Monday, March 26, 2012

A Mental Shift: From When to If

First I want to say that I was very interested and slightly surprised by the responses to Baby Shower Season.  I'm always amazed by how honest everyone is.  And it always makes me feel a little bit better, more human, more normal.  I think the biggest reason that showers are hard (which came up in the comments) is the "other people" at the shower who don't know you or your journey.  The ones who will ask every inappropriate question under the sun (like my Dad's girlfriend - read the Christmas post).  It's scary not knowing what you might encounter.  Anyway, thanks for the comments!

I'm kinda of biding my time until tomorrow evening's post after my IVF consult.  So here's another post from the past, just last month, but it's still extremely relevant.

*This post was originally written in February*

Somehow over the last few months my mental state has shifted considerably.

I used to be concerned with when I would get pregnant.  This caused all kinds of stress from comparing myself when other people got pregnant to imagining my life in different months pregnant or not pregnant.

But now I'm concerned with if I will get pregnant.  Can I?  This is a whole different can of worms.  In my day to day life, it's less stressful to have this mindset.  I'm less concerned with comparing myself to others. I feel and think less "whiny."  It's made me be much less concerned about time passing and more able to focus on my life.

But overall it's a much darker place because if I can't get pregnant, then what?  You've read some of my past few posts that have started exploring this issue.

Why the shift now?  Was is month 19?  Was it IUI #3?  Was it seeing IVF in the very near future?

When did you shift from when to if?

*Added Today*

I'm extremely stuck in the I won't have children place right now.  I want IVF to work, but I'm planning on it not working.  Is this terrible?  Part of me is just completely tired of the process and of WANTING.  I don't want to WANT anymore.  It's so much easier not to WANT.


  1. Wow. You just summed up so much of what I am feeling, even though I am at a different point in my journey in terms of treatments, I definitely relate to making the mental shift from when to if in terms of pregnancy. And I completely agree that it is both a less stressfull and a much darker place to be. Thanks for putting these thoughts into words and sharin them with us.

    I hope you can find some peace, soon, no matter what the outcome of your IVF.

  2. I was just thinking in the car ride to work this morning that sometimes its just easier to expect the worst because expecting to get pregnant and having it not happen again and again and again is completely devastating. You are not alone and even though you are beginning to see the ifs instead of the when's I hope you can still find a way to be happy. In the meantime I am cheering you on and secretly hoping for the when's:)

  3. DITTO!!!!! Seriously, get out of my head! lol. I know EXACTLY what you are feeling right now. We haven't even done our first IUI (will be in May!!) - and I'm going into it not thinking "ooh this is it, I'm gonna get pregnant in May!" but instead - this is finally the "testing" I need to find out what IS wrong with me (I'm of the mindset it can't be all my husband, there's GOTTA be something with me!)...
    and I also hate to admit this, but I have this deep seeded fear that I will NEVER be pregnant. That my body just won't ever have a pregnancy. I hope that it's just an insane fear...but it is there. :(
    I hope I can get into the "when" mindset and not the "IF"...
    For the longest time, I did think "When I get pregnant"...but now it truly is "If I get pregnant". But it's all a mind trick. We need to think more positively and get back into that "when".

    Good luck! And like the commenter above me, I too hope you can find peace no matter the outcome.

    1. Haha! Good luck with the IUI Lilly...glad you finally got your account to work for comments! : )

  4. Oh, heavens, I SOOO don't want to WANT it like this. I've come to the belief that WANTING it this badly actually came from God, that He put the desire in my heart, because when we first started TTC I didn't WANT it like this. I wanted to be a mother, I always saw myself as a mother, but I never saw it before IF as something so intrinsic to my being, so all-consuming. And I do NOT want to WANT it, to be this unhappy without it. So that's kinda where I got the belief that WANTING it this badly came from God, basically because WANTING it like this is not something I would have chosen for myself!!

  5. Word. Oh, my I've been through this. And I'm definitely in a place of "maybe it will happen, maybe it won't" but I have to try. I think that after IVF#2, I'm gonna call it quits. I don't want to want this anymore either. I might be ready to move onto other options.

    I hope that it happens the first time for you hun. Don't lose that hope for the first time. This is the big guns compared to IUI's and you the odds are all in your favor. :)

  6. I think what you're feeling and bracing for is completely normal. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Hence it's not uncommon to hear about fellow IFers generating a back-up plan. I know I did that. Heck, I had benchmarks in the cycle to make conclusions about what was causing my infertility.

    That said, don't lose faith. IVF does work and I'm hoping that this cycle brings you all you deserve and hope for.

  7. i completely get it. that's how i started feeling after my fourth round of clomid (and 3rd month ovulating) because we fixed my problem, but didn't get pregnant. wth?!? i know, i'm super impatient and dramatic, but it can happen for all of us. just try not to lose faith completely. there will be times when it honestly will feel like it won't EVER happen, but it can and i'm praying it will for you.