After 6 months of blogging, I'm finally joining the real conversation! Welcome ICLWers. And if you want to join the conversation, there's still time - today only. Go to Stirrup-Queens and sign-up.
In summary: About to start IVF #1 (consult next Tuesday) after 3 failed IUI + Clomid cycles. We have low morphology and thin lining but no known major issues beyond that. And we are at the 21 month mark.
I'm taking Estrogen right now instead of actual birth control (but it's basically the same thing, right?) and I know that this is not a "real" cycle since the nurses will have me end it with Provera at any given moment, but it's kind of weird!
I have EWCM today. Lots of it. Probably because of the Estrogen. And it's CD 10, so a little early for me, but about the time I'd be gearing up for some BD time or going in the the RE to check follicle size. Instead...I'm doing nothing!
Because this cycle isn't real.
Part of me loves the break. We don't have to have sex unless we want to. I don't have to worry about any possible symptoms or signals or anything. I need a break and this is a nice short one.
But it's also very strange since all I've been trying to do for the last 21 months is worry about when this period of time would occur and hope that I could do something productive with it.
I'm also still having some of the phantom "what if I'm actually pregnant right now?" thoughts. They were worse last week, but they're still lingering. Maybe because of the warning on my Estrace bottle that I should not take it while pregnant.
The thoughts go something like this: "I know I had a full blown period, but it really only lasted 2 days, so what if I'm actually pregnant?" Or, "I know the NP was all up in there 2 days ago and took an ultrasound of my uterus and there was nothing in there, but what if I'm actually pregnant?" And finally, "Yes, I took a test on CD6 because I could smell really well and was really tired, and yes it was negative, but what if I'm actually pregnant?" I AM NOT PREGNANT. OBVIOUSLY.
Does anyone else have this problem? It's come and gone throughout the last year and a half, but it's really weird. Kind of like "Phantom Limb Syndrome."
Anyway. Welcome ICLWers. I promise I'm not a complete crazy person. Usually, I'm quite rational. : )
If you are new, I'd love to hear from you! Comments are wide open...
Only every month! It's ridiculous how many contortions my mind will go through to justify a completely impossible scenario where I could be pregnant. It seems like, since I know much more about my body than the average woman, I ought to be able to calmly and rationally think "I haven't even ovulated yet. I couldn't possibly be pregnant." But instead, the months when I KNOW I couldn't be pregnant are the ones when the little voice in my head starts saying, "It'll happen when you least expect it... and you are not expecting it right now..."
ReplyDeleteI'm so excited to follow your IVF adventure! :)
ReplyDeleteHehe. Despite the fact that I've never been pregnant, I was nervous before starting medications for both IUIs and our IVF. I know the chances are so remote, but I always went ahead and took a home test anyway. Just to ease my mind. If you're really worried, I recommend it.
ReplyDeleteHi Mrs. Green Grass,
ReplyDeleteI'm new to ICLW too and haven't been blogging long myself. I just finished an icsi ivf cycle and we have a singleton! I hope you get your bfp! Think positive and look forward to your updates. I'll become a member of your site and hope you'll visit me. Thanks!
Congrats on almost starting IVF! You seem like great candidates for IVF, so really hoping this works for you!
ReplyDeleteI don't think your crazy, in fact you sound very much like me. I had to take a 2 month break due to recovering from surgery and there were still those phantom pregnancy thoughts even though that was impossible since we weren't really BDing. Infertility makes us all a little crazy ;)
ReplyDeleteHi from ICLW! It's my first month hopping on this train as well!
ReplyDeleteI ALWAYS irrationally think I'm pregnant even when I know that there is no possibility that I am. And unfortunately, my "cycles" (which are often anovulatory and end in breakthrough bleeding) are sooooooooo much longer than they should be. My last cycle was 63 days long. Brings new meaning to the "two week wait." You are not alone!
My firs time doing ICLW too! I love how you compare it to Phantom Limb. It must be a strange feeling - doing all the meds, but having no pressure to do anything else. I am at the point where I'm thinking that we're going to be doing IUI in about three or four months. I know that the first month that we needed to take off when I got a bad diagnosis, and it was kind of freeing initially. Enjoy the time off and hopefully this will be the last cycle you have to do that for.
ReplyDeleteICLW #24
Hi from ICLW:) I'm also a semi-new blogger, and also about to start our first IVF cycle (meds to begin around April 14th-ish). I'm going to be following your journey, and hope to hear from you at some point, too! It is pretty amazing what our minds will come up with when we want to believe we are pregnant, despite all the facts that suggest otherwise. Here's to holding on to hope, but letting go of the irrational stuff! Good luck at your consult appt! Make sure to bring your list of questions... I was so overwhelmed by everything, I forgot half of what I meant to ask!
ReplyDeleteHey there From ICLW!!!
ReplyDeleteI think the hope always stays with us even when we know otherwise. Good luck!
Hi from ICLW! I'm just like you. I've taken HPTs when I have a full on AF. Because I'm crazy and I have a million of them. I've had ultrasounds where I almost expected to see a magic baby hanging out in my ute. Oh well. I know the feeling. You're not alone.
ReplyDeleteHi from ICLW!
ReplyDeleteWishing you all the best as you start IVF!
ICLW #86
Heading over from ICLW... Just wanted to mention that the increased estrogen increased my EWCM quite a bit... it's not just you! I also do the pregnancy-symptom-finder no matter when in the cycle I am. Even after a negative beta, I still question my BFN/BFP status!
ReplyDeleteMuch luck with your upcoming IVF- I look forward to sticking around and cheering you on!
Thanks! And we are sock buddies too!
DeleteOh, I have SOOOO had that "what-if" kind of thought before!
ReplyDeleteHere from ICLW. I hope the upcoming IVF cycle is it for you!
ReplyDeleteoh.my.gosh. i totally got those "what if i'm pregnant?!?" thoughts as i was reaching for my next clomid pill!!! and nothing in your post makes you sound crazy at all! good luck with your IVF cycle! i'll be following along to how things develop! :-)
ReplyDeleteHi & welcome to ICLW! Good luck with the phantom pregnancy thoughts (aren't those the worst?) and with your upcoming IVF!
ReplyDelete