Tuesday, October 23, 2012

"You're doing so well!"

No I'm not.

I'm just not going to cry in front you and tell you how I really feel.

And do you really want to know anyway?  I know you care, but it'll just get really awkward really fast if I tell you that I cry randomly throughout the day with no apparent trigger.  Or that I also cry when anything changes at all.  I'm talking...you tell me you're coming at 4:00 and then change it to 3:45 kind of changes.

And ask me to think hard about something?  Impossible.  Sometimes I forget why I got up from the couch.

I have no real desire to talk to anyone (besides my husband and my doctors).  I have no desire to go anywhere socially.  I just want to sleep.  And to have Dylan have a good calm day.

Pump.  Clean.  Pump.  Maybe eat.  Maybe shower. Pump.  Drive to hospital.  Pump.  Repeat.




23 comments:

  1. I remember those days. It's exhilarating to be with your baby. It's heartbreaking to leave him. No you're not okay. You're simply doing what needs to be done, there's nothing else you can do. It sucks. It's hard. It's exhausting.

    Many hugs to you.

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  2. You're getting through. That's all you can do! x

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  3. I can't even imagine how difficult it is right now. Sending you support as you go through this.

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  4. No normal. It's ok. I was like this and I didn't have to go through half of what you have. It's ok to cry. X

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  5. No, I cannot even imagine what you are going through. PLease know that you have people out there who are pulling for you. My heart goes out to you right now.

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  6. You've been through so much these last few weeks, it's understandable that you're feeling badly. Just focus on what you and Dylan need to get through each day, which it sounds like you're doing ... and keep hanging in there. We're here to give more support if you need it.

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  7. Not having been through what you are going through, it still sounds perfectly normal to me. You have been through a hard pregnancy and now have a baby in the NICU. Your energy is spent on healing and tending to your new son. Don't feel bad about it.

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  8. Even without everything you're going through, the hormones will make you cry at random times without knowing why. Sometimes there is deep, permeating melancholy, and you don't even know why. And even without the stress of a seriously preemie baby and all those complications, that is totally normal. Eventually it will get better. Just keep doing what needs to be done, day in day out. Just keep thinking of every day as one step closer to feeling better.

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  9. I know exactly how you feel. How about making decisions? My ability to choose anything even what type of sandwich I want is completely out the window. They say this is normal as we adjust to the rollercoaster that is the NICU. Postpartum hormones certainly do not help this on any level. It's so hard. Beyond words it's hard. Please know you're not alone. *hugest hugs*

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  10. Hugs, hugs, hugs. You're doing great.

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  11. I've been there. Pumping is awful and yet it's the one way to feel like you're mothering a child you don't get to have home with you yet. I wish Dylan the calmest of days and you the most restful of sleep. You both deserve that and so much more.

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  12. Your son is a micro preemie, with untold medical challenges in his future. You miscarried one of your triples. You terminated the other two. One of those alone would be enough to send someone over the edge. All three in one pregnancy - I think most people would've been shocked if you'd managed to be "doing well". Have you considered talking to a counselor? It could be PPD, or delayed grief over the terminated triplets.

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  13. You are going through so much. I am having positive thoughts for both you and baby Dylan. Honestly, I was shocked by some of the comments to your previous posts, but know that there is loving care & support out there for you. Hang in there! Much love from a new friend from ICLW

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  14. Hello from ICLW! What a story you have. Sending you lots and lots of thoughts and lots of prayers for your little boy. Wishing you the best.

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  15. Of course you're not always doing well, but you're getting up every day and you're doing all the things you need to be doing and that is huge. It's just fine that you might cry "randomly" and it's fine that you don't want to go anywhere or talk to anyone. You've been through a lot and now is the time to take care of yourself and your family, and don't forget to let other people help too. Thinking of you...

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  16. For being able to admit that you're not OK, even just here on the web, you are so strong. Thank you for sharing all that you have. <3

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  17. You are strong. Remember... you are strong!

    An ICLW Visit from #2
    liddy @ the unfair struggle (mfi, speedskating, life)

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  18. HUGS. If you do find yourself wanting to vent someday - we are here for you!

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  19. Boy, your post brought back a lot of memories. I remember thinking I was out of my mind several times each day. I delivered in Boston in 2007 right when the Red Sox won the World Series and the hospital was right near Fenway Park. A few days after my delivery, a friend's baby died from NEC while being transferred to Children's, and he had been bedded in between ours. I felt somehow responsible because then our guys were moved next to each other, and I felt guilty because I still had my babies. Then there was the time 1 week after the c-section that I told off at the nurse after she got on my case for using a laptop (without wireless) in the NICU and there were signs for no cell phones or pagers but no laptops. That earned me a "needy mother" label. The drive to the hospital was about 1-1.5 hours each way depending on traffic, and I was driving and walking all over within a week of the c-section. I slept on the couch and it felt like I pumped my brains out. And I felt like no one understood. I think I actually had postpartum depression looking back, and it might have helped to talk to someone, but I didn't want to admit that I was "depressed." I would definitely go back and change that if I could. I needed to admit that I wasn't fine, but I felt such an imperative to hold it all together and soldier through. Big mistake. I think I would have felt a lot healthier a lot faster if I had just had the courage to admit that I needed some help. That's what makes you strong! Definitely be kind to yourself, and remind yourself that housework and that stuff can always wait. Showers are nice though :D Keeping you all in our thoughts...

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  20. No matter what you think, that is doing well. You are getting through each day and that is what you need to do. Sending you hugs.

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  21. More hugs coming your way. *hugs*

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