Wednesday, March 7, 2012

My Take on PAIL

I told Mr. GG on Monday night that there was drama in the IF internet community.  He doesn't quite get it, but it's totally weird to be involved in a world outside of typical human contact.  I'm still a newbie in blog-land.  I also do not like drama or confrontation, but I do like to speak my mind (to try to rationalize and calm debate rather than incite it) so I have read all of Mel's posts and most of the comments and have made comments myself.  I think it was brave of Mel to post about how she was feeling, but also that she had to do it.  And I know that some comments were mean, but I also saw many that were helpful, rational, and supportive to the whole community.

I think it's an important issue that deserves some attention and time.

So here's the take of a 20 month infertile on her way to IVF.

* * * * *

I understand why PAIL came about.  I want a badge, an award, when (if) I finally get pregnant.  I want someone to be able to briefly stop by my blog and see that although I am pregnant and/or parenting, that I have struggled through infertility and that my story might interest people still going through it.  I would like to see that on other people's blogs.

So I think the "badge" of PAIL makes sense and I'd like to see it continue.

It doesn't even bother me to have a separate blogroll, although I understand why it bothers Mel.  And I would still really like to see a PAIL section on her blogroll and have everyone go back to being a big happy family.

Don't we have to stick together?  I mean, how can we not?  Your success should be inspiring hope in the rest of us, not making us feel worse that we are stuck where we are.

* * * * *

Which brings me to the separate IComLeavWe type of thing which is totally disagree with.  I'm joining IComLeavWe for the first time this month, but I've followed it for a couple.  I rarely read the parenting blogs.  I'm not there right now.  It's a protection type of thing.  But I'm still glad they are there.  I only began realizing this in the last month or so as I started to learn more about IVF.  I looked for more blogs of ladies who have had IVF successes so that I can understand more and have more realistic expectations and understanding of the process.  When I'm in the mood, I will seek this info out.  If I'm in a more sorry state, I will stick to people in the same stage as myself.

But moving the conversation away is like deleting the old blogs that Mel discussed.  It's valuable and deserves to be shared.

* * * * *

Some people have complained of losing readers after becoming pregnant.  Well, I've lost readers because they have become pregnant.  And it kind of bugs me, but I also completely get it!  I've joined a ton more blogs since I wrote my post on Pregnancy Blogs.  Basically because I want to keep expanding my network outside of the forums since they are no longer meeting my needs because of where I am in this journey.

I will unfollow some of those blogs at some point.  It might be because you are at a very different stage than me.  It might be because I've just found myself not clicking on your posts as often.  But like I've seen many other people say, if I "know" you (in the internet sense), then I will keep following you because I care about you.  I may read fewer posts, but I will check in every now and then and see how you are doing.  And I really hope that you do the same for me.

But I don't think that pregnant bloggers should change what they post.  I agree with unaffected that it actually makes me feel a bit worse to be "shielded" from information.  I want to have the choice whether or not to come read.  I'm a big girl and although I have good IF days and bad IF days, I would like to do my own censoring.

* * * * *

I think it all comes down to the fact that we all have a right to feel the way we feel.  We just have to choose what we want to say to the world and understand that it will have an effect.  I think there is a way to be compassionate and true to yourself at the same time.


  1. Followed the link from your comment at SQ.

    I love your last few sentences there. I do wish others didn't think an acceptable affect was having to hear them tell you that you have no right to how you feel. It's one thing to bare your soul and have the response be, "no, I think you're off base there, let me tell you why," and quite another to have people tell you that you have no right to share what you're feeling or to even feel that way in the first place.

  2. Here from SQ as well. I agree that we all have the right to feel how we feel and it's a shame that collectively, no matter where we are in the process, we all seem to feel that we are being don't we don't.

    On a side note, what years do you teach? I had planned to teach high school English but didn't, and I was hoping for 10th grade, which is world lit in NC. I student taught 10th graders and loved the curriculum.

    1. 9 Reg, 10 Honors, and AP Language which is 11 and 12. 10th is my favorite!

  3. Really great post!! Thank you for these excellent thoughts.

    For me, I don't want a badge but rather support, which is what I like about PAIL :) I see PAIL as a way to talk about parenting after IF and my anxieties about it, kinda like a support group. But I really want to mostly stay active in the ALI world. Which is why this has been hard.

    I loved your description of telling your husband about it. I tried to tell Darcy about it and he was so perplexed. Heh.

  4. I don't even try to tell my husband because he just rolls his eyes at me. I never saw this as a replacement community for the one we live in but rather an extension and place to find support. I still blog a lot about infertility and how it ha affected me.

    In my darkest days after m/c and IVF failures I struggled really hard with those pregnant and blogging about how they didn't enjoy it. Wasn't until it happened to me that I realised it wasn't all that it was cracked up to be! I still maintain separate pages for photos, tickers and nursery ideas.

    I like the idea of a badge because I remember once reading on Jay's blog the TWW wait that the person came over from the SQ blogroll to find out she was pregnant and was basically really pissed off - there was loads more to it but anyway, I thought if someone could see my PAIL badge they could decide if they were in a place to read about it or not.

    Overall storm in a teacup. Taken way out of proportion and hurtful to a lot of people who were excited and happy. Your last line was perfect.