Starting to Crack

Feeding is still not going well.  All of the other preemie babies I've met online are about to go home (not that that really matters, but it does increase the pressure).

Dylan is supposed to take 60mls every 3 hours or 78 every 4 hours.  His best is 48 and he's been in the 40s about 6 times.

But at his last feeding for me today, he took 4.  And that's pretty much how the last few days have been going.  I feel like we are moving backwards!  For the past couple of days, he has brady'd just about every time he's taken a sip of milk.  It's driving me nuts.  I can't help him. I can only keep doing what I'm doing.

We've tried a bunch of different things to help him: moving his feeds from 3 to 4 hours to increase his appetite, switching from Prilosec to Prevacid to control his reflux, changing feeding position, changing nipple flow.

Nothing will make me feel better except for him improving.  I feel like I'm starting to lose it.  Sure, he's come so far, but that doesn't really make me feel any better because we are stuck right now.  Stuck at the hospital.

Every day, I wake up and go to the hospital and my mood is determined by our feeding.  I stay pretty calm although at times I plead with him to eat, or make up songs to get him to eat.  But if it's really bad, I give up and just hold him which is much nicer than forcing a nipple into his mouth.

There's nothing to do about it.  Am I going to just stay in bed all day like I'd kind of like to do?  No.  Just keep going to the hospital and keep trying and just wait.  The constant tension in my shoulders is just here to stay.

I kind of feel like I want to cry, but haven't.  I just feel exhausted, irritable and kind of desperate.