Misery Loves Company

Misery loves company right?  That's why we have all found eachother...

I've written two posts on jealousy, but I want to create a more complete picture of how I feel about my friends and family who are pregnant or have children. 

I'm mostly only jealous of people I don't know or don't know too well.  Like the pregnant lady at Target last night.  I almost kicked myself for walking past the baby aisles.  I honestly look away when I see pregnant strangers.

My pregnant and mom friends for the most part are in their 30's and started having kids near that time.  How can I begrudge them that?

And many of my friends have had difficulty conceiving.  Here's a list (because misery loves company).

• My sister had a miscarriage before her current 20 week pregnancy.                                               (It's a boy! Just found out this week.)

• My good friend from high school struggled for almost 2 years and then had a miscarriage before  conceiving her daughter.  (She totally gave up caffeine after her miscarriage.  So did my sister.)

• Another high school friend had her first while on birth control at 22.  But it took her years to conceive her twin boys afterwards.

• My co-worker had a miscarriage in between her two healthy baby girls.  The 2nd time took at least 8 months.

• My other co-worker has been trying for over 2 years, has done meds and IUIs, and is on a break right now.

• A good friend and her husband tried for 2 years before having a successful 1st IVF.                   (She's 24 weeks.)

• My BFF swears she's NTNT (although she wants to have a baby but she has step-children and it's just complicated) and has had plenty of sex in the last year with no luck.  She started trying about the same time as me.  She just doesn't want to stress about it yet (even though she kinda is).

• Another friend tried for over a year (without intervention) and was totally shocked when she actually got pg.

• Another couple we are close to has tried for over a year with 2 miscarriages.  They haven't started interventions yet either, but are close.

So sadly, I've got a lot of company.  But I'm really not all that miserable, just a mixture of  a little sad and a lot frustrated.

Which means I'm going to be ok when I go to visit my college friend next week who has a 1 1/2 year old and got pregnant with #2 8 months after he was born and is due soon.  I'm a little nervous just that some unexpected lurking emotion will crop up, but I'm not jealous of her.  I'm happy for her.  (The conversation just always gets a little weird when I talk about my infertility in front of a pregnant woman.  Which I will because these are close friends that I haven't seen for awhile because we live across the state.)

I know many people feel alone in the journey so I hope my large network of fertility-challenged friends makes you feel less alone.

Questions and Doubt and More Questions

I need some help today ladies. 

Background: I've been charting my BBT for 11 cycles (out of my 19 TTC) and have gotten a clear temp rise each of those months...until this one.

Here are a few typical charts for reference.

Typically my coverline is at 97.4 (above is 97.3) and my post-O temps are 97.6 or higher.

I don't typically get an O dip, but I did the month above.

And here's this month.

My IUI was on CD12.  The 2 temps before that were 97.6 that I disturbed because the puppy and then Mr. GG's snoring kept me restless all night.  The next day was 97.5 which is the day we triggered. And then ever since the IUI it's been 97.6....EVERY....DAY.  I was also on Estrace for the 2 temps pre-IUI.

Now 97.6 is typically a post-O temp for me.  I also felt ovary pain on CD11 and 12 and it went away after that.

I am just slightly freaked out that I can't see a clear temp jump, that somehow this is the first month in 19 that I haven't ovulated (even though I saw the 21 and 18mm follies with my own eyes) and that somehow we mis-timed everything.

Mr. GG and I did it the old-fashioned way on the night of the IUI and the night after, but we didn't last night (long story).

Can anyone provide any reassurance?

Sorry if I sound crazy, and that you have to read through a rambling mess, but you get it right?  I know I could have solved this whole problem by either temping the entire month or not temping at all, but because I have, I'm frustrated.  Mr. GG keeps asking what each temp "means" and I keep repeating that I have no idea and then give him my half-baked theories.

What I really want to know is:
1) Does Estrace (Estrogen) 6 mg vaginally increase temp?
2) How long does it stay in my system?
3) Is there any way to not ovulate after a trigger shot?
4) Am I nuts? : )

Spe.culum Jokes? (and IUI #3)

So at my IUI yesterday, I didn't get a new room, so I don't have a new ceiling picture to post, but I did get a different Nurse Practitioner.  I am so glad I didn't get the first lady who couldn't get the catheter in and made me bleed.  I loved having my illustrious doctor himself the second time, but I knew it would be unlikely to be that lucky again.  So this spunky lady with short white hair walks in and says, "You want some sperm?"  I replied that yes I did want some sperm and the tone was set.

The next thing she said was "Wow, these speculums are all really big. You'd be really mad at me if I used one of these."  She then proceeded to find a smaller version and I thanked her.

It was pretty funny.  It was just so casual and not like what we were doing was a big deal.

(I advise you not to google image search "speculum" like I just did.  Gross.)

I told her that she's the third person to do an IUI for me and asked if she was my lucky charm.

Then the final speculum joke.  I guess I better take this out so that you can get out of here. Which led to a really weird discussion about reactions if she didn't take it out.  Obviously not even on the realm of possibilty.

It was all kind of over the edge of inappropriate, but it just seemed like her personality and was a funny contrast to the seriousness that surrounds most infertility visits.

The whole thing went smoothly and I waited 15 minutes after instead of 10.  The office was super busy and I felt a little stressed picturing them wondering when I would leave so they could open the room up, but I just kept saying to myself, "This is for you; you have to be a little selfish."

The ovary pain continued through last night.  It's not exactly painful, just weird and uncomfortable.  I didn't get it any other month on Clomid.  Maybe it's a good sign.

This morning my temp was not up but it was a weird week.  My usual post O temp is higher than 97.6, but I get a few occasionally 97.6's thrown in.  Wednesday was 97.6, but I was disturbed by puppy and Mr. GG's snoring so I discarded the temp.  Thursday was 97.5 and then Friday and today were both 97.6.  The only other explanation could be that the Estrogen caused higher pre-O temps and that now that I'm not taking it, I'm back to my normal range.  There's no real good way to know though and that's the part of this process that really freaks me out.

Did the HCG shot not trigger me?  Was the IUI at the wrong time?  I know none of this really matters because based on the size of the follie and my ovary pain, I definitely O'd or am O'ing right now.  And even if the IUI is 2 days ahead, it should still be good.  See my self-doubt and then rationalization?  My head swims circles in this vein of thought all throughout the day.

In other news, Mr. GG and I had sex last night.  Real sex.  Like with orgasms for both of us.  It had literally been a month.  I don't know why having sex becomes so hard even when it's pretty good sex.  Overall we've probably had more sex in this year and a half than in the previous one, but it's just different.  (I will have to cut this paragraph if I ever come out of the closet with my blogger identity!)

I plan not to test and do the same as last month meaning I will be trying to not post any symptoms or talk about the TWW (shh!) during the TWW.

Triggered Already, What?!

Two posts in a day...crazy, I know.

The first thing the NP said after she started the ultrasound was that my lining looked way better.  I literally asked "really?" with a huge grin on my face.  You see on the car ride to the RE's office, I prepared myself.  I said I would be upset (justifiably) with 5 like last month, ok with 6, happy with 7, and super excited at anything above 7.  Normal people usually measure 8mm and above.  She measured and it was 7, therefore, I am "happy". : )

Next she got to my left ovary and said there was nothing going on.  Nothing?  Hmm...  Not reassuring.  Then on the right (which is definitely tender) she found 3 follies: at 21, 17, and 14mm.  I've never had a 21 on CD11 before.  She said because of it's size it looked like I would surge soon and we decided to trigger instead so that I could avoid those hateful OPKs and get everything set and scheduled tomorrow.  And also to avoid ovulating before my appointment.

I'm going to ovulate on CD12 this month.  Crazy!  That means my cycle will only be 25 or 26 days. 

Just the other day Mr. GG was saying, we're ready for the IUI already?  It seems like we just did one.  I totally agree.  What a difference a week shorter cycle really makes!

I also excited that we're doing an IUI 24 hours after trigger.  For the first IUI I didn't surge until the afternoon and had already O'd by my appointment in the morning.  Last month we did it 36 hours after.  I didn't temp, so I don't know if I O'd before or after that.  But 24 makes me feel like I'll O right after the IUI which seems perfect.

If you're counting this pushes my due date forward to October 20th...  Yes I know it's silly to know that every single month.

And since I wrote this in the afternoon and am posting at night, I'll also mention my meltdown tonight.  I'm stressed that we haven't had ANY sex on our own this month - well since before last month's IUI - and that somehow I will ovulate before my IUI tomorrow not that it would be the worst ever but I really want to O after.  And I'm tired from the puppy keeping me up and I had a big department meeting that I had to plan and it's the end of the semester so grades are due on Monday and I have a ton of essays to grade and Mr. GG didn't answer his freaking phone until 3:00 today...didn't even text me back and then I spiraled into a annoyingly horrible bad mood and ended up crying on the way home from picking up Chinese food.  And I'm not totally sure why...I really just think I'm tired and stressed.  End stream of consciousness rant.

E-Stim my Ovaries?

So I had my 4th acupuncture session last night.  I'm not sure if it's because I went slightly later in my cycle (Day 10) or because the first cycle was unsuccessful, but she tried a whole bunch of new things last night.

She put a lot more needles in, especially in my abdomen.  Usually she uses 4 there and about 6 more around my body.  Last night there were at least 6 in my abdomen and quite a few every else.  Then she asked if I minded using electrical stimulation to further stimulate blood flow to my ovaries.  I said sure!

The only experience I have had with e-stim was during physical therapy after I badly sprained my ankle in high school.  They attached something to my foot and all I remember is that it made my big toe twitch every time it pulsed. 

It was like this picture, but in my abdomen.  She connected the wires to just 2 needles, the ones right above each ovary.  She said I would feel a tapping sensation and that was basically what it was.  Weird.  And cool at the same time.

She also played a fertility meditation CD for me instead of the usual spa music.  I dozed in and out during the 2 meditations (it was 7 o'clock, dark, and the puppy has been keeping me from sleeping) but I remember a few things. 

The first one was about finding my true self at some point inside my body.  I'm not very experienced at meditation, but I'm very open to it and believe it has major power in controlling your body.  So I really tried hard to focus and do and feel the things the CD said.  I somehow pictured myself sitting on a lily pad in the "Om" pose but it was all centered in my chest and I was looking at myself from above.  Also weird.

The second meditation was about opening your heart.  There are a few statements that stuck out that I still remember today.  One, was to experience joy in your life, now, every day, don't wait for joy to come.  This is part of opening your heart to be ready for a baby.  I think it's such a fabulous statement that we all need to keep in mind.  The second I remember was opening the channel between your heart and your uterus.  I really tried and I think I pictured this happening (in an abstract art kind of way).  More weird.

I still think she leaves me in the room by myself for way too long - like 45 minutes.  I can't really handle more than 30 without going stir crazy, but otherwise I think it was a good night.

In other related news, I FEEL my ovaries this week.  They feel super full.  It's weird.  Hopefully that means that a few nice big follies are fighting for space in each one.  (And not that I've been over-stimulated - but there's no pain, just an odd feeling). My ultrasound is today - yay!  So I will let you know how it went soon.  I still feel that we're on track for the IUI on Sunday.  I'm having a little trouble temping accurately because of the puppy so I'm a little nervous about timing everything.  I'm doing my OPKs.  Did I mention last month that I bought like 4 different brands to make sure that I didn't miss it?  Yeah.  I hate them and they stress me out.  I'm doing the Clearblue Digital and the First Response both each morning.  I guess I probably need to add the afternoon starting today...HATE IT.  But maybe I'll trigger again and then I can stop worrying about it.

I hope all of you out there are doing well and are happy.  I know quite a few women that are in really difficult places right now both with hope after IVF transfer and dissapointment after interventions not working out and my heart goes out to all of you!!  Remember experience joy in your life, now, every day, don't wait for joy to come.

And reality sets in...

Oh my gosh, I am so tired!  I knew what a puppy entailed before I got one, but it was a bit of a shock to suddenly lose all of my independence in one day.

Mr. GG has work dinners M-W this week so it's just me and Stella after work.  Usually I stay at school until 3:30 or 4:00 even though we are done at 2:30.  That's out.  Also, when am I supossed to get my accupuncture and go to Yoga?  I know that I can't stop living my life and I won't, but until she's able to be outside during the day I feel bad leaving her alone for even a minute in the evening.

But I love her : ).  I'm trying not to cuddle with her too much so that she won't totally prefer me over the crate, but I do love her warm little body on mine.

Technically it's been 22 years since I've had a puppy and I forgot about the "mouthing."  I only know the term today because last night I googled "my puppy won't stop biting me."  I made sure to yelp loudly and quit playing whenever she was too rough but still, the constant gnawing is frustrating!

Everything is going pretty well though.  She was able to hold it for 3 1/2 hours twice yesterday so I think we're in the clear for no accidents in the crate.  I think we're going to get a dog walker to come for the mid-day exercise and feeding because Mr. GG's schedule is not very consistent.  Does $300 a month sound reasonable?  That's the cheapest I've been able to find for every day 20 minute visit.

We had one less night-time pee last night, but a lot more whining - probably because she had already slept all day!

And don't worry, I won't turn this into a puppy blog...

*************************************************************************

In other news.  Today is CD9.  I finished my Clomid (50mg) on 7 and started Estrace last night on 8.  I am really not fond of putting pills up my you know what.  Really not fond.  I am going to try to make a later accupuncture appointment today (after puppy potty time).  And hopefully I'll be on my way growing a really thick lining!  I'm going to shoot for 8mm since I've never been measured over 6 before (and 5 last month).

Ultrasound is on Thursday and I imagine IUI #3 will be on Sunday.

Maybe-baby's due date: 10/22.

I'm a MOM!!!

Her name is Stella and I'm in love : )

We adopted her from an animal shelter in our area on Saturday.  She's from a litter of 7 puppies.  Someone left them on the side of a freeway!

We were so lucky to get her!  She's been at the shelter since the beginning of January, but was recently with a foster family to prevent kennel cough.  She just got back to the shelter on Friday.  I'm pretty sure all of her brothers and sisters have been adopted by now.

She's a shepherd blend, two months old, barely over 3 pounds.

Mr. GG and I have been talking about getting a dog for about 4 months now.  We originally went to the shelter at the start of our search, but weren't committed yet.  Our biggest issue was breed.  I wanted a mutt, shelter dog and DH went from wanting a Pug, to a French Bulldog, to I don't know what.

He's been travelling a lot of the last few weeks for work and so I told him on Wednesday that we were getting a dog on Saturday and he went with it : ).

We went back to the same shelter and saw a lot of great dogs, but really liked these puppies.  Mr. GG was really not convinced that we needed a dog NOW, but he's a sucker for a cute dog.  I liked pretty much all of the dogs in the litter, but he preferred the runt.  I wanted to make sure he was fully in, so we went with his choice and she's perfect : )

We started crate training right away and she is totally comfortable inside the crate which is great.  She only let out a couple of yelps the each time she went in during the night Saturday and Sunday, but at 6 on Saturday morning, she was DONE!  She yelled like a banshee.  Luckily on weekdays, I get up at 6 so I thought it would be fine, but DH called to tell me that she pooped in the corner of our bedroom while I was brushing my teeth.  Arg.  We've got a long road ahead!
I'm nervous about leaving her today, but Mr. GG works near our house so he'll come let her out around 11:30 and then I'll be home around 3:30.  I hope she doesn't think we hate her!!  Fingers crossed today goes well!

What if nothing works?

I'm starting to consider what life would be like without a baby.  I mean ever.

You see I don't like to be told what to do.  And if none of this works, I won't be able to handle that last day, whenever it might be, knowing that I don't have a choice whether or not to have a child.

But really, it's always a choice.  I'm pretty positive that I'm not going to be a 5 IVF kinda of girl.  I think before (if) we start, we'll decide before-hand how far we are willing to go.  And then have the option to always add 1 more. 

I just want to be in control of this even though I'm not.

The number one thing that I'd want to do if I decide to stop trying to have a child is to go to Graduate school at Harvard and get my PhD in Education and then do something fabulous in the education world (beyond the classroom).  I didn't apply to Harvard out of high school and probably would not have gotten in, but I've always slightly wondered.  And I'm pretty positive I could get in now. 

I still probably wouldn't do it because my marriage (and husband's company) exists on the opposite side of the country from Boston, but we'll see. 

Next, I would travel ALL THE TIME.  I told Mr. GG that we would have to go to Europe every single year for a month.  Sure, I'm exaggerating and I had to fight hard to get Mr. GG to take a week and 2 days off for our wedding and honeymoon, but still.  That's what I would want.

And I told my sister this today.  That my future niece (she finds out the gender next Thursday) will hang out with me all the time and be my BFF.  I will morph into the BEST AUNT EVER (or the creeper aunt...hmm).

Anyway...please don't take this post as giving up all hope, but instead as planning for my future, whatever it may be.

Safely Aggressive

If Mr. GG had his way, we'd start IVF immediately.  His brain is so extremeley rational that he wants to give us the best chance possible each month.  He didn't seem impressed that the overall IUI success rate after 5 is 74% because each time it's still only 20% or less. 

So he's ready now.  Wow.

I did explain to him that it means lots of drugs and surgery for me.  And that I'd be taking new drugs that everyone says make you extremely angry and emo.  I also said that he should let the doctor go in and take out his sperm so that we can have similar experiences.

But...I think I'm ready too.  In two months at least.

I want to try this next Clomid IUI cycle.  And I really believe it has a good chance to work.  Then we will have our break month and will consult and see whether IVF is right for us.

The way I put it to the nurse is that we want to procede in the most safely aggressive manner.

I also want totake a second to reiterate why we are in a hurry.  DH turns 43 this year.  This was really my biggest fear in marrying him in the first place.  I want him to be around a long time for both myself and the kid(s).  So we don't feel the luxury of slowly moving through all of the steps.

And luckily, we do have the money, at least for one.

I'm still not sure how I feel about high multiple IVFs.  I'm pretty sure I would do a second if the first didn't work, but after that, I just don't know.  I guess I don't have to know that much right now.

**Sidenote to my wonderful readers...To my 17 followers, thank you!!  You are my inspiration for continuing to post time after time even when I'm not sure what to say.  To everyone stopping by, thank you also!  It's really cool to see that my blog is read all over the world and sometimes by over a hundred people in a day.  And like all bloggers, I majorly love my commenters.  If you have anything to add or just want to say hi, leave a comment!  My internet friends have truly helped me stay sane over the last year and a half, hugs to everyone : )**

On Repeat...

Recently, one of my favorite bloggers, Jesica at Just Smile and Blog, wrote a post entitled Two for Three.  Over her long course TTC she has only ovulated 3 three times and of those three has gotten pregnant twice (one current, one ended in miscarriage).  I sincerely hope this one is "the one" for her!

My stats are quite different.  I seem to ovulate like a champ, every single cycle.  That puts me at 1/18.  I wouldn't even bet on myself with odds like that.  And that "1" was so short-lived.

I finally looked up IUI stats to see "if I'm normal" and all that crap.  I'm not sure why I never ask about the long term plan when I meet with the doctor.  I think it's truly because I'm so optimistic that each new thing will work that I don't need to know yet what happens when it doesn't work.

Basically I have found that for each IUI, there is a 8-20% chance of getting pregnant (studies have found anywhere within that range).  That puts it just slightly lower than the normal person average of 20%.

After 5 IUIs, the average success rate is 74%, a much more encouraging number.

Once I started spotting at 11dpiui, I emailed my nurse and asked what the next steps would be.

The results: 1 more 50mg Clomid cycle with Estrace to thicken lining.

Then we reevaluate.  Apparently I have to take a month off meds after 3 cycles anyway.  This seems like a reasonable plan, so I'm on board.

I didn't cry this time.  I don't think I cried last time either.  I really think the only times I have cried are the first time I found out my sister was pregnant, the day of the chemical pregnancy, and the day I freaked out at the doctor appt.  It definitely has something to do with how long it's been.  I think it's becoming easier to accept AF than it will to accept a BFP.  It's been built up so much I feel like my BFP needs to be a super BFP.  But at the same time, it'll be ages before I'll be able to accept that it's real.  I barely accepted it the first time.

So anyway ladies, that's where I'm at right now.  Same place essentially that I have been since August 2010.  I'm not sure if I've said this on here or not (and don't feel like checking) but I kind of feel like I'm stuck in the same place while everyone around me is moving forward.  On repeat.  One of my fears was that my friends would start having round 2 of babies before I had one and it's starting.  Two people are pregnant with #2 and a few more are trying.

But the bright side is that the rest of my life is good.  Husband good.  Work good.  Family good.  It's just this damn baby thing.

Pregnancy Blogs

I've seen a lot of discussion around the land of infertility regarding what to do when an infertility blog turns into a pregnancy blog.  Many people stop reading, for understandable reasons.  But the irony is that every single one of us desperately wants our blog to become a pregnancy blog.

So here's my take:

I started blogging in September 2011 right at the start of my 15th cycle and right after my very first BFP turned into a chemical pregnancy.  I slowly started the process of subscribing to other people's blogs.  I don't subscribe frequently.  I have to either find someone who is at a very similar place as myself, or someone who has a really fantastic voice.  For example, I don't typically subscribe to blogs with recurrent miscarriage as an issue since I don't have that problem (yet?).  Unless that same blogger is doing Clomid + IUI, then I feel that we are similar.  I also typically only subscribe to people who are similar in age to me as well as who have been trying for a long time. But there are exceptions to every single one of these "rules."

I hope you don't find my policy rude or exclusive in any way.  I'm trying to learn more about my own journey and I feel that these bloggers who are like me will educate me the best.  After all, we read what we like.

In the initial months, if I saw a blogger was pregnant, I'd click away immediately and practically shielf my eyes.  (Pure jealousy.)

But the last month or two I have shifted.  I go straight to the pregnant blogger's timeline and see how they got to that stage.  Unless I was already subscribed to the blogger and know her journey...then I might stick around.  I'm finding a lot of comfort right now from finding ladies who have gone through a similar ordeal and were successful.  But I don't subscribe to these blogs.  I don't need daily pregnancy updates.  I'd have to hurl myself off a cliff after a few days.

I hope that when my blog goes pregnant (fingers crossed) that I will find a community of pregnant and scared shitless mamas-to-be from the infertility world so that I can continue to learn from them and share my own journey.

I don't hope that anyone who is still infertile continues to follow me, because that's not fair.  But I promise to try my best to know my audience and be sensitive to our extremely fragile emotions.

(Don't take this post to mean I am actually pregnant and keeping it from you!  I am 11dpiui.  I *might* test tomorrow, but I'm already preparing myself for the worst and might not test at all.  At the same time, I just feel like it's going to happen soon since I feel like I'm finally on the right track.  So that's all this post is about.) 

I guess I will have news for you by next Wednesday at the latest.

Expect more posts that are not about my TWW until then : )

Losing my mind? A Day in my life.

This post will be a little journal-style.

The alarm first goes of at 5:27, but I'm a habitually snoozer, so I finally get out of bed a few minutes after 6.  Mr. GG has an early morning flight to Bermuda so this is one of the few days that he's up at the same time.  I'm out the door by 6:25.  I've got my morning routine down to a science since I love to sleep : ).

 

We had a debate during first period.  It went great except for one boy, who I think was probably on drugs, yelling at the rest of the class while coming up with ridiculous comments.  I spent the first 10 minutes of 2nd period getting a VP to call him in and check it out.

It was a half day today so after meeting two students quickly after school, I dashed off with my two BF teacher friends to get a pita and a smoothie.  This is where I started to realize I was losing my mind.  It got out of the car but didn't have my car keys.  They were still in the ignition!  Luckily the car was off and the door was open and we had a laugh about it.

I called or emailed about 10 parents whose students are currently getting D's or F's and realized that for half of them, the parent doesn't have a clue, the other half, the parent doesn't give a shit, the other half again, the parent is at their wits end and has no idea what to do, and for all that one parent seems with it and says they will take care of it and not let it happen again. (Although he had no idea until I told him today, 2 weeks before the end of the semester.)

Then I met with the 24 year old brother of one of my AP students who is failing with a 40%.  I think he's been in class half of the days I've had him and I'm pretty sure he's high the rest of the time, or maybe the same time, I don't really know.  This older brother is trying to be the role model parent even though they both have two parents in their home.  Dysfunction.  I get it.  I counseled the brother to the best of my ability and commended him for what he's trying to do.

Ok...school day ended and that meant, acupuncture time!  But I called my sister (illegally while driving...shh! don't tell!) and she casually asked how this month was going.  That was the perfectly subtle way for her to ask how it was going without any pressure or weirdness and I really appreciated it.  She reminded me that she felt absolutely no symptoms the month she got pg and that she totally counted herself at.  That was exactly what I needed to hear today : )

Acupuncture went well.  She mentioned that the little bruise underneath my belly button that I noticed the other day is her fault.  I thought myabe my jeans button was rubbing off on me...it's the exact same spot, but no.  She also asked about the 3x2 inch eggplant colored bruise on my bicep - soccer injury.

I felt great after the appointment and went to Whole Foods to get dinner.  I leisurely went down every single one of the aisles, picked up some grapefruit, tangelos, celery, quinoa, and some sushi. 

During my shower I put conditioner in my palm while shampoo was still in my hair.  Again, losing my mind.

I treated myself to a small glass of Sauvingnon Blanc with dinner and then caught up on the computer while watching The Bachelor from last night.  I like the red head.

I was on my WB threads throughout the day and felt smiles and positivity from around the internet.  I love my internet friends : )  I feel the support and I also love having something to take my mind off of myself!

I hope you don't mind too much that I haven't been talking about the TWW.  I'm 8 dpo.  Not sure what the testing/waiting plan is for the month, but for now I'm just pretending nothing is happening and it's going surprisingly well!

Thanks for taking a rambling glimpse into my life (if you actually made it this far). 

Yoga and the Emergency Room

So I still haven't taken a yoga class, although I did pick up the schedule for the studio by my house.  On Thursday night I was planning to go, but it was my friend's birthday and she would have been alone if I hadn't gone to drink wine with her.  So of course I drank wine : ).  Then I planned to go this weekend, but by the time I looked at the schedule on Saturday, I realized they had all already passed.  And well today...I went to brunch with Mr. GG and again there are no afternoon classes.

Oh well.

But this post is really about an article about yoga that I just read in the New York Times Magazine, How Yoga Can Wreck Your Body.  It talks about all of the serious risks associated with yoga and the lack of public knowledge about them. 

I am switching to yoga for therapeutic reasons so I definitely don't want to be picking up any new injuries.  My primary issue right now is my neck.  After a particularly brutal soccer game 3 or 4 months ago, I was in extreme pain and could barely move my neck or upper back.  I had another flare up after watching tv looking 90% to my right for about 30 minutes.  My neck hurt so bad the next day that I actually went to the doctor.  She prescribed muscle relaxers and Ibuprofen.  I had my last flare up last week after about 10 minutes of being in an awkward position during BD time.  Yes...a sex injury : )  It wasn't uncomfortable enough at the time for me to move so I didn't.  Then, the next day, my neck wouldn't move.  Awesome.

The NY Times article talked about many neck injuries created from yoga, some of which led to stroke or brain damage because they push the neck past it's normal range and reduce blood flow.  The article is long, so you should read the whole thing, but the basic message is that some of the inverted and twisting poses can be very dangerous.  And that the most common area of injury is the lower back (my other weak zone), followed by the shoulder, something else, and then the neck.

I'm pretty good at knowing my own limits and I would never attempt a head stand no matter how strong I get because of my neck and the fact that it hurts my face to be upside down, but this article was a good reminder to listen to your body and not to think of yoga as a competition to push yourself further and further.

I know many of you practice a lot of yoga. It is truly great for lowering blood pressure, elevating mood, and even improving sex life, not to mention flexibility.  Just know your limits!

Exercise

I have been active my entire life.  I have played soccer since I was 8 and therefore was active for at least 2 hours 5 days a week up through high school.  Since then, I would say I average working out 2 times a week.  I play in two soccer leagues and in the summer I usually run 1 additional day.  Even though my working out is not super frequent, I can play soccer at a pretty intense level for 60 minutes so I feel like I'm in pretty good shape.  My weight has also been extremely constant...really since college, so that's good.

When I started reading baby boards, the topic of exercise came up occasionally.  I remember wondering if you can play soccer while pregnant and after searching the internet found a variety of responses.  Some girls play through the first trimester, some stop immediately.  I remember thinking "I'm definitely going to keep playing!"  Oh, how infertility changes things!

I've recently contemplating quitting soccer, a sport I LOVE to play.

I'm so glad I didn't when first TTC because it would have sucked to have not played for no good reason for the past year and a half.  But I'm also starting to become slightly crazy and I can't help but think, "well...I haven't tried NOT playing soccer."  Maybe that's why nothing is sticking.  So when my season ended before Christmas, I made the tough decision not to sign up for the next one.  And I've pretty much agonized about it ever since.

I think part of it is that I really do feel like we are on the right track and that IUI will work (now if not soon) so I don't want to commit to another 3 months season.  But it's really hard.  I had a game last night (4 dpiui) and I wasn't going to play but I read a post on Dr. Licciardi's Infertility Blog yesterday that said in a nutshell: please exercise.  The number one reason is that it increases bloodflow.  So I played.  And it felt good.  And I hopefully I helped the little embryo's home get a little nicer...

I'm not sure why some corners of the baby world advocate sitting.  I think it's just a normal part of fear, but it's definitely misplaced.

I still want to make the shift from soccer to yoga.  One reason is that I really plan on being pregnant soon.  (Trust me, that's weird to say for someone who's been trying for 18 months.)  And I'm also dealing with some neck issues that soccer is not helping.

But I at least resolve one thing.  I will keep exercising.  And I hope you do too!

Our TTC Decision

*Since I am "not thinking about babies" during this two week wait, most of my posts will be snapshots of the past.*

Mr. GG and I actually broke up before we got engaged after dating for about 3 years.  The main sticking point was children.  He knew I wanted them, he wasn't so sure.  He's 42 now (40 then, me 29) and had lived a long time without kids.  It was a sad, but no-drama break up.  We just had to do it. 

We continued to talk and there might have been some booty-call action, but we both started to date other people and try to move on.  Neither of us were happy being apart.  One day he told me that he couldn't talk to me anymore, that it was too hard.  In the long conversation that followed...via text of course...at some point I said that I would be ok with only having one kid.  I have always wanted two, like in my family.

Apparently, this willingness to compromise was all he needed and that along with the time to think without marriage pressure over his head, allowed Mr. GG to decide that he really wanted a kid (and me) after-all.

Since that day, our relationship really has been fantastic.  Even though our TTC journey has not gone as planned, we've managed to keep each other happy and feeling supported.

Because of Mr. GG's age, we knew we wanted to start right away after getting married.  So I had basically a year to start reading the Weddingbee baby boards and get myself ready and psyched up for actually having a baby.  I had already started taking prenatals.  I took my last pill halfway through our honeymoon...and there it began.

I thought then that my son or daughter would be 6 months old by now.

IUI #2: Baby Taylor

I am in Champagne Bakery cafe waiting for 10:15 and IUI #2. Mr. GG is coming this time. Last time he had a conflict, but it didn't end up happening, so I got annoyed. I bought the book Tinker, Tailer, Soldier, Spy at Barnes and Noble on my way to meeting him here because I knew that he would have trouble waiting for 10-15 minutes after the IUI was finished.  I realize him getting to work at 11 is not a good thing.  So while we were eating, I told him we'd start reading the book together while we were waiting afterwards.  (He's been wanting to read the book and we decided last week to read it together.)  Apparently, he thought he would be lending his support from the waiting room. Wait. What? What's the point of you staying if you're not IN the room when our baby is artificially conceived?

I always talk about how supportive Mr. GG is, and it's true.  He's extremely supportive, does not get stressed easily and has been a huge help through this process.  BUT you haven't heard me gush about how emotional he is.  Mr. GG locked up his deep emotions long ago and I like to joke that he doesn't have any.  Harsh, but kind of true.  I wrote him 2 full pages in the wine box ceremony letter that we opened on our first anniversary.  He wrote like 3 sentences and of course it was mostly sexual.  He loves me and makes sure I know it.  And he's cuddly too, but he just does not gush emotion.

I think being present for the IUI is kind of on the same scale.  It's very intimate.  And it's awkward.  Feeling slightly argumentative, I asked him if he was planning on being present for the birth of our baby and he said of course.  So I said he should be there for it's conception too!

Mr. GG has one close friend who is currently PG through IVF and has shared information with Mr. GG.  So I told him to text his friend and ask if he was there through his wife's IUIs.  Mr. GG honestly thought that he would be right on this one, but I knew better.  I am not a very demanding wife (demands don't work on Mr. GG) but most wives will demand their husband be there during something like this.  And the other half do not have to demand it because the husband actually never considers not going.

Anyway.  I was right.  And Mr. GG and I both felt better I think.

Here's today's IUI picture.  I was in a different room : )

I was really lucky again today.  Dr. Hummingbird himself performed the IUI!  Last time the lady almost killed me trying to get the catheter in.  This time I felt almost nothing.  It was fabulous.

Also Mr. GG had rock star numbers.  I think it made him feel really good : )  His count was 285 million!  And motility was 85%.  I specifically asked them whether we really had to abstain and they said yes.  I think no.

And if you are new to this blog.  This is my second 50 mg Clomid cycle.  I also used 6mg Estradiol vaginally CD11-CD13 to increase my lining from 5mm.

I'm feeling very positive right now.  Mr. GG commented that he likes when I'm very optimistic, but then it's funny how in 2 weeks I'll be cussing and saying I want to quit.  It's true...when I have something to hope for, I can easily hope.  Before ovulation I have no hope that I'm currently pregnant and I hate the world.

But now we're in the good time.  I'm sticking to my no temping resolution and I'm planning on sticking to a 14 day stick no testing policy as well.  You might have to help me out with the second one.

And if we get pregnant this month (#17 or is it 18?), we just might have to name the baby Taylor : )