I wasn't sure how I'd feel about the holidays this year. Mostly, I'm really excited. I think not having work stress makes Christmas season much more fun. I'm excited to put Dylan in his little "Gift for the Ladies" outfit. I think the nurses will love it! I think we'll have fun ringing in New Year's at the NICU with him. We'll sneak in some Martinelli's and some glasses...
But today was not fun. Thanksgiving is not something that you can bring to a hospital. It feels wrong that all of my family was together, but not him. It's not fair.
Mr. GG and I planned on going to the hospital on the way to my mom's, but because we wanted to take the dog and because there would be tons of food in the car, it couldn't work how we had planned. I was already feeling a little sad that Dylan was missing out on family time, but this put me over the edge. It's true, we still had 3 options; leave the dog at home, drive separate, or go see him after, but I still lost it.
I think Mr. GG was caught a little off-guard by the tears so he said "It's okay, we can fix this" thinking I was upset about not going to the hospital, but when he asked what's I wrong I just said that's it's because HE'S in the hospital. It just felt all wrong and enhanced the isolation that I already feel for him when he's at the hospital alone.
I knew that I could not relax for a second today without going to see him first, so I drove the hospital (still crying) while he drove to my mom's with the food and the dog.
He was fast asleep looking super comfy when I got there : ). They had even reduced his oxygen, upped his feedings, and eliminated one of his IV nutrient infusions. Pretty cool.
As soon as I saw him, I instantly felt better.
Thanksgiving with my family was nice, but it'll be much, much better next year.
I cannot even imagine...thinking of you and hoping your family will be all together very soon...xoxo. (And I would love to be added to Dylan's blog, my email is linds2433@yahoo.com)
ReplyDeleteIt will be better next year. I'm so sorry you had to break down, but so glad you were able to spend some time with him. He's champ and he is gonna be home with you in no time. I keep praying for him daily. I'm going to pray also that you and Mr. GG continue to be strong.
ReplyDeleteI felt the same way when my twins were in the NICU, especially when one came home and one stayed. My husband and I would take turns but it broke my heart that they had to be there in the first place. Hang in there, you're doing a great job for your baby.
ReplyDeleteBeen thinking of you lately. I wish and hope that he will be home to you sooner rather than later. You are a strong person and wonderful momma to that little boy!
ReplyDeleteYes yes and yes. This is exactly how I felt yesterday. We spent a couple hours with him and did skin to skin which made me feel much better but meeting with family and coming home again afterwards knowing he was all the way over *there* was just too much and I lost it. Cried a ton at night. Next year WILL be much better. Hang in there mama.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had to celebrate Thanksgiving without your son. Soon enough you will have him with you all the time. I know that moment can't come soon enough, but it will come. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteyep. I feel terrible when I know mine are alone and even more terrible when i show up and hear they had a spell or something. I also feel so, so sad that mine haven't seen or touched EACH OTHER since delivery. I literally cry every time i think about it.
ReplyDeleteYou put me into tears because I felt the same exact way. Isn't it amazing how you just feel so much better after taking one huge glance at him? It's the best feeling in the world. Wishing you the best holiday season ever. Just remember, you're not alone! I'll be in the NICU all day on Christmas and every day before and after that as long as my son is still in the NICU. Take it easy and one day at a time! This isn't going to last forever! We will get our day of glory when we both bring our son's home at last!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you had to spend Thanksgiving without your son. Sometimes a good cry can do so much good for us. You needed to get some feelings out and that's okay. Really. I am happy you got to see him for awhile, I am sure it did your heart good. I am praying for all three of you daily. Also, I would love to be added to Dylan's blog. My email is rhombus77@ gmail.com. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteNext year WILL be so much better. I remember those days well and it is difficult. My son was born in the beginning of December and was in the NICU through Christmas and New Years. It was difficult to decide what family gatherings to go to, without him, and which ones to skip and spend in the NICU with him. I cried a lot and anguished over those choices. It all felt so unfair. But the following year, we had this little happy baby crawling around being the delightful life of the party at all those holiday get togethers. Funny thing is now, 3 years later, I feel nostalgic about those NICU days. As weird as that sounds, it was my boy's first Christmas and I smile thinking about bringing him his stocking on Christmas morning and dressing him in his little Christmas outfits and trekking through the snow to see him everyday. It will get better! So glad he's doing well!
ReplyDelete