There is always a downside about being part of a group or a community. Especially when it surrounds something as difficult as infertility. Whenever there is good news, there's often an equal amount of bad news.
I've been on the Weddingbee TTC boards since before my wedding. There were 3 ladies going through IVF at the same time that I was. The first got a BFP, even a positive beta, but it ended in a chemical pregnancy. I was the second. And the third, Aly at Breathe Gently, never got a BFP.
I knew from the beginning that having all 3 of us go through it at the same time (as well as many of you in this community) was great from a support aspect, but very dangerous on the results side. I knew that not all of us would be successful (just based on odds) and that it would be really difficult to navigate the aftermath.
I know I am nowhere near out of the woods. But I can say this. My IVF worked. The next part relies on the embryos. But I definitely feel survivor's guilt. Since, for now, I am a survivor.
I want everyone to continue with me. I don't want to see them sad. Especially at such a difficult time like Mother's Day.
I'm also not used to this situation. I've grown accustomed to being the one who is left behind. On the same Weddingbee board, there are maybe two people that have been trying longer than I have. All of the rest have "graduated." I'm really good at offering advice. I can be very pragmatic and rational. But I am much less skilled at offering condolences. I always feel that whatever I say is going to be taken in the wrong way or is going to make someone feel bad, not better.
But because I have been there, I know that the most important thing is to not leave these women behind. To continue to offer them whatever support I can. Because that's what I have wanted. Many of my "friends" got pregnant while I was trying and only a few kept in touch and continued to see how I was doing. JHo, Winniebee...you two in particular really made an effort and I appreciate it.
I am going to be excited about this pregnancy. How can I not be?
But I still feel a little sad that I have made it through (so far) when others haven't.
I totally understand if some of you dont' continue to follow every part of my journey, but I promise to follow yours.
Lots of love ladies!