I don't expect this month to work. At this point I don't even really expect IVF to work. (Not in a totally depressing way, but in a different way that's hard to describe.)
So I'm just going through the motions.
We are BDing every other day (until DH goes out of town Wed and Thurs). It would be very nice to O before that.
I'm taking my vitamins and my temperature.
But there's not real emotions involved at this point.
We are getting our ducks in a row for IVF. What a bitch it is! I have an email in to my regular doctor to see if she'll order the new round of Day 3 tests, STD tests, and Anti-Mullerian hormone test that I need prior to IVF. Also, the "success guarantee plan" has a form that you have to fax in to say you want to apply, but it also says it'll take up to 2 weeks from the completion of any testing to complete the process. So I'm stressed that we won't be able to get everything done and will get pushed back a month.
Mr. GG says I should just go to a Quest and pay for the tests, because what is $200 or so in the grand scheme of things. So I guess I should schedule that, but does anyone else have the problem that you know you need to do things, but then time just keeps passing and you just don't do them (or forget). There's just so much else going on like the papers I need to grade and the classes to plan and the house to clean that refilling prescriptions and getting blood tests just seems too overwhelming.
I even forgot my acupuncture appointment on Friday. Last night at 3 in the morning I suddenly remembered that I forgot to go. FML. Now my lining will probably suck again.
So I'm doing everything (or almost doing everything) I need to be doing, but I really don't expect a BFP at the end of it. I guess I've just been burned too many times. I'm sure this will all change when I near 10 dpo, but it's how it is right now.
Which reminds me of a race horse my friend owns a part of. His name is "Uncomfortably Numb" (based on Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" if you are of my generation and do not have an older husband to teach you about things like Pink Floyd). That's kind of explains my lack of emotion right now, uncomfortably numb.
Well, and kinda bitchy and annoyed too.
You sound kind of sad, but I'm not going to try to convince you to think about each cycle as the one that will work. I know that I struggle to find a balance of hope, optimism and realism that will keep me mentally healthy and ready to take whatever step is next, but not to be crushed by each stumble along the way. I've been meaning to write about it for a while, because for me it's a hard thing to put my finger on.
ReplyDeleteI am hopeful for each of your cycles, but maybe more importantly optimistic that you'll find your way to a happy family even if this month doesn't end your search. Take care.
I feel a lot the same way as you described about my current cycle--just going through the motions and doing just about everything right, but not actually expecting it to work. And I totally get the (un)comfortably numb reference. Pretty much describes how I feel right now, too.
ReplyDeleteAnd I also tend to put things off, even though I know I need to do them. Even when I write them on my to do list, I still manage to forget to do them. Good luck getting your necessary blood work. It would be great if your doctor can order, but it does sound like timing is more important at this point. And I hope you O before your DH leaves on his trip.
Crossing my fingers for that O before he leaves tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteAfter talking to a friend of mine who's really struggling with TTC, I think I have have a better understanding now of how difficult it is when you're emotionally involved and hopeful month after month.
I'm still hopeful for you though :)