blogosphere is just like the rest of the world - full of amazing people and then some not-amazing ones. And the mommy blogger world is sadly full of many of the latter. I'm so sorry your bubble got broken, but know that you've got an amazing community that won't let this ruin your space here. :) After 6 years out in the big blog world, I've seen every ebb and flow. Thanks for sharing this very very personal and difficult decision here.
ReplyDeleteJust want to say good for you for responding to the those with an alternative point of view with respect and class while still maintaining your point of view. In the end the only thing that matters is what you and your husband decide. Having triplets despite the risks and complications to mother and babies may have been the right thing for those that posted above, but you have decide it is not the right thing for your family. It is your family, your body, your lives...always remember that :)
ReplyDeleteWow. As a newbie to the online IF community, this greatly surprises and saddens me to know that female cattiness does not only exist IRL but also in the virtual world. I'm so sorry that you have to put up with that. But it's clear from the comments to this post that there are so many MORE people who support you and I hope that gives you some strength and peace. I cannot say what I would do in your situation, but I do know this: you have the right to make your own decisions and to blog about it as you see fit, and that you are a strong woman for doing so. I wish you only the best and will gladly follow your story as you take this journey. ~ hugs ~
ReplyDeleteI don't know why it wouldn't let me leave a non-reply regular comment after my reply to another poster earlier! Anyway, I am sorry I had never commented before this post - I usually just read blogs on my phone. But I am so appalled at the treatment you are receiving, however unsurprising it is, that I felt compelled to drag out my computer to communicate this. I am sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best of luck and health throughout the rest of this pregnancy, and all the support you need and want in the decisions you make.
ReplyDeletei appreciate your effort! If only you could read some of the ones that did not make it to post!
DeleteI think what you're doing, by blogging about this, is incredibly important. People don't talk about such things, because it is considered taboo still - rightly or wrongly. Of course, by doing it you are also opening yourself up to criticism, but from what I can see anyway, you're handling that pretty well too.
ReplyDeleteI'm pro-choice. I think it is up to you and your husband to choose what is right for you, and you two are the only ones that matter... whatever any random internet people say. It sounds to me as though you've done your research and you know the risks. I hope everything works out for you.
I just wanted to throw it out there that I've been reading your blog and I'm pro-life. I don't think you are a terrible person or anything, and it hurts my heart to hear people being such assholes! I'm sorry you and your little family are going through such a rough time. Pregnancy is scary and crazy no matter what, and yours is extra stressful.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't going to write what I thought, but I noticed you decided to put in some comments if they were respectful. But I say this fully knowing I probably won't influence anything just from an internet comment! (And geez, hopefully some pro-life people will realize being a jerk online doesn't endear people to their cause!) But I think if you have the triplets, you wouldn't regret it. It would be really, really hard. But I don't think you would look at two of the kids and think "I wish you weren't here." The other thing is I see you write about about how "all there babies are doing okay" and it makes me think this would be so hard, to be caring and worrying about three babies and then suddenly one.
I hope that whatever you do, you find care and compassion and support to guide you through the rest of your pregnancy and motherhood. I hope you deliver healthy baby/ies. Good luck, prayers, and well wishes to you! I hope this comment wasn't jerky. If so, just delete it.
You are so exceptionally brave. Not only for facing the hard stuff, but for putting it out there for all of us to learn from. You should be commened for that. I am so sorry that you are dealing with mean spiritedness from people on top of everything else that you are dealing with.
ReplyDeleteI think someone people forget that "pro-life" is about more than just conception. It's about preserving life. Your motivations are not to end a life and many of us recognize that. It's certainly not a decision you are making for convenience sake. It's a horrible decision to have to make and we've all watched you think though it. Your situation is very unique and you are trying to figure out what decisions will help you end up with the most alive people at the end of your pregnancy.
I heard about you through a triplet group...so yes I have triplets. I know the pain you are going through. I faced the same decisions...in faced I was told to abort one of the babies who was really not doing well at all. There are no easy answers, absolutely none. I kept all three only because I was worried that doing any kind of intervention would impact the two healthy fetuses. I spent many months in the hospital, and didn't know how many live babies I would end up with at the end. Incredibly traumatic. Remember to breathe, honor yourself and what you know is right for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your understanding.
DeleteI was faced with selective reduction, and told I would not be able to, nor would they survive, and my outcome would be devastating. I was 48 years old and delivered 30.6 week premature triplets seven years ago after. Nothing could have prepared me for the word triplets. Almost 8 years later, nothing could convince me that I didn't made the right choice.
ReplyDeleteYes, it is your choice, and yes, you are pro-choice .. but since you've made this blog public, your community, family, friends, students and many others know of the choice you are making. The day may come that those that know you will tell your remaining babies or baby in an unkind way, and that heartache may never be healed. We as parents love our kids unconditionally, but even we can not choose their belief's .. and they may suffer more than your heart can bear down the road.
Whatever your reason's are, it is your choice. Pray for the right choice, but if you decide to keep all of your babies, the day will also come that you will look at all of them at the same time and thank God for them. I have 7 kids ages 31, 30, 29 and 28 and 7 year old triplets and 8 grandkids. Each of them are a blessing in my life. Good Luck to you.
Another mom of triplets here. i have three amazing 8-year-old boys. i have experienced so many of the negatives that you fear. I was hospitalized for eight weeks prior to my children being born. Baby c had complications that should have been incompatible with life, but he was born alive and kicking. The strain to your marriage you used to rationalize your choice? I got divorced shortly after my boys were born. As my boys grew, it became evident that Baby C (definitely the one that would have been reduced) has neurological problems due to prematurity and low birth weight. he also has a genetic disorder. So, I'm pretty much your "worst case scenario," your perfect storm of reasons to reduce. But I cherish all three of my triplets and they are fiercely devoted to each other.
ReplyDeleteI have never, not for one tiny moment, regretted my decision. My life has been very difficult, but amazingly rich and rewarding. My Baby C, the one who rationally should have been reduced, is my biggest blessing. I am a better, more compassionate, more humane person because of him. Everyone has to make their own decision when faced with a high-order multiple pregnancy; I just wanted you to hear the joy that can come when everything goes wrong.
I would first like to say that I know it is your life and your body and your choice, but I would like to share my story with you.
ReplyDelete7 years ago after going through our 4th IVF cycle, my husband and I were faced with the same choice you have. When we went in for our first ultrasound we were informed that we were pregnant with triplets. The next words out of my dr's month were that she highly recommended a reduction. For my husband and I, it was never an option, we would put our babies lives in Gods hands.
Our triplets, 2 girls and a boy, were born at 28 weeks. They spent the first several weeks of their lives in the NICU but all came home happy, healthy and with zero long term health issues.
Today my little ones are inseparable. The bond they have is like no other I have ever seen and they truely love each other unconditionally. They are the best of friends and look out for each other at all times. It is truely an amazing thing to get to experience. I can not even begin to imagine what it would be like without one of them. Together they are complete.
I am not going to lie, it has been both financially and emotionally hard at times. We almost lost baby A, now named Aliya, at 6 weeks pregnant (her placenta was tearing), in the NICU at about 4 weeks old (intestinal infection) and again at 4 months old (whooping cough). She is such a strong willed little fighter, it amazes me. She has such a love for life and is the sweetest, funniest and most creatively talented little girl I know! She also just so happens to be the triplet that the Dr recommended we terminate!!
When I look into my babies eyes I thank God that we made the choice we did. I can not imagine my life without them and can't even bring myself to think I could have ended one of their lives(probably Aliyas) before I even gave them them a fighting chance... And boy did Aliya fight for her life... And WON!!
All I ask is that you think about the long term effect tour decision is going to have. Looking at your babies, knowing there is one (or 2) missing. It will be something that you have to live with forever. Triplets are very special... They truely are... The bond they share is like nothing else. I have 6 children, the triplets are my babies, and I am very thankful that I gave them a fighting chance in life! They complete our family.
I am a mom to triplets but will only be delivering and bringing home surviving twins. We lost baby C in utero in the early second trimester. SR wasn't for us but I respect what you're doing here in showing the other side. I don't think for a moment you or your husband have come to this decision lightly. Fact is there is no safe time in any pregnancy, singleton, multiple or HOM. You are making a choice to increase the odds of a good outcome. I'm not sure how anyone can really fault you for that. Good luck and you'll be in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog here and there and I feel so conflicted. I would never ever ever berate you for the VERY personal decisions only YOU can make. I just want you to know that there are people out there like me who may not make the same choices but we totally respect and support your decision to choose. It's your life, your baby, your body, your conscience.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine the hard situation you've been placed in - it is so tumultuous to have to make such a decision. I couldn't even imagine the pain and turmoil. Your heart must be pulled in a million different directions. I am so sorry.
I really respect you and may not understand why you chose what you did, but I would never berate you for it. I hope that the haters will grow up and realize that EVERY parent is different. Obviously this is a more extreme situation, but no parent should be bullied for their choices - parenting is SO hard and you need support not BS.
sending you a big virtual hug honey!