Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Misery Loves Company

Misery loves company right?  That's why we have all found eachother...

I've written two posts on jealousy, but I want to create a more complete picture of how I feel about my friends and family who are pregnant or have children. 

I'm mostly only jealous of people I don't know or don't know too well.  Like the pregnant lady at Target last night.  I almost kicked myself for walking past the baby aisles.  I honestly look away when I see pregnant strangers.

My pregnant and mom friends for the most part are in their 30's and started having kids near that time.  How can I begrudge them that?

And many of my friends have had difficulty conceiving.  Here's a list (because misery loves company).

  • My sister had a miscarriage before her current 20 week pregnancy.                                               (It's a boy! Just found out this week.)

  • My good friend from high school struggled for almost 2 years and then had a miscarriage before  conceiving her daughter.  (She totally gave up caffeine after her miscarriage.  So did my sister.)

  • Another high school friend had her first while on birth control at 22.  But it took her years to conceive her twin boys afterwards.

  • My co-worker had a miscarriage in between her two healthy baby girls.  The 2nd time took at least 8 months.

  • My other co-worker has been trying for over 2 years, has done meds and IUIs, and is on a break right now.

  • A good friend and her husband tried for 2 years before having a successful 1st IVF.                   (She's 24 weeks.)

  • My BFF swears she's NTNT (although she wants to have a baby but she has step-children and it's just complicated) and has had plenty of sex in the last year with no luck.  She started trying about the same time as me.  She just doesn't want to stress about it yet (even though she kinda is).

  • Another friend tried for over a year (without intervention) and was totally shocked when she actually got pg.

  • Another couple we are close to has tried for over a year with 2 miscarriages.  They haven't started interventions yet either, but are close.

So sadly, I've got a lot of company.  But I'm really not all that miserable, just a mixture of  a little sad and a lot frustrated.

Which means I'm going to be ok when I go to visit my college friend next week who has a 1 1/2 year old and got pregnant with #2 8 months after he was born and is due soon.  I'm a little nervous just that some unexpected lurking emotion will crop up, but I'm not jealous of her.  I'm happy for her.  (The conversation just always gets a little weird when I talk about my infertility in front of a pregnant woman.  Which I will because these are close friends that I haven't seen for awhile because we live across the state.)

I know many people feel alone in the journey so I hope my large network of fertility-challenged friends makes you feel less alone.


  1. Wow, you DO have a lot of company! I gotta say my friend circle is definitely more in the other group, the pregnant after a month or two with no miscarriages even after multiple children. I have a few fellow infertile friends but the vast majority are not.

  2. My friend circles seem to be a pretty even split of those encountering challenges and those that are super fertile. I appreciate having both camps in my life for the obvious reasons - misery loves company and the optimism. I hope you have a great visit with your college friend!

    1. Thanks...it's this weekend and we haven't seen eachother since my bachelorette party! That was a long time ago.

  3. I know EXACTLY what you mean about being jealous more of strangers than close friends. I am happy for my friends with babies, and aren't jealous of them. What I am jealous of is seeing pregnant women that I don't know on the train, or at a store. My closest girl friend tried for three years before having her first, and then it took her two years before her second child. I am so glad that I have her to talk to, and that she understands. My other friend who got pregnant without trying, she TRIES to be helpful, but really she can't know the anguish of the TWW and the wondering and frustrations. Hers was a surprise baby.