What if I'm not supposed to have kids? I'm not religious, but I do kinda of believe that what will be will happen and that often it is what "should" happen.
Like how Mr. GG and I are 11 years apart. And he's divorced. We weren't really supposed to meet (although I was actually in attendance at his college graduation - I was 11). But we did and he's my match. Thank goodness because he has been so wonderful during this whole ordeal!
So I seriously wonder what I should do, where I should go in this process. I know that I will probably just keep chugging along until I really can't and will do IVF and maybe adopt, but I don't know how much energy I have to keep fighting against reality. It's sad, but true.
What if I'm supposed to be the cool aunt? Or I'm supposed to be the "mom" to some of my most down and out students. Maybe Mr. GG and I would actually be better off without kids even though that is different than how I pictured my life.
I hope I won't get to the place where I have to make the choice to stop because it would be a gut-wrenching choice to make. (And I'm a horrible decision maker and second-guess everything.) But I see it off in the future. Off towards the end of this year.
When I hit the year mark last August, I said I wouldn't completely freak out and lose it until the next August. Well, I'm sure I have an IVF or 2 between here and there, but it's on the horizon.
Look out world.
Oh, and if the tone didn't already inform you, I'm not pregnant. On to month 20.
I'm sorry, GG.
ReplyDeleteI won't spout any of the 'if it's meant to happen, it'll happen' jargon, because I know hwo much you want & deserve this - but sending you lots ofsupport. x
Oh sweetie, I think we all struggle with these thoughts. "What if I'm not just not meant to be..." is so familiar to me. I can't say whether you are or are not supposed to turn to IVF. I can say, from experience, that given time you and Mr. GG will make the choice that is best for you. You'll know how far you are supposed to push this as a couple and, while the choice may make you sad or uncomfortable, it will feel right and you'll have peace.
ReplyDeleteWe WILL turn to IVF if that's the next step. We are prepared for that. I just don't know how far we will go with it...
DeleteThanks for the support!
I am so sorry. I was checking the weddingbee boards all weekend thinking of you. I hope thing work out with whatever you decide to do.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs. I'm sorry it didn't happen this cycle, and that this journey is so heartwrenching.
ReplyDeleteThanks all of you for your support! This post wasn't hard to write...it just came to me. But opening the comments got to me a bit.
ReplyDelete