Wednesday, September 18, 2013

One year later...

No, Dylan's not 1 yet.  Soon.  But one year ago this week (Sept 21st to be exact), when I was 23 weeks pregnant, I went into labor and was hospitalized for the remainder of my pregnancy.

It's been kind of difficult in a PTSD kind of way to start the school year.  I still replay all of the things in my mind that could have maybe caused me to go into labor (although I have absolutely no evidence that there was any specific reason).

It's really hot in Southern California in September.  I teach in a bungalow without air conditioning.  Last year, on Friday of the first week of school (2 weeks before I went into labor), it was 105 degrees.  I had my class moved to an air-conditioned building, but the a/c stopped working around noon.  My 6th period AP class was writing an essay and I remember sitting in the back of the classroom in a chair, just waiting for the bell to ring.  One student had to be walked to the nurse's office with heat exhaustion.  I don't know why I didn't just tell the office that I needed to go home or be somewhere cool.  Actually I do know why.  I didn't really know any better.  I thought I could wait it out another hour.  It kills me to think back on this day.

Do you remember last year when I said I finally booked and went to pre-natal yoga classes?  I was so proud of myself for actually starting to work out after feeling out of it for the entire pregnancy up to that point.  Before yoga, I had walked a bit, just in the last month or so, but that was it.  I went to two yoga classes before I went into labor.  Wednesday, 9 days before and Wednesday, 2 days before.  The second class only had three people in it, two pregnant, one not.  The other pregnant girl was much farther along than I was.  The instructor had us do a move where we put one foot on the wall and bent 90 degrees sideways.  It felt ok while I was doing it, but I have secretly wondered if it caused a placental abruption.  I started bleeding on Friday.  It's possible that a small piece of my placenta tore away from my uterine wall although it was never able to be confirmed.  I went into labor 2 days after that class.  Even though I have no idea if this class contributed to labor, I still question whether the instructors truly knew the safety of what they were asking us to do.  The studio caters entirely to pregnant woman so I assumed that they would know what was appropriate more than I did.  But I wish I had never gone.

And the list doesn't stop there...

So I'm still not over it.  How could I be?  I still am a little disturbed when I'm around women in their 3rd trimester.  I still feel a little jealousy and do not like hearing about their aches and pains, etc.  And the other day when my friend who's about to have her third said that she hoped this one came early, I kind of wanted to smack her.

Really the only thing that makes it all okay is that Dylan is okay, great actually.  We are amazingly lucky.  He has defied odds.  If he hadn't, I'm not sure I'd be able to get over it ever.

Sorry for the depressing post, but I need to put it out there.  Catharsis or whatever.

But my advice to all pregnant women is that it is so much better to be safe than sorry!  Go to Labor & Delivery for monitoring whenever something is weird.  Every other day if you have to! Don't feel stupid about it.  Trust your instinct.  Let people take care of you and carry things for you and let you sit.  You don't have to be and shouldn't be Super Woman while pregnant.  Don't leave yourself any regrets!  And I wish all of you 10 months of baby-growing!


  1. Thinking of you!
    I've not been where you have been or are now, but I have been in situations where I've gone over it again and again and wondering what I could have done differently and would it have helped. I believe time will help, but mainly, try not to beat yourself up over it too much.

    And truly, having Dylan really is the best thing of all! Congrats!

  2. I can completely understand why you feel that way! My boys were only 5 weeks early and every time I hear women wanting to go early I cringe! You AND Dylan survived a traumatic experience and I don't blame you for running it all through your mind. I do the same thing with breast feeding, I'm traumatized!

  3. I always wonder if anything I did or didn't do contributed to the early labor of my twins. I try to tell myself that it was an infection (even though one was not confirmed) or that the hematoma did damage that I could have never helped. It's hard to remember those hard times and not reflect on what could have been different. yes, cooper came in the third trimester safely, but he was still earlyish. Does my body not want me pregnant?

    I wish you a little peace and lots of happiness.

  4. You're in my thoughts. I don't blame you for having those thoughts...the "what ifs". I do the same thing. But try to cut yourself some clack because you didn't know. Hind sight is 20/20. And most of all enjoy that beautiful boy of yours...what a blessing!