Merry-go-Round Healing Salon

After reading this post by Mel about having different bloggers host discussions to help "heal" the community, I decided to volunteer.

Like (In)fertililty Unexplained, I am not majorly emotionally invested in the PAIL debate.  I am a very interested bystander, well not bystander because I've commented, but as a newer blogger (6 months), I have only recently learned the extent of this community and opened myself up further to participate in it.  I understand and empathize with both sides.  But I am also disturbed by mean comments, wherever they occur.

I'm a mediator.  As a teacher, it's a part of my every day job, and I think I'm pretty good at it.  I guess we'll soon see whether or not this translates into the blogosphere.

I see a few major issues that should be discussed.

1) What can we, should we, should we not say on the internet?

For example: This is my blog and I can say whatever I want.  But do I?  No.  For a variety of reasons.  I'd like to hear your take.

A side note:  There is some civility severely lacking in the world right now.  Trust me; I teach high school.  Is this the issue? Or part of it?

2) Part of me thinks that bloggers (i.e. the pregnant ones) not thinking that they can openly blog about their pregnancy is kind of a non-issue.  Some people will stop following you just like in real life, some people will stop calling you to hang out for awhile.  Because they have complicated feelings and/or are in a different place.  Not everyone can stay BFFs in every situation.

But at the same time, I totally understand the need for support and community once you get pregnant after infertility.  It's a big deal, fraught with all kind of extra fears and concerns that some women do not understand (i.e. the fertile pregnant ones).  I also understand that you do not want to make the still unsuccessful infertiles feel bad.  I've seen some extreme (I guess "bitching" would put it mildly) by some infertiles in the forums I frequent re: all kinds of issues, including posts by pregnant women.

So what's the answer?  What needs to be said to let the support continue?  Because I truly believe that almost everyone in this community wants to be happy and supportive.

So please comment.  But please be civil.  I am a huge advocate of a rational discussion.  And I am so curious to see how this will work on the internet.  And I hope to be pleasantly surprised.  It seems that the members of this community really are a kind, educated (if somewhat hormonal) bunch : ). 

Please think about how to get your message across, but at the same time, how your words will sound to all of the different people who will read them.

Thank you.
-Mrs. GG.

My Take on PAIL

I told Mr. GG on Monday night that there was drama in the IF internet community.  He doesn't quite get it, but it's totally weird to be involved in a world outside of typical human contact.  I'm still a newbie in blog-land.  I also do not like drama or confrontation, but I do like to speak my mind (to try to rationalize and calm debate rather than incite it) so I have read all of Mel's posts and most of the comments and have made comments myself.  I think it was brave of Mel to post about how she was feeling, but also that she had to do it.  And I know that some comments were mean, but I also saw many that were helpful, rational, and supportive to the whole community.

I think it's an important issue that deserves some attention and time.

So here's the take of a 20 month infertile on her way to IVF.

* * * * *

I understand why PAIL came about.  I want a badge, an award, when (if) I finally get pregnant.  I want someone to be able to briefly stop by my blog and see that although I am pregnant and/or parenting, that I have struggled through infertility and that my story might interest people still going through it.  I would like to see that on other people's blogs.

So I think the "badge" of PAIL makes sense and I'd like to see it continue.

It doesn't even bother me to have a separate blogroll, although I understand why it bothers Mel.  And I would still really like to see a PAIL section on her blogroll and have everyone go back to being a big happy family.

Don't we have to stick together?  I mean, how can we not?  Your success should be inspiring hope in the rest of us, not making us feel worse that we are stuck where we are.

* * * * *

Which brings me to the separate IComLeavWe type of thing which is totally disagree with.  I'm joining IComLeavWe for the first time this month, but I've followed it for a couple.  I rarely read the parenting blogs.  I'm not there right now.  It's a protection type of thing.  But I'm still glad they are there.  I only began realizing this in the last month or so as I started to learn more about IVF.  I looked for more blogs of ladies who have had IVF successes so that I can understand more and have more realistic expectations and understanding of the process.  When I'm in the mood, I will seek this info out.  If I'm in a more sorry state, I will stick to people in the same stage as myself.

But moving the conversation away is like deleting the old blogs that Mel discussed.  It's valuable and deserves to be shared.

* * * * *

Some people have complained of losing readers after becoming pregnant.  Well, I've lost readers because they have become pregnant.  And it kind of bugs me, but I also completely get it!  I've joined a ton more blogs since I wrote my post on Pregnancy Blogs.  Basically because I want to keep expanding my network outside of the forums since they are no longer meeting my needs because of where I am in this journey.

I will unfollow some of those blogs at some point.  It might be because you are at a very different stage than me.  It might be because I've just found myself not clicking on your posts as often.  But like I've seen many other people say, if I "know" you (in the internet sense), then I will keep following you because I care about you.  I may read fewer posts, but I will check in every now and then and see how you are doing.  And I really hope that you do the same for me.

But I don't think that pregnant bloggers should change what they post.  I agree with unaffected that it actually makes me feel a bit worse to be "shielded" from information.  I want to have the choice whether or not to come read.  I'm a big girl and although I have good IF days and bad IF days, I would like to do my own censoring.

* * * * *

I think it all comes down to the fact that we all have a right to feel the way we feel.  We just have to choose what we want to say to the world and understand that it will have an effect.  I think there is a way to be compassionate and true to yourself at the same time.