Yesterday was really tough for me and for Mr. GG although we both dealt with it on our own.
I cried a lot. What kept setting me off was picturing all of the scenarios that the neonatologist set in front of us. They have to have a decision on whether you will intervene to help a severely premature baby. Also, we need to start taking steroids two days before the time that we decide to have interventions. Hearing the word "comfort" as a type of care after a preemie birth just sent me straight to tears (still almost does). BUT...I am not going to have a super-premature birth! (I still could - that's just my positive thinking at work.)
Honestly, we have worked so hard to get this baby into the world that I just cannot imagine the universe would allow us to lose our precious baby.
The other biggest obstacle yesterday was just letting go. I decided that I needed to make a list of all of the things I need to let go of:
- being in charge of my day-to-day life
- teaching this year (until maybe the end)
- being at Open House
- going to the AP Conference next month
- wearing my winter maternity clothes
- hey...my list is comprehensive! and I was preparing for the worst case scenario - this one might not be a done deal.
- having a baby shower
- ditto - feeling more positive about this one now
I did this while crying, but it really helped and I've been totally okay with everything today. I've just been planning as if I won't leave this room.
I also emailed everyone at school and did the "FB post" which helped make it real.
And then we got some good news.
I was feeling extremely shitty physically this morning. Magnesium causes hot flashes (or just hot face for me), dizziness, nausea - all of the stuff that makes you be able to do nothing while on bed rest. I couldn't even focus my eyes if I moved my head too fast. But since my contractions were well-controlled by that point (only one in half a day), they tried lowering my dose by 25%. The effect was magnificent!! I can read. I can think (kind of - I was trying to explain to my mom where to find the dog food and I couldn't think of the word "furnace" for the life of me...all I got was that thing in the house that heat, you know, with the door...my sister figured it out). I can laugh. I can handle this.
Sure my veins are shot from having my blood drawn out of just ONE ARM every 6 hours... And my butt is killing me from sitting in various positions on this hard bed.
But my contractions have stopped and I can deal with all of the other stuff.
Right now I'm dealing while listening to baby's beautiful, regular, strong 140+ heart rate.
Oh...the good news:
Since the contractions are controlled, they are going to try taking me off of the Mag tomorrow and back onto the oral pills. They'll watch for 24 hours and if the contractions increase I'll go back on Mag of course. But if they don't...pills mean I can go home! I've done such a good job preparing myself for staying that I am almost shocked, but now I'm ready for either scenario.
Home will still be 100% strict bed-rest. And I honestly don't think I can have puppy around on bed-rest, but it'll be good.
I'll probably have another update on Tuesday.