Monday, September 23, 2013

The Worst Day of My Life

September 22, 2012.

It wasn't the Friday night when I went into labor and was admitted to the hospital. That night, as soon as I heard Dylan's heartbeat, I thought everything would be fine.

It was the next day, Saturday. When I learned that everything was now changed forever. That I would not be leaving the hospital until Dylan was born and that the odds were high that it would be soon.

And now I had to consider what I would do if he was born that day, before I had received steroid shots. When I should get the shots...

And all of this with burning cheeks like my face was one fire and a brain haze that felt like I was looking and thinking through fog - brought on by the magenesium sulfate drip that was keeping labor from progressing. I had 13 contractions in one hour at one point.

I remember sitting with Mr. GG in the first little tiny closet-room.  We needed to talk about what to do, to have a plan, but we just couldn't talk. It was too big. We were just at the beginning of learning our different ways of coping in the midst of trauma.

This is the day that I made the list of all of the things I needed to let go of because I was no longer in control of my life.

School. My kids. My plans and hopes for the rest of the pregnancy. My shower. My house. My dog. I had a new life in the blink if an eye and although I guess I do trauma pretty well, I don't do spur of the moment well.

But what a difference a year makes!

Today was a wonderful day with Dylan. He smiled and giggled his way through the day (minus a short patch around bedtime). He worked on his crawling technique in the new living room rug we bought for him. It's a mix of army crawl with scoots and rolls and some occasional grunting mixed in. But it gets him around!

And then my favorite time of the day, dream feed...where I just stare at him, marvel at him while he eats. Usually I picture him older. I imagine what he'll look like, what he'll like to do.  Then I pick him up and gently pat his back as he lays his head on my shoulder and I feel so lucky and happy and perfectly content. 

I would go through the worst day of my life again in a heart-beat to be right where I am right now.

10 comments:

  1. Oh, tears. He is precious. I am so, so happy you and he are in the here and now -- mamas and babies are both much tougher than we get credit for :)

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  2. It is amazing what a different a year makes! Congrats, you've all come a long way.

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  3. He's a beautiful wee man - hugs to you.

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  4. I'm glad to see you both on the other side of it - thriving!

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  5. A great post. I am so glad you are enjoying your time with Mr. D. He is a real miracle.

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  6. Such a gorgeous boy - and its so lovely to enjoy those special moments together.

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  7. This is beautiful! Thank you for sharing such heartfelt words. He's a lovely little boy.

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