Sunday, December 30, 2012

2012...Trauma and a Miracle.

I have never cared less about a New Year than this year.  We have no plans.  I barely even knew that New Year's Eve is actually tomorrow.  Mr. GG flies out for a business trip on New Year's Day.

Originally, I was planning to spend New Year's in the NICU.  But now it just doesn't seem like there is a point.  Baby should be asleep.  And sure I can tell him one day that we were with him at midnight...but does it really matter?  I will be awake since I usually pump at 11:30 but I'm just not that into it.

That being said, Mr. GG and I did come up with a last minute plan.  Sushi and wine.  Hot tub and smores by the fire pit.  And sex.  (I really hope my mom isn't still reading this blog.) We have not had sex since...hmm...well somewhere back when I was pregnant.  And before that was probably before we started IVF.  In April.  Our count for 2012 is probably somewhere around 10.  Maybe I underestimate.  We were trying to make a baby at the beginning of the year.  But since then...close to zilch.  Until tomorrow... ; )

Being in the NICU is getting harder and harder.  The first 3 months were fine.  I knew he needed to be there.  I wasn't supposed to have him until January.  But it's almost January.  And all of the people that were due around me are starting to have their babies.  And take them home.  I kind of felt like if we could take him home by his due date, that it was all okay.  Because all of this has been borrowed time.  But it's very likely that he won't be home by then.  I'm working on preparing myself so I don't totally freak out.

He just needs to eat.  But it's so hard!!  He eats 44 mls a sessions, but the most he's ever taken by bottle is 22 mls.  And that was just once.  Yesterday he took 17 twice.  Today 10 (but he was working on a big poop at the time).  Two days ago...2!  He seems so normal at this point.  His heart rate still drops occasionally, but in general he's doing so well.  He's over 5 pounds!  He seems so close to coming home...yet I have no idea when he'll start to get how to feed.

Anyway...2013 is going to be a whole different world.  2012 thoroughly sucked.  Besides the fact that I conceived and had Dylan.  That was great.  But every single thing surrounding it was traumatic and I will gladly put it behind me.  Here's to a new year!

And to those of you who are still in the trenches...I am rooting for you every day.  I was a little frustrated by the fact that during the Sandy Hook coverage everything focused on parents.  "Go home and hug your kids today" was all I saw on FB.  But you do not have to have a child to feel utterly devastated by what happened that day.  I've been thinking about this since then and wanted to all of you to know.

If you are still interested in following Dylan's blog and haven't been added yet, send me an email.  If you have put your email in a comment instead, I probably haven't added you.  Sorry!  It's much easier to reply with the link by email.

Here's a recent pic:


  1. Those last days before discharge were so hard for me. There would be a buzz that they were almost there, and then there'd be nothing. I almost wishe they never said anything until the day they could go home.

    I also thought mine would never learn that eating business. But I swear it was just like they said it would be...they were taking less than 20ml every other feed one day an the next they were taking the entire bottle every feed. Just like that. I was shocked! It will be the same for your little guy. You'll see.

    Many hugs to you.

  2. Definitely a traumatic year for you guys - but without it, you wouldn't have your little guy. I hope 2013 brings you lots of joy & you get to bring him home as soon as he's ready! xx

  3. So sorry - I can't even imagine how frustrating it is. Hopefully things look better in the new year!

  4. Love the susi and wine plans! Hoping your next year is happy and healthy!

  5. 2013 is going to be a great year for all three of you! You will get to take Dylan home which is going to be AMAZING!!!

    Have fun (wink wink) tonight with your sushi, wine, hot tub and smores! Sounds like a perfect NYE to me!

  6. We had NICU time with all of my children and it was always a rollercoaster. I agree with Stacie, the feeding issues will one day magically resolve themselves. And for us they only had to take full feeds for a day or two and then we were discharged. I don't think the NICU is ever where you want to end up but the guidance and training the nurses provide made having a newborn much less terrifying. Best of luck to your family.

  7. Feeding can be very frustrating, one of my twins had the same problem and couldn't go home because of it. I was convinced that when I wasn't there the nurses wouldn't try hard enough and just gavage the rest of his bottle. My husband says that's crazy but who knows. He did get it down but at 11 weeks it still takes him almost an hour to finish! Hang in there and enjoy your night with your hubby!

  8. Yes, here's to 2013. Dylan's homecoming should make 2013 so very sweet.

    And, to hot tub and wine. And bring lube. Lots of it (breastfeeding made me so dry--I needed about a gallon per sex-capade) :)

  9. As a NICU nurse who has worked my fair share of New Year's Eve shifts, tonight included, I always love it when the parents who have midnight feeders are there to celebrate with them. But as a mom who had a 3 week old infant last New Year's, the kid has no idea what is going on. Better to celebrate with your hubs because he probably will remember it LOL.

    The miracle of 2012, Dylan, will be there to celebrate with you on future New Year's Eve nights. Take tonight to start out 2013 with you and the hubs....I'll drink a toast of my sparkling grape juice to you! Oh and the NICU nurses will be sure to kiss Dylan at midnight....he's definitely a cutie! I love that picture.

    As far as him figuring out to eat, he'll get there. There are full term kids who don't have a clue how to eat. He has overcome so much. He can do this too. If he's like most of the kids I've taken care of over the past 14 years, his "light bulb" will go on one day and he'll be a champ eater. It's kind of amazing to watch. One day 15mLs the next 50mLs. It's hoping he gets it soon!

  10. So I'm sure you've had lots of people tell you that one day they will just "get it" and start eating. That is no joke.

    Four days before my girls came home they got 80% of their feeds by tube. Three days out it was 30%. The last two they took it all orally. If you would have asked my four days before they were discharged when they were coming home, I certainly wouldnt' have said four days from then!

    He really will one day just get it. And you'll be out of there in no time.

  11. he looks great!!!

    I felt the same way about the borrowed time...i really wanted to be home by 38 weeks since thats when i would have been induced, but we didn't go home until 39&2. Looking back it was still borrowed time, but that last week was tough. As far as bradys I think Dylan will grow out of them by the time he comes home. Jake still spells now that we are home, sometimes as much as once a feed or more, but they're very obvious so they don't worry me anymore. Dylan doesn't sound like he is nearly as bad with the spells.

    We are the same about sex. I know its all my "fault" but I don't really have the desire to at all afraid it will hurt and I'm always tired. blah. And ours were the same with all of a sudden finishing feeds. Drew especially had difficulty and then all of a sudden he just got the hang of it.

  12. So cute!!! Love the pic! Happy new year to you guys.

  13. So much trauma and yet one of the biggest miracles in your life I bet. I completely understand. They say there's a lightbulb that goes on for feeds. Waiting with you on this...wondering if there's a lightbulb for getting rid of cannulas too! You are doing great and 2013 will most certainly be better and full of amazing memories. Hope you and Mr GG had a great NYE.

  14. I can imagine you are so done and ready to take that baby home - I hope sometime soon for you. My gf who had 30 weekers said that after 5 lbs she found it really started to get better - and that at some point the feeding just clicked...I am sure it is so hard to believe when it is not happening, but it will come and hopefully soon. Hope you had a great new years and lots of great sex ;).

  15. Melt heart melted with Dylan's picture!!! =) As a first-time visitor (and fellow ivf-er, preemie mom/NICU survivor), congratulations on your beautiful baby boy!