7 Weeks

I'm at a slightly different place mentally than I thought I would be at 7 weeks, but I am still very thankful that the IVF worked.  I would have been devastated if nothing had shown up on the ultrasound on Tuesday.

*     *     *     *     *

Here's what's going on with me:

I am so bloated that I can only wear 2 pairs of pants that I currently own.  I never really bloated in my life, so this is new and extremely uncomfortable.  My bloat bump is total second tri.  Hot.

I'm exhausted.  The exhaustion really ramped up this week.  On days where I haven't been able to nap (which seems like way too many lately) I have moments when I seriously can't think straight.  I'm tired as soon as I wake up (although I'm sleeping pretty well besides peeing 2-3 times a night) and I feel like I need a nap by noon.

I'm hungry all the time, but I never really feel like eating anything.  I still can.  But then I feel super full really quickly.  I've always had a hard time deciding what to eat, so I really need to figure this one out and get a routine if possible.

I'm mostly craving carbs and cheese.  (I might have bought an Easy Mac yesterday.  Haven't had one of those since late nights drinking in college.)

My digestion is highly active I guess you could say.  I've had bouts of constipation, but nothing lasting.  I've been eating a lot of fruit so that might be helping.  Gas is ridiculous.  (Sorry.)

*     *     *     *     *

Regarding the quad issue, I'm feeling much better as time goes on.  There's nothing for me to do until next Wednesday when we have our next ultrasound.  Things could change at any moment, so I'm going to try not to worry about it too much.

I also want to say how awesome Mr. GG is.  He's extremely rational, so he's laid out of the things we need to think about and we go from there.  We are able to joke about things which really relieves the tension.  He's also been doing a lot of research which makes me feel like we are totally in this together (obviously we are) but seeing him take an active role is really great.

Thank you all SO much! And the longer version.

I really appreciate all of the super supportive comments!  I felt like I needed a whole post to say so.

Every time I think about what's going on inside of me I feel slightly sick.  It feels kind of like a science fiction alien type of thing.  But I also think it's all going to work out.

A few things that DH and I talked about before leaving the appointment:

1)  We're still glad we transferred 2.  Because if just 1 was triplets, we'd have a huge risk of miscarriage as well as a huge risk of a continued pregnancy.  So we're glad we have the singleton.

2)  We won't decide anything now.  We have to see how everything progresses of course.  The NP said she had seen the exact same case (once) and that that it resulted in a singleton birth.

A note about selective reduction: it typically takes place during the 12 week.  You cannot selectively reduce a "part" of multiples, for obvious reasons.

Let me tell a little more of the "story" now that I got the news out.

The NP that walked in was the funny one which kind of put me at ease, although I felt like puking all day before the appointment.  (Nausea or anxiety? Not sure.)  She also had an intern with her.

Immediately we saw "something" but it was really fuzzy so I didn't have time to feel relief until we saw the 2 "somethings."  We saw 2 eggs sacs right away, right next to each other.  When she went to measure the fetal poles, we still didn't see the third.  But then Mr. GG saw it, then the intern saw it, then we all saw it - a third heartbeat.

At this point I had no idea they were all in the same sac(?).  Then she said "I haven't looked at the other one yet, there are 3 here." And I had to ask her to repeat herself.

When we got to the other side, sure enough, there was another heartbeat.

At one point I laughed.  At another, I covered my eyes.

I kept looking at Mr. GG to gauge his reaction, but he had his eyes glued to the screen and just kept asking questions.  Mind you this is my husband with whom I agreed to only have 1 child before we got engaged.  We have joked about seeing 3 - but like a hilarious impossible joke.  4?  Inconceivable.

The ultrasound took A LONG time and they took  A LOT of pictures and measurements.  I'll put them in another post.

Then finally, we had time to discuss what all of this actually meant.

She was very surprised, but very honest about how rare this is and also how there are no guarantees of what will happen and that weeks 6-8 are the most dangerous weeks (for miscarriage).

Your support means the world to me and makes me hopeful that I might be able to talk about it in the real world.  I'll be careful though.

I didn't prepare for this.

There are 4.

FOUR.

Excuse me?  What was that?

1 is normal.  1 is identical triplets.  The odds of that are like crazy small.  Why am I on that end of the odds now?

I feel like I can't tell people.  Because we will not have 4 babies.  And I don't want to be judged.

The next step is to go back in a week and see how everybody is doing.

Triplets do not have great odds of making it.

I really want to be excited.  But I didn't prepare for this.

It all might work out perfectly.  But now I have something brand new to worry about.

I'm in total shock.

I guess that's all.

(Except that I ask those of you who know me in real life not to say anything.  We are only telling family.  We don't want anyone else to affect our decisions.  Thanks for your continued support.)

Oh and I dropped my phone in the toilet (for the first time ever) before the appointment.  Now I have no speaker.  Awesome.

Trying to Prepare Myself

There seem to be a ton of first ultrasounds in the next few days.  I know of at least 5.

This TWW hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be.  I had enough symptoms to keep me occupied and enough business at work to stress me out like crazy.

But the closer it gets, the more nervous I get.

I had a dream the other night that it was triplets.  But that's not what I'm really nervous about.

People have asked if I care whether it's 1 or 2.  I really don't.

I find myself preparing myself for the worst.

I truly believe everything will be ok.  I have no reason to believe it won't be.

But until tomorrow, I really have no idea whether this is real or not.

Which is tiring!

People are excited for me...but I always tell them - wait until Tuesday.  Then we'll be a lot more confident.

I'm tired of waiting.  I want to hear a heartbeat and see a baby and then believe in this pregnancy.  I want to buy books and borrow things from my friends with babies.  But I haven't done anything yet.

Until tomorrow...

6 weeks (plus 1) - And Memorial Day Weekend

It's been a busy week with a busy weekend coming up.

There are 2 weeks of school left (and I thought there were 3) so lots of papers to grade and loose ends to tie up.  Also, lots of parents of students with D's and F's to call.  (My absolute favorite part of my job! Blech.)  On that note I got a few parents who don't speak English and therefore cannot support their students very well.  A few parents who are upset.  A few who are surprised.  And 2 that are like "I have no idea what to do!"  I feel so bad for them because I don't have the answer either.

This weekend is pretty much all booked.

Tomorrow, my sister and I go to our Dad's to celebrate his birthday.

Sunday, we are meeting our friend's new baby (our friends who did IVF).  I'm very excited (and kind of worried I'll cry!)

Monday, we have 2 separate parties to go to.

*     *     *     *     *

But you'd probably rather hear about symptoms.

The biggest change is in my appetite.  I went from wanting to eat everything in site to not wanting to eat at all.  I'm still kind of hungry, I just don't feel like eating.  I'm wondering if this is the beginning of aversions...we'll see.

My boobs continue to get more and more store, but they are always 50% worse in the middle of the night.  Anyone else have that issue?  It started a few weeks ago on the outside of each boob and is slowly moving it's way higher (into my armpits) and around to the middle of my chest

I get occasional heartburn.

Constipation also comes and goes but has not been a problem (I hear the key is fruit.)

The teariness faded last week but is definitely coming back.  I cried on the way to work today listening to a radio story about a mom who called Marvel comics because her 4 year-old son didn't want to wear his hearing aids because super heroes don't wear hearing aids.  Marvel responded first by sending the comic of one of the Avengers who has hearing loss and wears a hearing aid.  But then they created a brand new super hero just for this boy that had a special blue hearing aid (like the boys) that helped him hear where there was trouble around the world.  So sweet!

*     *     *     *     *

The BIG ultrasound is in 4 days.  I think the weekend is the best way to make the time fly.

I'm feeling really confident since I feel like my symptoms are changing and getting stronger, but I'm definitely worried at the same time.

I think if I the the heartbeat (or heartbeats) I will start to feel really positive about this pregnancy.

I hope, hope, hope!

And by the way, I'm feeling singleton at the moment...mostly because symptoms are not too strong, but we will see.  I know I'll feel a bit of a shock if I see two!  And so will DH...he might pass out! : )

Have a happy and safe weekend!

Why I Love My Job (Part 2)

Ok...time to get myself into a better mood.  I started by getting a Caramel Apple Spice from Starbucks (since I'm not drinking any caffeine - not even decaf).  Now let's write a happy post.  One I've been planning to write all week.

My seniors graduate in 3 weeks.  Since I teach 10th and AP, I have had a dozen or so of my students for 2 years.  I also have about 5 that I coached in soccer or field hockey.

At the end of the year, I have the students write thank you letters to 3 of their teachers.  Some chose me.  I look forward to these letters every single year.  Because this is why I do my job.

*     *     *     *     *

Here are some excerpts:

"You've not only been a teacher figure in my life, but a mentor.  I know I can come to you with anything and you'll give me great advice." (one of my Freshman soccer players and 2-time English student)

"...you were almost more of a mentor to me rather than my English teacher.  You taught me more than just English, you taught me life lessons.  Such as valuable communication and people skills, how to present myself." (the kid I gave a referral for possibly being on drugs after a crazy group discussion)

"I have never learned so much in an English class before and I actually enjoyed it...What's nice about you is that you get to know your students on a personal level.  That way they are not just students to you but actual people who have certain problems besides not being able to do multiple choice well."

"I feel I've been spoiled the past two years to have such a passionate and understanding teacher.  In my sophomore year you taught me how to read literature, and this year you have taught me how to write.  I cannot express how much you have influenced the person that I have become."

"...with your warm welcoming style of teaching you pushed me to places I thought I could never go."

"Throughout all of elementary school, middle school and my first quarter of high school, I could not see the point of having an English class.  However, your teaching opened my eyes and showed me that a simple sentence can have a thousand meanings behind it."

"You're the only teacher I know that can give out thousands of projects but actually have an impact on my learning."

"I loved those days when you would show us YouTube videos and your wedding photos!" (I was pretty casual with my 6th period AP class at times...we were tired. : ) )

"No matter how much we had to annotate, write essays, and go through what seemed like millions of multiple choice questions, it was all worth it because it really did prepare me for the AP test."

"You have helped me be able to manage my time more efficiently and also helped me have more hope in my mother being able to fight cancer.  If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have know who to go to for help....P.S. My mom's recent CAT scan has shown that her cancer has reduced!" (A student living with his 20 year old uncle while his Dad is in Seattle and his mom is in Hong Kong to get cancer treatment.)

"First of all, I would like to thank you so much for being honestly one of the greatest teachers I've ever had.  My freshman year, my love for English class began to die down due to the lack of actual learning happening. But then, I had you the next year and I feel in love with English all over again."

*     *     *     *     *

I truly love these kids.  This is why I do my job.  I should probably submit this to the local paper!

It's the hormones that are making me bitchy, right?

I'm not the calmest driver, but I usually only get angry at the worst bad-driving offenders.  Either they've surrounded me the last 2 days, or I'm turning really bitchy.

I chewed a student out yesterday too.  He totally deserved it.  He's deserved it for months.  He's the kind of kid that always denies everything I say he's done.  "I wasn't sleeping."  "I wasn't talking." Etc.  Well yesterday I warned the class that if they slept during Romeo and Juliet, they would get a zero on their notes and would have to go to another classroom to do an alternate assignment.  When I politely reminded the student of this  - a warning - he said "What is the point of watching this anyway?"  I said "Fine, don't" and got materials ready for the other class (after he denying doing anything and argued with me.

I rarely let my temper surface at school, mostly because it's not my character and it's hard for me to get yelling-angry.  But I let him have it.

Last night was fine, but this morning the rage is back.

It could have to do with Stella peeing on my bed at 4 a.m.  What the hell?  She is completely potty trained.  We don't let her sleep with us.  But we do let her up with us in the early morning.  (We leave the door open down stairs.  Often, she comes up for a second, then goes down to pee, then comes back.)  Today she just peed, then left.  At 4 a.m.  It's only happened once before - about a month ago.  I think it's because DH is out of town...she's punishing me?  Great.

So if this is moodiness.  I've got it.

*     *     *     *     *

I also must say something about the losses this week.  I don't follow everyone who experienced a loss this week, but I do follow Belle at Scrambled Eggs.  I am so sad for her and everyone else.  I so wish there was something I could do to make it better, but it's pretty much impossible.  So just sending my love.

And ICLW-inspired Summary

I signed up for this month's ICLW right at the end of last month's close and SO MUCH has happened since then!

My first IVF was a success (so far) and I am 5 weeks 4 days pregnant.  I'm feeling tired, my boobs are sore, and I'm having some other random symptoms, but they come and go in frequency and intensity so often that I often doubt that I'm really pregnant.  Although I really have no good reason to believe I'm not.

My husband and I have were TTC for 20 months, since the middle of our Costa Rican honeymoon.  We had a chemical pregnancy last September in month 14 which spurred us to go to see an RE.

I started acupuncture in January, and have done 3 unsuccessful Clomid IUI cycles since then.  We started our first IVF with an antagonist protocol in April, had our retrieval April 26th and our transfer of 2 embryos 5 days later.

Our first ultrasound is in 8 days and I can barely handle the wait!  I'm sure my husband thinks I'm completely crazy by now, but I guess that's part of this pregnant after infertility adventure!

I hope you follow along!  Leave me a comment and I'll come and visit you too!

An Exhausting Day!

Shower season is officially over!

My sister's shower went off without a hitch...although I was not thrilled that a few people showed up early because my mom and I were definitely not ready until exactly at 2:00.

My favorite part of the day was a game I made up. (I'm sure someone else has made something similar - but I came up with it myself this week.)  I had each of the mom's come up with 5 facts about their my sister and brother and law while growing up.

Some examples:

• First letter written to mom said "I will never speak to you again unless you buy me a donut."    

               (My sister)

• Got head stuck in chair slats at baby-sitters.

               (My brother in-law)

The game had everyone laughing.  Embarrassed my sister just the right amount.  And fit with the raising a baby theme.

We did some standards; cut a ribbon that it the circumference of mom-to-be's bump, name the baby food (one of the "gourmet" ones was chicken mango risotto - apparently it smelled quite horrible), and name the celebrity baby.

After presents I played the YouTube video of Go the F to Sleep narrated by Samuel L. Jackson sine only a couple of people at the party had heard of it.  That was a hit.  Then I showed the video of a lion at the zoo trying to eat a baby through plexiglass and the Jimmy Kimmel "I told my kids I ate their Halloween Candy" and "I gave my kids a horrible Christmas present."  If you haven't seen any of these; watch them!

It was a nice conclusion since people didn't seem ready to leave quite yet.

My wonderful friend made both cake pops and cookies and they were FANTASTIC!

Here's a pic:

They were adorable!

I got my sister a diaper bag and filled it with stuff I thought she might not know I needed.  (She's the pregnant one - but I read all of the baby sites.)

I got her:

• Butt Paste, Burp Clothes, a Pacifier Clip, Shampoo and Lotion, a Nursing Cover, Boogie Wipes, and Hand Sanitizer. 

Hopefully she likes it because I went completely off registry!

Besides the cleaning I did on Thursday and the shopping on Friday, I basically worked from 8:30 in the morning until about 5:30 non-stop.  I was EXHAUSTED last night.

But it was worth it : )

I also had many thoughts that I was not pregnant yesterday.  I think it's because I was so busy that I wasn't able to notice all of the usual symptoms.  But I have no reason to doubt and I'm still feeling stuff today.  9 days until ultrasound!

5 Weeks!

5 weeks sounds so much more official than 3 and 4 weeks!  I am a full week past when I should have had a period and the baby(ies) have been growing for 3 whole weeks!  Pretty cool.

I definitely have some paranoia.  I've researched ectopic pregnancy quite a bit.  I've also had recurrent dreams about spotting.  Just dreams though, no spotting.

Yesterday I thought that maybe my boobs were less sore.  But to relieve my anxiety, by night-time, they were about as painful as they've been yet....YES!!!

I still feel a lot of random twinges and such, but nothing intensely painful except a few short muscle spasm.  Those were weird.

My abs are really sore, and not just the lower ones.  That seems weird too.  I'm not working out besides walking the dog and I really don't feel like I could at the moment.  But I want to start ramping up the walking a bit.  And maybe start yoga again, but I'm afraid of twisting and stretching far due to discomfort.  Maybe it's from the IVF.  I've also worried that I have mild OHSS.  I haven't really gained any weight, but I am massively bloated.  (Hopefully my kids haven't noticed that I've worn the same pair of jeans 3 times this week.)

I am hungry often and need to eat immediately or else I get extremely jittery.  I had to buy a bag of jelly beans just to finish shopping at Party City with my mom the other day.

I'm peeing nearly once an hour even when it seem like I haven't had that much to drink.  But I'm also way more thirsty which is making it easy to get the right amount of water in me.

I'm also very gassy, but that one's not so fun to talk about : )

Other than that, I feel really good; no food aversions, no real cravings.  Although I'm starting to freak out about eating leftovers.

I'm super tired too.  Like I mentioned before, I occasionally take a short nap during my prep period, around 11.  And luckily for me, Stella is so excited about getting out of her crate when I get home, that she leaves me alone for a good 45 minutes or so which gives me another nap.

The Next Two Week Wait (and Beta #2)

The wait for this beta was excruciating!

For the first beta, I was pretty positive it would show that I was pregnant because the pregnancy tests could detect enough HcG to be positive.

But now I have no way to know if things are progressing appropriately!  So to say I was anxious is an understatement.

Although this blood draw caused me to get sticked 3 times (seriously?), I got an early call back which was fantastic.

And the new number:

1695!!!!

That makes a doubling time of 33.53 hours.  (Normal range is 31 to 72 hours.)

Could this mean twins?

I'm hoping yes for now - just in case one has an issue.

And now the biggest two week wait?  I was debating with myself if they are equally as hard or if this one is harder.  I think it maybe edges the IVF wait out, but that one was REALLY hard.

My first OB appointment is in exactly 2 weeks on May 29th.  I'll be 6 weeks, 5 days.

I really cannot wait!!

Ok...now for a story.  The front desk lady at my RE is awesome.  She knows everyone's names.  She greets you by name when you walk in so you don't have to "check in" or anything.  When I went in for my first beta, I was dying to tell someone that I was pretty sure I was pregnant, but no one asked (I'm sure they know better) and so I didn't say anything.  The same thing happened today except that I didn't really expect them to ask.  Somehow I called Mr. GG at the exact same moment the NP was calling with my beta results so she left a message.  I had to call back to make my first OB appointment.  The correct front desk lady answered (there's another one who isn't as awesome) and said she was so excited for me and I said how excited I was back and then I hung up the phone and nearly started crying.  Besides seeing the very first positive test, that moment was the most overcome with emotion I've been so far.

This pregnancy has felt kind of real.  But getting the second beta and booking my first appointment and talking to the front desk lady about it makes it seem more real.  :  )

Survivor's Guilt

There is always a downside about being part of a group or a community.  Especially when it surrounds something as difficult as infertility.  Whenever there is good news, there's often an equal amount of bad news.

I've been on the Weddingbee TTC boards since before my wedding.  There were 3 ladies going through IVF at the same time that I was.  The first got a BFP, even a positive beta, but it ended in a chemical pregnancy.  I was the second.  And the third, Aly at Breathe Gently, never got a BFP.

I knew from the beginning that having all 3 of us go through it at the same time (as well as many of you in this community) was great from a support aspect, but very dangerous on the results side.  I knew that not all of us would be successful (just based on odds) and that it would be really difficult to navigate the aftermath.

I know I am nowhere near out of the woods.  But I can say this.  My IVF worked.  The next part relies on the embryos.  But I definitely feel survivor's guilt.  Since, for now, I am a survivor.

I want everyone to continue with me.  I don't want to see them sad.  Especially at such a difficult time like Mother's Day.

I'm also not used to this situation.  I've grown accustomed to being the one who is left behind.  On the same Weddingbee board, there are maybe two people that have been trying longer than I have.  All of the rest have "graduated."  I'm really good at offering advice.  I can be very pragmatic and rational.  But I am much less skilled at offering condolences.  I always feel that whatever I say is going to be taken in the wrong way or is going to make someone feel bad, not better.

But because I have been there, I know that the most important thing is to not leave these women behind.  To continue to offer them whatever support I can.  Because that's what I have wanted.  Many of my "friends" got pregnant while I was trying and only a few kept in touch and continued to see how I was doing.  JHo, Winniebee...you two in particular really made an effort and I appreciate it.

I am going to be excited about this pregnancy.  How can I not be?

But I still feel a little sad that I have made it through (so far) when others haven't.

I totally understand if some of you dont' continue to follow every part of my journey, but I promise to follow yours.

Lots of love ladies!
-Sarah

Wild about Auntie! (Shower #1)

The grandma's-to-be hosted the shower today so it was a breeze for me! (I'm hosting next week.)

I was really proud of my present and couldn't wait for my sister to open it!

How freakin' adorable is that onesie?  I found it at Target and HAD to have it.

At the last shower, one creative lady put little stuff on a clothesline...she got lots of "oohs and aahs" from the audience.  When I saw the socks, I thought that copying her idea would be perfect!  So I just added a couple of pacifiers and 1 set of stroller rattles and voila!  Super cute present.  I got the little clothespins and twine at Michael's.  Tip:  Pull the twine up into the joint of the clothespin so that the items don't slide around.

In my head I want to plan a "Pinterest" worthy shower for my sister.  But realistically, I don't have the time to commit or the tools of creativity to make it possible...all I've really got are the ideas.  I'm going to try to stick to a blue and yellow color scheme, but that's about it.  I'll definitely show you how it turns out.

At the shower, one of my mom's friends said "I'm probably not supposed to know, but I want to say how excited I am for you."  I couldn't really have expected my mom to keep it a secret since I can't keep secrets either and since she's so excited.  But at least her friend was discreet!

I googled about everything related to cramping and miscarriage last night.  I have absolutely no reason to worry right now, but for some reason it seems that when I get good news, I have to pick something new to worry about.

I also dreamed that I was spotting.  I'm not though.  Love the crazy dreams.  They are no joke!

I also got some answers from the nurse at my RE.  My first ultrasound will be anytime after 6 weeks, 3 days.  Then they'll do about 3 before releasing me to the regular OB at 9 weeks.  (And this is covered under the IVF cost...very happy about that.)

Still moving along...

Beta #1

is.....233!

I was pretty sure it would be positive after the 5 FRERs and one digital that said the same thing.  Today's line showed up immediately and may be darker than the control.

But there was something about hearing it from the nurse's mouth that made it seem so much more official!

My follow-up beta is on Tuesday.  Then I'll have an OB ultrasound after the 29th (6 1/2 weeks).

I definitely teared up looking at Mother's Day Cards when I saw the "Mommy-to-be" ones.  I had to look away.

Today I have also officially passed one of my personal milestones - this is the most pregnant I've ever been.  Last time (you can read about it here, Worst Day Ever), I only made it 4 1/2 days (14 1/2 dpo).  I can totally tell the difference too.  There's a lot more going on in my body this time and the lines are MUCH darker!

Today is 15dpo (or 10dp5dt) and I'm feeling about the same.

• Tired - taking a mid-morning nap during my prep period

• Crampy - at times I've winced out loud!  While walking into the RE today I had to stop for a really intense muscle cramp-like feeling in my uterus (really small spot). Boob soreness - same; not extreme

• Teary - often

• Light-headed when I get up too fast.

• Peeing more frequently (does once per period yesterday count as frequent?)

• And I'm hungry much more frequently - mostly craving cheese.

I want to wish everyone a fabulous weekend.  If you are dreading Mother's Day, I sincerely hope that this will be your last without good news!  And if you're a mom or mom-to-be.  Happy Mother's Day!

The "P" Word

I feel like if I say it out loud, I'll jinx it.

To the people I've told, I've said "I took a test (or 3) and it was positive."  Not, "I'm pregnant."

It just feels really, really weird.

I haven't give you pictures yet, so here are the 3 good ones.  The line is definitely getting darker and today it started showing up immediately, yay!

I know it's super blurry, but Mr. GG is out of town, so I was on dog duty and still had to leave at my normal time...the kids don't wait.  So I had to just take one.  It's pretty clear though!

And luckily, I do have some symptoms to help keep me believing.

Mainly, cramps.  I definitely know what people mean when they say they felt like their period was going to start.  The cramps are slightly different and more focused in my uterus, but I definitely feel stuff.  Some days (or hours) it's just like a mild vague pressure, other times it feels more like AF cramps.  Some times, it's pretty strong.

My boobs have been sore since 2 days after transfer, but not nearly as painful as that second day.  Although it DOES hurt like a bitch when Stella steps on one. : )

I also get really light-headed when I get up quickly.  I guess that's common, but I need to keep working on hydrating and remember to get up more slowly.

And I cry a lot.  Whenever basically anything happens on TV.  It doesn't matter what.

I also noticed the a lot of blue veins on my boobs last night.

I know some of these can be attributed to the progesterone (which is going much better by the way...granny panties are a must), so I'm mostly focusing on the cramping and the positive tests to keep me feeling the P word.

Beta is Friday.  I'm already starting to google numbers even though I know that a bit crazy.

Husband is across the country until Saturday.

AP test is next Wednesday.

Sister shower #1 is Saturday.

Sister shower #2 is next Saturday.  (That's the one I'm hosting.)

Waiting, waiting, waiting and try to relax.

There's a Second Line! There's a Second Line!

Oh my goodness, I'm freaking out (but in a good way).

I got up this morning.  Peed in a cup.  Did the test.  Went to feed the dog.  Came back upstairs.  And immediately saw a second line!  I could not believe it!!!

I am SOOOO relieved!  I don't feel like this is it yet, but this shows that the IVF worked.  Now it's time to see if my embabies can stick.

Thank you for all of your fabulous support.

I was feeling really negative yesterday at 5dp5dt.  But I also realized that I didn't transfer until 12:30 pm...so it wasn't REALLY 5dt past yet.  I know the chart says HcG isn't in the system until later, but it's hard to believe that when you see lots of 5dp5dt positives.

I'm really excited to be a part of the BFP club now.  And I really hope all of these BFPs stick!

I can't make the pic of the test turn the right direction, so I'm not going to post it yet.  (It doesn't like as impressive when vertical.)

I also want to mention my symptoms.

• My boobs have been sore since the day after transfer, but the most sore was 2dp5dt, it's been less intense since then (which worried me).
• I had a "hypoglycemic episode" on Friday at school.  It had been 4 hours since I had eaten and I started shaking very suddenly and it was very scary.  I am not normally hypoglycemic although I do need to eat right when I'm hungry.
• Cramping was strongest the day after transfer, but I've just kind of "felt" my uterus since then.  Sometimes it's crampy.  But usually just a mild pressure.
• I've been tired - but I've been tired throughout this entire process so that didn't help much.
• That's about it.

How to tell your *infertile friend you're pregnant...

I starred infertile because I don't like the word.  I think the word infertile is part of the reason that infertility still holds the stigma it does.  How can I really call myself infertile when I'm spending so much time trying to have a baby?  If I'm infertile, I might as well give up now.  Fertility-challenged yes.  Infertile...no.

Anyway...every group needs a nice simple term.  And I guess this is the one we're stuck with.

*     *     *     *     *

As many of you know all too well, one of the hardest parts of this process is that we're not going through it in a bubble.  A bubble would be nice.  In my bubble, I wouldn't compare myself and my life to other people.  But I don't live in a bubble and people are getting pregnant and having babies everywhere I turn.

All of this stress is multiplied during IVF.  It just is.  And it just so happens that I have learned of at least 6 blogger and internet friends and 2 real-life friends that are pregnant in the last week or two.  Seriously.  I might talk about the pressure of knowing that not everyone of us can get a BFP in the same month later.

This post is about how to tell your infertile friend (me for example), that you are pregnant.

The following is a Facebook message I received from one of my good friends from college.  The last time I saw her was a few months ago and I told her about what was going on and the fact that I was about to try IVF.

Hey Sarah,
I have some news, and I definitely wanted to tell you this personally (although is a facebook message really that personal? - I don't know) before I did a public announcement in the next day or so. The Mr. and I are pregnant, around 13-ish weeks along right now. I actually found out a week or so after I saw you and had no idea, or else I definitely would have said something to you then.


I really really want you to know that I don't want you to feel like you have to respond to this right now, or in a week, or ever, if you don't want to. Or, if you want to, I'm all for that too. Seriously - whatever you want. I've been following your blog pretty much daily, and although I haven't said anything, I do want you to know that I am one of your faithful web (and real life) supporters. I read a lot of your back posts too, and I have to say, you have a way with words. Not just in that "I'm an English teacher so I write well," type of way, but you have a way of conveying a thought in a clear way that makes the reader understand exactly what that thought is. Your 103rd post re: Shakespeare definitely made me chuckle. I know that you are struggling with the idea of going public, and I can't say that I would be brave enough to do it if I were you, but if it does happen, I think that so many people would benefit from reading your blog.


Anyway, that is my news. I truly truly am hoping that you and Mr. GG. also get good news soon. 


Of course I responded immediately because it was such a sweet message!

And I knew that I wanted to publish it because I think it's a great model for others.

So if you need to tell your infertile friend that you're pregnant:

• First, tell them.  Right away (i.e. immediately if it's your best friend or sister that would tell the second your POAS, or after the first trimester if you're not telling friends until then).  Right before the public announcement is so much better.  It takes the shock away.  
• Second, be straightforward about what's going on with you.  
• Third, acknowledge that you know your friend is struggling and that you are supportive.  Don't skirt around the issue.  Don't make promises like "I know it will happen for you soon."  Just show support.  
• And last, don't disappear.  It might be hard for me (i.e. infertile friend) to make the effort, so if you really do care - call every once in awhile.  Ask questions about what's going on with me and that will make it easy for me to ask about you.  

Not that hard, right?

Auds, I wish you all the very best.  Thanks for supporting me!

5dp5dt

Well folks...it's not positive yet.

I was really hoping this would just be quick and easy, but I guess I have to wait a bit longer.

Mr. GG decided today's odds were 20% but our overall odds are 90%. (based in no way on science, but slightly taking the bell curve into consideration)

It was nice because it made a negative a bit easier (though not easy).

I'm scared and wondering of I still have symptoms (my boons are still sore but not as sore...I feel stuff down there but nothing specific...) but I'm holding off on freak-out mode until Friday's beta.

I might test tomorrow, but I also might wait two days.

As always, I will let you know!

The Lovely Blog Award (3dp5dt)

It's taken me a long time to write this after Ali at Not All Dreams Are Free tagged me, but I've been a tad busy as you might recall : ).  As soon as I saw her post, I thought it would be perfect for the 2WW...and here we are!

Here are my random 7 facts: (This gets harder each time!  Forgive me if I repeat something I've said before.)

1. I love my quiet time in the morning.  It's possible that I don't speak for at least an hour on most days after waking up, except maybe a couple of words to Mr. GG who's still partially sleeping.   My commute is 25 minutes and then if I'm early, I'm in my room by myself, like right now.  On the flip side, I get really cranky when someone wants to talk my each off at this time of the day.

2. I am so in love with the "farm to table" restaurant trend combined with lots of small plates for sharing.  I love to share food, mostly because I can never decide on just one thing.  Most of these places (at least where I live) also have such excellent decoration!  Last night I had Fried Squash Blossoms with Ricotta, Purple Pesto, and a lemon sauce, an Eggplant and Goat Cheese Pizza, and a Strawberry Remolatta with Pistachio Gelato and Meyer Lemon.  Oh and the most delicious non-alcoholic drink I've ever had:

I SUPER LOVE that these are now appearing on regular menus!

3. I'm quite a procrastinator.  And I really need to plan my sister's shower.  It's in 2 weeks.  I want it to be cool, so I better get on it.

4. I'm pretty frugal.  I think about things A LOT before I buy them and I don't make many big purchases.  So I looked at stuff at LuluLemon for ages before buying anything.  $88 for pretty much everything?!  Is it weird that having my husband buy it, even though it's really all our money, made it easier?  I got a whole outfit! : )

5. I still don't have a wedding album.  I bought it as part of our package, but never chose the pics for the photog.  It's a ton of work and then as time passed, I felt really awkward about it and then put it off more.  I need to get over it and get my album!

6. I think golf is the most relaxing thing to watch on the weekends.  Especially when you want to nap a bit.  It's pretty, they speak in soft soothing voices....  I enjoy the actual golf too.

7. I've never been to the South.  I've been to DC, Texas, and the Midwest, but that's as close as I've gotten.  I don't even think I've stopped at an airport in the South!  My mom just got back from Charleston and Savannah and loved them.  I need to go!  And to Florida so I can go to Harry Potter World.

*     *     *     *     *

I'm making you read all the way until the end to get today's update!

Stark white FRER. 

I never really expected one of the world's earliest BFPs, so I think it's good to see a definite white stick with no hint of trigger left.  So now, a line will be real.

I think I'll skip tomorrow and test on Sunday...(10dpo).

Symptoms:  (I quit symptoms spotting ages ago, but I have some that are new, therefore, more real.)

• Cramping.  Off and on...I get nervous when I don't feel it, but I do pretty often and it seems pretty central.
• Sore boobs.  I do not get sore boobs.  They were slightly sore toward the bottom on 1dp5dt.  Last night they were the most sore they have ever been, all the way around to the top and into my armpits. I felt like I needed to hold them when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  Right now (in the morning) I don't feel so much...
• Gas.  I'm not the least gassy person in the world normally, but it's been pretty constant and I haven't been eating anything weird.

2dp5dt

I witnessed a miracle yesterday.

It was the day after my transfer, a day on which many people stay home.

As soon as the embabies were on board, I became instantly nervous about going to school.  But at the same time, missing 3 days before the AP test is even more stressful for me, so I still went.

I was mostly nervous about the freshman before.  I actually joked to my sophomore, "Do you think I could just lock the door and not let the freshman in?"  Kidding, kidding.

We're reading Romeo and Juliet and I always have them make masks and then do an "Elizabethan Dance."  They always complain, but then really get into it.

But I wasn't sure if I really wanted to attempt this, the day after transfer, after having to yell at them for a bad sub report for the day of retrieval.

And miraculously...we had an amazing day!

First, they were all on time.  I'm not sure if that has EVER happened.  Then they paid attention and tried (as well as 9th graders can).

As a reward, I let them show me a little bit of how they dance.  Gross.  (I said no partners, nothing resembling anything inappropriate, etc.)  It was pretty funny though and scored me a ton of points with them.

Oh and one of my Sophomores just said "Mrs. GG, You're so pretty!"  Aww.  She made my year!

*    *    *    *    *

I was super crampy yesterday.  AF-like all-over crampiness (from my legs to my abdomen) - for most of the day.  My research shows that this is very common the day after a 5 day transfer and is generally a good sign.  

My boobs are also starting to hurt (they never do).  Since I've been on Progesterone since retrieval and they didn't start hurting until yesterday (and more today), I'm also taking it as a good sing.

I forgot to POAS yesterday.

Today there was a squinter.  But I've seen enough white tests to know that a squinter is really there.

I'm going to be safe and try to believe that's it's the remaining HcG (I'm 9 days post trigger shot).  But I will definitely test tomorrow and hope for either total white or darker.

The earliest BFP I've heard from someone I actually know (internet know) is 3dp5dt.  

My hopes are up and I'm terrified at the same time!

Embabies on Board!

Our transfer could not have gone better today!

Here are our two precious embabies:

They are 2 "good" blastocysts.  The left one is starting to hatch (out of the ICSI injection area).  

It looks like most likely that only 2 of the other blasts will make it to freeze.  But three others still have some potential.  We'll know for sure tomorrow.

I'm really excited and really happy, but I feeling the crazy coming on.

I'm also feeling like I really don't want to work (pretty much at all) but I feel like I have to be there for my students (before the AP test).  I'm not worried about being active, I'm just worried about stress and mental-health, etc.

*     *     *     *     *

Ready for the long version?

Although I took the day off and my transfer was not until 12:30, I couldn't get anything done this morning.  I just googled various IVF info and stats.  

Luckily I called the office to check whether I needed a full bladder and confirmed that I did not.  That was nice.

I expected a sterile environment and warned DH that he might have to put on surgical clothes.  But nope.  We were in a normal room and I got to keep most of my clothes on (except bottoms of course).

The embryologist had the incubator in an adjacent room and communicated with the nurse over intercom. Weird.  

First, the embryologist showed us pictures of all 8 embryos and we confirmed that we'd like to transfer the best 2.  She thought that two of the 3 remaining blasts would make it to freeze, but was unsure about the third and the 2 embryos that hadn't made it to blast yet.  The last 1 hasn't grown in days, so it probably won't make it.

Then the doc came in.  He inserted an empty catheter.  (I barely felt a thing! He is amazing!)  He showed us the fluid in my abdomen and in my ovaries and then my uterus. (He said it looked perfect.)  When he was all set, the nurse told the embryologist, then they turned the lights off (because embies don't like UV light).  So she carried our precious cargo (covered) from next door to our room.  The doc attached the syringe (I think) to the catheter already in place and inserted it.

He said to watch for a "white flash" when the embryos (in fluid) exited the catheter and I totally saw it!  That was it.  I sat there and stared at the two blobs that are our babies for about 20 minutes.  

(That's them...the two fish-looking bright white areas above the arrow).

Then I walked across the hall and had acupuncture.

And then I went home.

I have no idea when I should test.  I don't know what I can handle or not.  I just don't know.  

If anyone has any testing advice like when my trigger might be out, when you got a positive, etc, I would appreciate the advice.