Results of Going Public

Most of my thoughts and responses have been mixed among the numerous comments to the last few posts, so I thought I'd lay them out here as well as some of the things I have done in response to the comments I have received.

1) I said in an earlier post that I would still have transferred 2 embryos.  I have completely changed that opinion.  There is so much data thrown at you during IVF that it kind of all blurs together.  I honestly only considered the chance of twins (i.e. both embryos taking).  I saw and heard very little about identicals except that they are very rare.  Now that I have identicals after IVF, I'm seeing that's it's much less rare, especially with twins (triplets are still extremely rare).  Although we never got a satisfactory diagnosis of our infertility, the main factor was most likely my husband's morphology.  Although I had borderline high numbers for ovarian reserve.  In that case, and because our embryos were high quality, I believe I should have been advised to only transfer one.  Really the reason I didn't is that I was totally comfortable with having twins.  I didn't think it was a huge deal.  Obviously it is.

2) I had already done a lot of the scientific side of the research.  But at the prompting of some commenters, I looked at additional personal stories.  Mainly I was looking for women who had gone through reduction and that is what I read.  Most talked about being extremely conflicted beforehand.  Some were really comfortable with their decision, for various reasons, after the fact.  Others, one in particular that I read, felt pushed into the procedure by doctors and regretted it the entire time.  I had already found and reached out to a few women in my position, but I'm glad I looked a bit further.

One woman said that in this situation, at some point, you have to think with your head, not with your heart.  This is most of the part that I have posted.  The emotions, anxiety, conversations with my husband and family...that has all happened behind the scenes.  Then I came here and described how I was feeling and how I came to my decision.  Yes, I'm straightforward in my writing.  No, that does not mean that I'm a heartless bitch. 

Some commenters have really twisted individual words I have said around, but the fact is that this has been a difficult pregnancy for me.  I don't feel invested or excited.  I believe most of that is protecting myself against the reduction.  I don't want to get attached because it will be harder than it already is.  I've said this many times, but I feel like I'm in limbo, just waiting for the rest of the pregnancy.  This also seems to be a common feeling in women who are pursuing reduction.

3) I've been not surprised or shocked, but saddened by how women can treat each other.  I am being personally attacked by people that do not know me.  I know that I chose to make this public, so I can't be and am not upset that people are reading about my story and that the word is spreading.  But I really don't see the point in attacking me.  I am making a decision that many people do not agree with.  But what does it solve to attack?  If I cry, will it make you feel better about what I'm doing?  Just about all of these women are moms.  Is this how you are going to teach your kids to treat other people?  Is it ok since it's something you believe is morally wrong?  I personally don't think so.  I will teach my child to respect all people, including the ones he/she does not agree with.

At the same time I want to thank the triplet moms who have shared their story without attacking, even when you still urge me to reconsider.  I read every single comment and I appreciate hearing your stories.

4) None of this has shaken my decision.  Once my husband and I looked at all of the information that we felt was important to our situation, we decided what to do.  Many comments have focused on the fact that you can have a successful pregnancy with triplets and you can raise triplets.  I understand that. Everything could be perfectly fine.  But after our struggle, we are not willing to take that chance.

This is from a CNN article:

"When a woman is carrying three or more fetuses, the medical argument in favor of selective reduction is clear. A 1999 study compared the outcomes of 143 cases of triplets reduced to twins with 12 sets of triplets and 812 sets of twins. A quarter of the women carrying triplets lost the entire pregnancy, versus 6.2 percent of those who reduced triplets to twins, which was in line with the miscarriage rates for the nonreduced twins.


Further, a quarter of the triplets were severely premature (and all had attendant complications), compared with 5 percent of the triplets reduced to twins."

Yes, there is a risk with reduction.  But statistically, it is smaller than the total risk of a triplet pregnancy.  This is fact.  I am happy there are so many successful stories out there.  But there are also many pregnancies that ended in total miscarriage.

This is the primary reason that we are choosing to reduce.  Along with this is the risk of medical conditions caused by premature birth.  And yes, we are also worried about raising 3 children, but that is definitely the last reason, not the first.  I know it's easy for readers who disagree with me to latch onto the last factor, but it's just not the whole story.  If this pregnancy was less risky, it would be a much harder decision.

5) I almost decided to share some of the nastiest comments here.  I've been trying to hold my anger back, but when a group of women choose to talk shit about me, it makes me mad.  I'm only human.  But after smartly waiting a few days before posting, I'm less angry and I don't see a point in posting them.


6) I want to thank my husband for being the best partner I could ever ask for.  This entire infertility journey has really held us together.  When I have a tough day, he finds a way to make it better.  There is no way I could do any of this without him.

*     *     *     *     *

Some people have shared there story completely publicly.  And this experience has really made me want to reach out to them and say thank you.  Because it sucks to deal with the effects of making controversial decisions public, but if you reach even one person in a positive way, I think it's worth it.