This is Getting Old

At some point last week I kind of felt like a fake - like everyone else in the hospital was there for a legitimate reason and that I wasn't really.  I've done this to myself before, thinking my issue is less significant or whatever, but the bottom line is.  THEY admitted me and never said that I could go.

Unfortunately - I don't feel like a fraud anymore.  Many of my nurses have told me to "stay boring."  Well the last couple of days have been far from boring.

This will recap the last post a touch, but whatever...

Two days ago (while Mr. GG was here - things always seem to happen when he's here), the contractions started to hurt.  Throughout the week I was rating them 0-2 on the pain scale.  I could feel them and they felt weird and tight, but they didn't hurt.  The contractions on Sat night were coming every 5 minutes and were a 5 or 6 on the scale.  That's when they gave me my first Terb shot as well as a 1mg bolus of Mag.  And it worked...until the next morning when the contractions started picking up again - still moderately painful.  So they did the Mag and Terb again.

The third Terb was in the evening I think.  It worked magically for an hour, then I started having contractions again.  "We" decided just to watch them and stop shooting me up with drugs.  So overnight, they increased to about a 7 but did not increase in frequency (3-4 an hour I think but maybe it was more).  I kept telling the nurse that these were more painful, but the odd thing is that the monitor has been having trouble picking up these more painful contractions.  They are lower, like really bad menstrual cramps, and spread out through my upper legs.  So she didn't want to call the doc until she saw a pattern.  Frustrating.  I basically didn't sleep from 12 to 4 am.  Well...I kind of did in a weird dream-like state of pain.  I'd wake up and try to remember to tell her that I just had one, then I'd wonder - "Did I just have one? I'm pretty sure I did.  Why else would I have paged her?"  I'm losing my mind a bit.  They ended up giving me a 4th shot at 4 am.

I was also dreaming of epidurals.  I think that is about the amount of pain where I would start asking for one.  But girls who are trying not to deliver babies don't get epidurals.  They get to suck it up.  Fun.

Today they measured my cervix again and it's a bit shorter (2.1-2.4) but still not in any kind of danger zone.  They don't think I have an infection and don't think I have a placental abruption (based on temps and blood work).  So there is no harm to baby or myself right now (besides my sanity which I can deal with).   So whenever these contractions start, we'll just try to stop them.  Until we can't.  Or I'm distressed or baby is distressed.

I definitely know I need to be here, that's not really a question.  I'm not feeling like I'm missing things out in the real world yet.  I think that'll be ok until the holidays.  But I am starting to get jealous of the regular pregnant people.  Starting?  Who am I kidding, I've been jealous for years now...I'm used to that too.  Wearing your cute maternity clothes.  Having your beautiful baby showers.  Driving.  Working.  Shopping.  (It's ok though pregnant blogger friends.  I am still happily following along.  I take most of my animosity out secretly on strangers or random uber-fertile FB friends.)

I just want to know that in the end, my baby will be ok.  Then everything is worth it. I do believe that is true, but I want a cosmic guarantee.