I always wonder about my slightly older female married co-workers who are childless. I wonder they are childless by choice. But I'll probably never know because I can't ask because I don't want to bring up that is potentially painful.
This morning an older teacher came in to my room to get something and asked me why I wasn't at happy hour last night. I said that I had an acupuncture appointment. She asked what for and I briefly thought about whether to tell her or not, but then told her the truth, for fertility.
Then she came over and told me her story. She tried for 4 years, took fertility meds, then had a miscarriage at 8 weeks after she was finally able to get pregnant. Her marriage ended a year later (for many reasons). Then I actually told her about my chemical pregnancy and how it happened on the day of department meetings and open house and how terrible that day was. She mentioned something able always counting dates and anniversaries. (Luckily I don't do that. I promptly forgot when my EDD was and will not look it up.)
When she got remarried (after having fibroids removed) she got pregnant after 6 weeks! She had her sons at 33 and 35 years old.
She kept saying "it'll happen for you" and I kept saying "I know" but I unexpectedly kinda teared up. I feel uncomfortable being vulnerable in front of others and receiving their sympathy. I just want to say it's ok and move on. I don't know why it's so hard. I want the support of others, but I don't want them to feel bad for me.
Weird?
This makes perfect sense. On the flip side, I'm glad your coworker was sensitive. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteNot weird. I feel the same way. I like it when people know, because I feel like it's a part of me, but afterwards I want to be able to talk about it on my terms... I don't want other people to dwell on it, or assume I'm thinking about it all the time.
ReplyDeleteI understand that feeling of I want support but not sympathy. I miscarried whilst staying at my in-laws place (we live overseas). We were back for a funeral and I just didn't want the pity, not when I didn't have anywhere to escape from people. It didn't help there was 14 people staying at my in-laws tiny house. The only upside was cause it was a funeral I could get away with crying or having a tear-stained face.
ReplyDeleteI've had a tough week at school and for some reason it has all just gotten on top of me. Strangely enough there is a great little corner in the library that I can cry and not be seen and be given 5 minutes of peace.
Sorry....I clearly have issues and shouldn't be dumping them on your comments. But you are explaining a bit of what I'm thinking/ feeling so thank you.
I can't imagine how hard that was! Please share all of your issues anytime...see previous post, "Misery loves compnay." : )
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