First I want to say that I was very interested and slightly surprised by the responses to Baby Shower Season. I'm always amazed by how honest everyone is. And it always makes me feel a little bit better, more human, more normal. I think the biggest reason that showers are hard (which came up in the comments) is the "other people" at the shower who don't know you or your journey. The ones who will ask every inappropriate question under the sun (like my Dad's girlfriend - read the Christmas post). It's scary not knowing what you might encounter. Anyway, thanks for the comments!
I'm kinda of biding my time until tomorrow evening's post after my IVF consult. So here's another post from the past, just last month, but it's still extremely relevant.
*This post was originally written in February*
Somehow over the last few months my mental state has shifted considerably.
I used to be concerned with when I would get pregnant. This caused all kinds of stress from comparing myself when other people got pregnant to imagining my life in different months pregnant or not pregnant.
But now I'm concerned with if I will get pregnant. Can I? This is a whole different can of worms. In my day to day life, it's less stressful to have this mindset. I'm less concerned with comparing myself to others. I feel and think less "whiny." It's made me be much less concerned about time passing and more able to focus on my life.
But overall it's a much darker place because if I can't get pregnant, then what? You've read some of my past few posts that have started exploring this issue.
Why the shift now? Was is month 19? Was it IUI #3? Was it seeing IVF in the very near future?
When did you shift from when to if?
I'm extremely stuck in the I won't have children place right now. I want IVF to work, but I'm planning on it not working. Is this terrible? Part of me is just completely tired of the process and of WANTING. I don't want to WANT anymore. It's so much easier not to WANT.