Wednesday, October 31, 2012

PDA Ligation w/ Update

Dylan is having surgery this afternoon to close his PDA. It's supposed to be relatively simple, but it's still surgery.

I know all of the risks but also have faith thy it'll be fine. The surgeon is really good and I am confident that he will do a good job.

Please keep Dylan in your thoughts. I will update when things are calm, but please do not take a few days silence to mean that anything is wrong.


Everything went really well.  Hopefully now he'll be able to get off the vent soon.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Single Embryo Transfer

When I've seen this written out, it's always been "Elective Single Embryo Transfer," but why?  In Australia, transferring one is typically recommended (*edited - thanks for the info Aussies!).  But in the United States, transferring two embryos in the norm.  Is it to keep SART statistics up?

Before I explain why I wish I had only transferred one embryo, I want to acknowledge that there are definitely situations where transferring two or even three embryos is the right decision.  If there is a definite egg quality issue or advanced maternal age or history of failed IVF cycles, two or three might be the correct course.

But for me, I don't think it was the right choice.

When you go through IVF you get warned about all potential problems.  Increased risk of birth defecst and other problems too numerous to list right now.  Also increased risk of twins and higher order multiples.  But everything is given a percentage.  With the exception of twins with a 30% chance, everything is given miniscule odds.  Because there are so many possible things that can happen and because many of these things can happen in a typical pregnancy also, we, and I bet many other people, just glossed right over them. "Sure, sure, we accept the risks."

Now for our situation.  We definitely had a morphology issue (4%), but it was unclear whether we had issues on my side or not.  I spotted consistently for 2-3 days before my period and had a rather short luteal phase, but the RE did not seem overly concerned about this and only proscribed Progesterone for our IVF cycle, not the Clomid cycles (who knows if this was a good decision or not).  I also had borderline numbers for some egg quality markers, but my antral follicle scan showed 16 I think?  A pretty good number.  It looks as though all of the markers of egg quality (or ovarian reserve) are pretty poor, especially when your numbers are right on the edge of normal.  I had also had one chemical pregnancy (out of about 15 natural cycles) which shows that we could get pregnant.  Again, who knows what caused it not to work.

My husband and I were fully prepared to have twins.  We did a little bit of research about the risks and knew it was a very high probability and we accepted it.  We never ever considered the chance of higher order multiples for a couples of reasons.  One, the biggest chance was associated with Injectibles + IUI cycles because there is less control of how many embryos are released at ovulation (that what gave Kate + 8 her sextuplets).  Then looking at the numbers, the risk was extremely low with transferring 2 embryos.

But after finding out that one of our embryos split into identical triplets, I started doing more research and although identical triplets are still extremely rare, identical twinning with IVF seemed to be somewhat more common.  I started to wonder why more data has not been collected and why this issue wasn't discussed with us carefully beforehand.  We honestly did not really realize it was a possibility.

I really loved my RE.  And I trusted him.  And still do.  But at some point when this is less fresh, I'm definitely going to discuss this with him.  Even if it still is as rare as they say, I'm still going to encourage him to counsel couples about the possibility.

Because all that would have changed if we had transferred one egg, is time.  It might have taken longer for IVF to work.  (We did a plan that was called a "success guarantee."  If we used all of our eggs from one fresh cycle either in the fresh IVF or FET and did not have a take home baby, we would get all of our money back.)  But that guarantee stipulated transferring 2 embryos.  I think he would have negotiated on this point, but still.

After all of what we've been through, time is the least of our concerns.  It seemed that we were trying to have a child FOREVER and that Mr. GG was getting older quickly (he's 43),but  if we could have delayed this process for a few months and had a simpler pregnancy, we would have done it in a heartbeat.

I encourage you to talk to your doctor carefully about how many embryos to transfer.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Dylan's Birth Story

At 23 weeks and a day, Friday September 21st, I drove about 20 minutes from my house to meet my BFF (also pregnant) for dinner.  I had been feel bad all week and even went in the day before to do a urinalysis to see if I had a UTI.  But on Friday, I felt so much better.

I went to the bathroom before going to the hostess stand and found that I was bleeding, bright red, kind of a lot.  I had the worst sinking feeling in my stomach and started to freak out.  I first called the hospital...they agreed that I should come in.  Then, I flagged down my friend as she approached the restaurant...crying.

While she was driving me to the hospital, I started to feel contraction, not painful, just lower abdominal tightening.  At this point I seriously thought that I had miscarried.

I had no idea where to go when I got to the hospital.  The signs to Labor & Delivery are not very clear.  So I wandered around while bleeding and crying until another pregnant lady took pity on me and found a nurse who took me to Triage.

When the doctor did an ultrasound, we immediate heard a heartbeat and saw movement.  At that point I felt like everything was fine and that I'd be able to go home.

*     *     *     *     *

The next 2 weeks and 2 days were a mix of bleeding, contractions, really intense contractions, baby monitoring, blood draws, IVs, pretty decent hospital food (lucky!), family and friend visits, Game of Thrones (read Book 3, watched season 1), Magnesium, Terbutaline, Antibiotics, Steriod Shots, constant beeping, and lots of nurses, doctors, and a social worker.

*     *     *     *     *

On October 4 or 5 (25 weeks), my water broke.  I wasn't doing anything.  I had just gone to the bathroom and I was sitting or laying in bed.  I felt a little gush, not a lot, and then more a little later.  It was determined that I probably had a "high leak" since my water never fully emptied.

After confirming the water break as best as possible, the doctor discontinued the Magnesium at 2pm on Saturday, October 6th due to the risk of infection (or maybe it was 10am).  By 6:00pm, I was asking for something for the pain.  My contractions were at an 8 out of 10 for me.  They gave me morphine twice.  We were still hoping at this point that I would not go into labor.

By midnight, the pain was still extremely intense and they didn't want to continue morphine if I was indeed going into labor so they checked my cervix to see if I was dilated so that I could get an epidural.  I was 3cm and the epidural was in by 12:45am.

My mom was already staying with me so we called Mr. GG to tell him he better come too.  It was really cute watching my mom and my husband in sleep chairs next to each other. : )

(A note about contractions:  Over the two weeks, I never stopped contracting, even on Magnesium.  My contractions ranged from 3 an hour to about 11 - you're supposed to go in if you have over 6 in an hour.  Most of the contraction I could feel, but they weren't painful.  I just felt tightening either at the top or the bottom of my uterus, sometimes the entire thing.  The weekend before labor, the contractions were extremely painful - to the point that I would have to breathe through them.  They were one level below crying.  This is how the labor contraction felt too (until the wonderful epidural).)

So anyway, I slept great all night.  In the morning my sister showed up and because we thought it would be a long time, my mom and sister went to take my dog to my sister's house and get breakfast (which I wasn't allowed to eat.  They starved me off and on during the last couple of days.)  Sometime after 8:00, probably 8:45, they decided to check me.  Lo and behold, I was 8cm!  I didn't need to be fully dilated to deliver my little guy, so this was a big deal.  Within the next 5 minutes, I felt the baby drop - it was like a "whoosh" and I felt the pressure they always talk about.

It was time.  Doctors were already in the room and they had me start pushing.  They weren't able to keep his heart rate on the monitor, so they clipped something to his scalp instead.  They still couldn't get a good rate (to see whether or not he was in distress and needed a C-section), so they decided to move me to the OR just in case.

Pushing was different than I thought it would be.  It was difficult to push in the right spot.  During each contraction I probably pushed about 4 times.  He was crowing after the second push.  He was out by the 3rd or 4th.  I could feel a lot, even with the epidural.  It was not comfortable in the slightest, but I could handle it.  I also had a ton of pain in my hip even before the epidural.  I guess it didn't get to everywhere it should, but I didn't know that it was wrong until he came out.  The second he came out, all of the pain vanished.  It was an amazing relief.

I don't really remember exactly what happened right after.  I know the NICU team was working on Dylan. I could hear him cry and make little sounds while they worked on him.  I found out later that Dad got to cut his cord.  They also brought him over to me before taking him to the NICU and I got to touch his face.  (He was that stable which was awesome.

Then I had to deliver the placenta.  The doctor pushed on my abdomen hard while having me try to push the placenta out.  We tried for awhile, but it would not budge so she had to do a D&C to get it out.  The anesthesiologist gave me a C-section dose of meds in my epidural and I slept like a baby during the procedure which took about 30 minutes.  I was awake and back in my room shortly after.

*     *     *     *     *

The weirdest thing about the recovery is that I was freezing and shaking for about an hour afterwards.  I had at least 3 blankets on me, but I was still violently shaking.  I felt fine though.  For my first meal, I had my mom go and get Einstein's (bagels).  It was amazing.

Dad went with Dylan to the NICU, but I wasn't allowed to go until I could walk.  Feeling came back pretty quickly and I was moved over to the post-partum side.  We had some guests both before and during the move so we didn't get to go to the NICU until around 2:00 I think.  If I had my way, I would have not allowed any visitors until the next day (except my immediate family).  It was too much.

*     *     *     *     *

Although I was prepared for a C-section, I felt really lucky to be able to have a vaginal delivery.  It made recovery and the ability to see Dylan much easier which was helpful.

I never got to the point where I was even thinking about birth.  Even while I was in the hospital I didn't consider it since I was working on keeping the baby inside.  One thing I know from my experience and others is that it rarely goes how you want it to.  It's really only the end that matters...

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

"You're doing so well!"

No I'm not.

I'm just not going to cry in front you and tell you how I really feel.

And do you really want to know anyway?  I know you care, but it'll just get really awkward really fast if I tell you that I cry randomly throughout the day with no apparent trigger.  Or that I also cry when anything changes at all.  I'm tell me you're coming at 4:00 and then change it to 3:45 kind of changes.

And ask me to think hard about something?  Impossible.  Sometimes I forget why I got up from the couch.

I have no real desire to talk to anyone (besides my husband and my doctors).  I have no desire to go anywhere socially.  I just want to sleep.  And to have Dylan have a good calm day.

Pump.  Clean.  Pump.  Maybe eat.  Maybe shower. Pump.  Drive to hospital.  Pump.  Repeat.

Sunday, October 21, 2012


The last time we met, IComLeavWe, way back in May, I was newly pregnant and had no idea how difficult the next four months would be.

Here's an excerpt from my last ICLW post:  (I sound kind of excited, don't I?)

"I signed up for this month's ICLW right at the end of last month's close and SO MUCH has happened since then!

My first IVF was a success (so far) and I am 5 weeks 4 days pregnant.  I'm feeling tired, my boobs are sore, and I'm having some other random symptoms, but they come and go in frequency and intensity so often that I often doubt that I'm really pregnant.  Although I really have no good reason to believe I'm not.

My husband and I have were TTC for 20 months, since the middle of our Costa Rican honeymoon.  We had a chemical pregnancy last September in month 14 which spurred us to go to see an RE.

I started acupuncture in January, and have done 3 unsuccessful Clomid IUI cycles since then.  We started our first IVF with an antagonist protocol in April, had our retrieval April 26th and our transfer of 2 embryos 5 days later. 

Our first ultrasound is in 8 days and I can barely handle the wait!  I'm sure my husband thinks I'm completely crazy by now, but I guess that's part of this pregnant after infertility adventure!"

That's a pretty accurate summary of our story up until that point.

I have shared basically EVERYTHING that has happened since then which has caused my blog to get a lot more attention.  Much of it positive, but some extremely negative.  I'm not going to rehash old issues, but here is a summary of the past four months:

At our 1st ultrasound, we found out that we were pregnant with Quads after transferring 2 embryos (1 split into triplets, the other was a singleton). One of the triplets didn't progress past Week 7, so we were then pregnant with Triplets (1 set of identical twins, 1 singleton).  We decide to reduce the pregnancy to a singleton based on the risks of a triplet pregnancy and my individual risk factors.

I had only a couple of weeks that I felt "good" the entire pregnancy.

At 23 weeks I started bleeding and contracting and was admitted to the hospital.  I stayed there on Magnesium and bed rest to lessen the contractions for two weeks before my water broke.  I had contractions, sometimes extremely painful, the entire time.  After my water broke, they stopped trying to prevent labor in case of infection and I went into labor and had my son less than 24 hours later. (There was no determined cause for the bleeding or contractions.)

My son Dylan was born at 25 weeks and 3 days on October 7, 2012 - 2 weeks ago.  He's doing pretty well in the NICU and will be there quite some time.

Now I'm pumping 8 times a day, visiting Dylan twice a day, and trying to stay sane.

*     *     *     *     *
Here are a few topics that I know I want to write about during ICLW:
  • Single Embryo Transfer.  This is the one thing that we would have changed.
  • Postpartum Emotions after having a Micropreemie
  • Dylan's Birth Story
  • Pumping
I have another site devoted to Dylan's progress.  If you'd like the link, you can email me.  I don't want to link it to this site.


Thursday, October 11, 2012


I think that all mom's of preemies should get a care package of nursing supplies.  It's really hard to be thrown into exclusive pumping without any knowledge whatsoever of breast feeding.  I didn't get to the point of taking classes.  I know a bit because my sister has a newborn, but not enough.

One thing I got immediately was a hands-free pumping bra.  This should come with the bottle kit!  Trying to hold the pumps the entire time is extremely frustrating.  If you move wrong, the milk drips out and you've lost the "liquid gold" as the doctors call it.

My hospital is extremely pro-breast feeding, so as soon as I was moved to my postpartum room, my nurse was teaching me how the use the pump that was already at my bedside.  She even squeezed my breasts to see if anything came out (weird) and I already was producing colostrum a few hours after baby's birth!

At first, I was almost embarrassed to take the few drops I was producing to the NICU to be frozen, but the nurses kept reminding me that it's "liquid gold" and that he'll get so little right at the beginning that the bottles with a few drops will be perfect.

But then on Tuesday night (2 days after birth) I produced 1 ounce of milk in a sitting!  I was really excited.  So it looks like my milk is coming in really well and I'm being extremely dedicated to make sure that I produce as much as I possibly can.

It will probably be a few more days or a week or so until they start introducing food to the baby (straight into his stomach).  At first, the point is not nutrition, it's to start colonizing his intestines with the helpful bacteria that my milk has in it.  They'll see how he does and slowly introduce more and more.  He won't be able to try a bottle until he's around 32 weeks, so that's another month plus of gavage feeding.

Pumping is not fun.  I'm doing it about every 3 hours from start to start.  It takes about a half an hour.  Then there's tons and tons of cleaning of supplies.  It seems like as soon as I'm done and thinking about what to do next, it's time to pump again.'s the one thing I can really do to help my son and in that way, it really helps me feel like I am a part of his care.

*     *     *     *     *

More Updates:
  • Head Ultrasound today showed that the brain bleed has not changed which is really great news.  Hopefully it will clear itself up.   Issues to watch for will be clots or increased bleeding.
  • Bilirubin levels have gone down which means baby is no longer at high risk for jaundice, so his lamp was turned off, his little sunglasses came off (and I got to take them home) and he's in a nice dark, calm environment.
  • It's really common in baby's this young for a valve between the lungs and heart to be open.  When the baby is in the womb, mom's blood has oxygen already in it, it skips the lungs and goes directly to the heart (through this little artery) - like a short cut.  All babies have this shortcut, but it usually closes when the baby is first exposed to oxygen right after delivery.  His is not closed and he's showing a few symptoms, but not the major ones.  They are deciding today or tomorrow whether to treat him or not, but it looks like they will.  The risk is that the drug constricts all arteries and can cause an intestinal perforation which would have to be fixed with surgery.  Additionally, if the drug does not close the artery, a small clamp would have to be placed, also with surgery.  Hopefully one of the simpler solutions will work.
  • I changed baby's diaper today!  He's had the same nurse for the last 3 days and she is fantastic.  She gave me some mementos to take home to make a scrapbook for him; his sunglasses, a tiny little (clean) diaper, and a heart shaped monitor sticker.  She also showed me how to change his diaper which was really cool.  It's the first thing I've been able to really "do" to take care of him.
*     *     *     *     *

A note about comments...  

As you may have noticed, I've been posting more negative comments.  One reason is that although they bother me less and less as time goes on, I want to let everyone help me deal with them rather than just dealing on my own.  I'm still partially surprised, partially not at the "meanness" of some people, but that's the world...  I've also had a few comments that I still haven't published, just because they totally twist my words around.  Like saying that a nap is the most important thing to me.  That's not what I said.  I would still have preferred to be in the hospital if he was still inside of me, but once he was born, I desperately needed to get my strength back.  If I get sick, I can't see my son.  

I also realize that my blog has only the slightest shred of anonymity.  Many people know my true identity.  There were reasons that I didn't want to share every decision with "the public" but I'm kind of over it.  I would not have changed one decision except that I would have only transferred one embryo.  I'll probably post more about that later.  I've shared my infertility and pregnancy roller-coaster pretty freely in my real life and have only received support.  I know there are people out there that would not support me, but there are enough who do and would that if a broader audience finds out, so be it.  With that...I'll post his name and a picture later this week.

Last word.  This blog has meant so much to me over the past year.  I don't think I could have dealt with some of things that have come my way without getting my thoughts out on here and receiving support from the infertility community (and beyond).  Thank you.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I'm free!

Although I wish we could have made it longer in utero, now that baby is born, I'm so thrilled to be free of the walls of the hospital!!

I haven't been outside since September 21st!

It's going to be slightly harder to go see baby since I can't drive for a couple of weeks, but luckily, I have an extremely supportive family included a retired mom who will make sure I get to see him as often as possible.

But now if I want to take a nap (I'm exhausted), no one can walk in and interrupt me.  It's weird that even though I don't have baby with me, I'm still pumping every 3 hours including at night so it still affects my sleep.  I tried to nap in the hospital but it was impossible.

Now I'm on my own couch, with fresh air coming in through the open windows.

And then I'll go to the hospital with Mr. GG after dinner just like we do every other night.  Ideally we would go before and after dinner...we'll have to work out a routine.  Then I plan to go every morning also.

*     *     *     *     *

Baby can breathe on his own which is great, but because of his age, he has apnea.  He either forgets to breathe or gets too tired to keep breathing.  So he's on a ventilator to make sure that he breathes, but he is breathing regular air - the same as the rest of us.

Baby has a Level 2 (out of 4) brain bleed.  This is extremely common and level 2 is not extremely worrisome.  They will recheck on Thursday and we hope it has not progressed.

He had a blood transfusion today which is also going to be pretty common.  Babies of his size have so little blood in their bodies and he can't keep up.

Otherwise, he's looking really good. His little fingers can squeeze my hand.  Sometimes he squeezes a tube between his toes (he got his dad's toes...looong toes) : ).  He also has his dad's ears and a full head of hair.

I feel happy when I see him, not sad because I think he's strong and can fight.  But I do get sad frequently when I'm by myself.  I'm sure some of it is hormones.  It's hard leaving a hospital without your baby.  But overall, I'm doing well, thanks in large part to the support of all of you (well 99% of you).

Just keep thinking those positive thoughts that baby will continue to thrive!

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Baby GG was born today at 25 weeks, 3 days

If you've been following my hospitalization, thank you so much for your support. It has really meant a lot to us!
Yesterday my doc decided that my water did in fact break (which I basically knew since the day before) so we had to discontinue meds to stop contractions in case I developed an infection and my body tried to make me deliver.
I went off of meds around 2 pm yesterday. At 6 or 7 I started needed pain meds. At 12:45 am I was 3 cm dilated and got an epidural. I had a nice calm sleep and then when they checked me in the morning at around 8 am, I was 8 cm dilated! (And pretty shocked.)
Baby did fine the whole time so I was able to try for a vaginal delivery.
At maybe 8:45 or 9, I felt the pressure all of a sudden, almost like a "pop." We started pushing almost immediately. They decided to have me labor in the OR since they were having trouble monitoring baby's heart rate and wanted to be close for C-Section. In the OR I pushed about 3-4 separate times and he was out!
We heard a little cry and then some baby murmuring sounds while they were taking care of him. I got to see him and touch him real quick before they took him to the NICU.
I had to have a D&C for my placenta, but they gave me a C-section dose in my epidural so I slept through it.
Baby is almost 2 pounds which is great for 25 weeks, 3 days. He was able to breath on his own, but wasn't consistent, so he was put on a ventilate, but it's great that his lungs are working normally. I got to see him later in the afternoon. I'm already pumping! Things are crazy.
It's going to be a day to day process, but so far so good. We are relieved and anxious all at the same time. (And I get to walk! Which is quite nice after 18 days of bed rest.)

Friday, October 5, 2012

My Water Broke...(Hospital Update - 25 weeks)

I've been starting posts over the last few days, but they just haven't been quite right and then I've been interrupted.  But I'm sure you're wondering how baby and I are doing!

We hit 25 weeks (in utero) which is a really huge milestone.  Much bigger than 24 in the NICU world.  His overall viability increased to 80%.

Starting Saturday night, my contractions got painful and they stayed that way up until yesterday.  They increased my Mag and gave me a bunch of Terbutaline shots, but nothing made them hurt less and nothing spaced them out further than 5 an hour.  I also found out that my cervix has continued to shorten from 3 cm when I came in, to about 1 a couple of a days ago.  I'm 1 cm dilated.

On Tuesday night, I was moved back from ante-partum to Labor and Delivery.  I was actually really pissed because it happened right after the nurse's shift change and I think she was just feeling "busy," not that I was changing.  So they moved me to a dungeon of a room (no windows) and tried to put me on a bed pan.  I almost had a panic attack thinking of the bed pan and almost refused altogether.  BUT...I follow authority and I tried it.  When I really couldn't do it (and it was really uncomfortable and probably increased my contractions), they let me use a bedside commode (like a portable toilet).

I expressed my frustration (mostly through tears) with every aspect of that evening and in the morning got bathroom privileges back and I got moved to a room with a window.  Yay.

You have no idea how much the small things, like a window, add when you are in the hospital for weeks at a time.  I also have a big wall calendar that visitors sign and we mark down the days and the milestones.  A little rolly-cart with random stuff and lots of plants and snacks and magazines from friends and family. When they make you move, they give you about a 10 minute notice.  Luckily, Mr. GG was there at the time to pack up all of my stuff in a way that I wouldn't freak out about.

*     *     *     *     *

But you probably want to hear how I am now.  Well...we got the contractions under control yesterday and I am SO much more comfortable.  But then, my friggin water broke.  I just went to the bathroom, came back, and felt more liquid than normal, that's it.  The doc confirmed 70% that it was my water, although I still have some left (it was probably a high leak).

So most people deliver within 48 hours of their water breaking.  But some can make it for quite awhile, most commonly, about 2 weeks.  The big risk factor now is infection, so I'm on new antibiotics.

I'm also still bleeding.  It seems like a lot to me, but the doctor is not extremely concerned at this point (until it becomes more).

So we sit tight until 1) I bleed too much and need baby out 2) baby's heart-rate drops 3) I show signs of infection (elevated temp, tender belly).

We had another consult with NICU to understand what things will look like after birth and although it was mostly information I expected or knew, the doc was super calm and comforting and just seemed like an awesome guy to have around my the preemies.  They also said that they already have a bed made up for Baby GG...and that hopefully it stays empty for awhile longer.  (Sidenote: a brand-spanking new NICU with private rooms that we can stay in with the baby is opening at the end of the month.)

*     *     *     *     *

Anyway...we've had a rough few days, but oddly enough, my water breaking was not the bad part.  I feel like baby could come very soon, but I'm definitely hanging on and being thankful for every day he stays put.

Monday, October 1, 2012

This is Getting Old

At some point last week I kind of felt like a fake - like everyone else in the hospital was there for a legitimate reason and that I wasn't really.  I've done this to myself before, thinking my issue is less significant or whatever, but the bottom line is.  THEY admitted me and never said that I could go.

Unfortunately - I don't feel like a fraud anymore.  Many of my nurses have told me to "stay boring."  Well the last couple of days have been far from boring.

This will recap the last post a touch, but whatever...

Two days ago (while Mr. GG was here - things always seem to happen when he's here), the contractions started to hurt.  Throughout the week I was rating them 0-2 on the pain scale.  I could feel them and they felt weird and tight, but they didn't hurt.  The contractions on Sat night were coming every 5 minutes and were a 5 or 6 on the scale.  That's when they gave me my first Terb shot as well as a 1mg bolus of Mag.  And it worked...until the next morning when the contractions started picking up again - still moderately painful.  So they did the Mag and Terb again.

The third Terb was in the evening I think.  It worked magically for an hour, then I started having contractions again.  "We" decided just to watch them and stop shooting me up with drugs.  So overnight, they increased to about a 7 but did not increase in frequency (3-4 an hour I think but maybe it was more).  I kept telling the nurse that these were more painful, but the odd thing is that the monitor has been having trouble picking up these more painful contractions.  They are lower, like really bad menstrual cramps, and spread out through my upper legs.  So she didn't want to call the doc until she saw a pattern.  Frustrating.  I basically didn't sleep from 12 to 4 am.  Well...I kind of did in a weird dream-like state of pain.  I'd wake up and try to remember to tell her that I just had one, then I'd wonder - "Did I just have one? I'm pretty sure I did.  Why else would I have paged her?"  I'm losing my mind a bit.  They ended up giving me a 4th shot at 4 am.

I was also dreaming of epidurals.  I think that is about the amount of pain where I would start asking for one.  But girls who are trying not to deliver babies don't get epidurals.  They get to suck it up.  Fun.

Today they measured my cervix again and it's a bit shorter (2.1-2.4) but still not in any kind of danger zone.  They don't think I have an infection and don't think I have a placental abruption (based on temps and blood work).  So there is no harm to baby or myself right now (besides my sanity which I can deal with).   So whenever these contractions start, we'll just try to stop them.  Until we can't.  Or I'm distressed or baby is distressed.

I definitely know I need to be here, that's not really a question.  I'm not feeling like I'm missing things out in the real world yet.  I think that'll be ok until the holidays.  But I am starting to get jealous of the regular pregnant people.  Starting?  Who am I kidding, I've been jealous for years now...I'm used to that too.  Wearing your cute maternity clothes.  Having your beautiful baby showers.  Driving.  Working.  Shopping.  (It's ok though pregnant blogger friends.  I am still happily following along.  I take most of my animosity out secretly on strangers or random uber-fertile FB friends.)

I just want to know that in the end, my baby will be ok.  Then everything is worth it. I do believe that is true, but I want a cosmic guarantee.