This is first and foremost, an infertility blog. I started blogging to help process the struggle of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant and in the process found this amazing, huge, community.
Throughout these months, there have come and gone waves of discussion about what happens when infertility bloggers who are trying to conceive become pregnant bloggers. I don't want to get into that side of the issue, but I want to examine a bit about what makes us different. It's pretty cool that there are many infertility bloggers who are pregnant right now so I've been able to watch how everyone has processed it.
First, no one seems to fully engross themselves in their pregnancy. Everyone is happy and relieved to "finally" be pregnant, but at the same time there's this sense of waiting to see when the other shoe will drop. When will this end and go back to the miserable, unhappy time before?
Now, many of us are entering the second trimester and I'm seeing a shift. Many of us are starting to believe that "maybe" this is real. Quotation marks because we'll be silently waiting for viability and then counting each week past that toward full-term.
For me, it's all about my belly. My belly is real. I look like an obvious pregnant lady. I'm not so self-conscious about how I look, but I am self-conscious about everyone in the public knowing that I'm pregnant. This whole struggle has pretty much been invisible, but now, the evidence is on the outside.
And I still don't really believe it's real. I'm getting there. I'm thinking about the future and names and nurseries, but I'm not willing to actually get started and buy anything. I'm still somewhat scared that it will all end in disappointment. So there's a weird dichotomy between the physical public evidence of my belly and the truth and struggle and fear that this long journey has engendered.
Another part of it is that everyone looking at me will just think I'm just like every other pregnant lady. But I'm not. I'm scarred from the process and I don't want what I've been through minimized by people looking at me and asking seemingly innocuous questions. But I'm not going to explain what I've been through to each stranger. And I'm not going to be upset by their comments either, because I fully expect them and know they will be good-natured. I just feel exposed now and it's weird!
I'm going public on Facebook next week. I'm due mid-January and I've already seen announcements for March! I'm kind of excited, but I also kind of wish I could just wait until the baby is born to actually tell people. Does that make any sense?
How is everyone else processing their pregnancies after infertility?