SPRING BREAK!!!!!

I remember the Spring Break's of old.  In Mexico primarily.  1 cruise.  1 broken finger.  1 ill-advised hook-up.   (Out of 4 Spring Break's that's not too bad!)  LOTS of Tequila shots.

I'm starting out break in style...going clubbing!  Yeah, I'm a little surprised too.  I'm not really feeling it (or attractive) but one of my best friends just got out of a 10 year relationship and I feel obligated to help her get out.  Luckily all of my dresses fit...I just don't feel awesome in them.  I think I'm going to go with the one with sleeves...

* * * * *

But before I tell you about the rest of this break, I want to say thanks for a huge milestone.  My blog went over 10,000 page views this week!  Some of you old pros probably don't think that's a big deal, but personally, it's huge.  I never would have thought back in September that I would have found such a great community through blogging.  I knew almost nothing about it when I started.  So thanks for sticking around and inspiring me to share my life's details!  (It's really cut down on my Facebook posts!)

* * * * *

Back to break...

Baby Shower #1 is tomorrow.  (My IVF#1 success-friend.)  Can I just say how much I hate Babies "R" Us?  It's not just because the same 210 pack of diapers is $15 dollars cheaper next door at Target. (Seriously!  How is that even legal?)  And although I tried to look only ahead of me and block out any pregnant women or babies, that wasn't the biggest issue either.  The worst part was the organization.  It's impossible to find the stuff that's actually on the registry.  And the registry is super picked over because she already had a family shower in her hometown.  I challenge you to just try to find the "Blue" Boppy Cover.  That's all it says, "blue."  Well I saw tons of Boppy covers and none of them were just blue.  F it.  I'm going off-registry to get some cute stuff to open and then getting a gift card.

I can only stay at the shower for 2 hours anyway because DH and I are headed for a mini-break.  (I don't really say "mini-break" I just felt inspired by Bridget Jones and it does fit.)  We are going to spend 3 nights in Santa Barbara.  I super excited!!!  College me wasn't into wine-tasting and couldn't afford fancy hotels, but I think she would have approved.

Then will come the totally fun part of vacation.  I promised Mr. GG to clean out and organize the office.  I'll maybe take a before pic so you can all laugh at me.  It's been our dumping zone since the wedding.  I haven't been quite motivated to fix it because it will eventually become our nursery.  But however soon that may be, the stuff needs out.  And I will spend any leftover time grading papers and planning my units after break (like what to do before the AP Test!  Aaaah!)  What would college me say about this?  Probably that I am old.

Posting will probably be light (or non-existent) until I get back on Tuesday.

Updated IVF Calendar

So we moved everything up and it's completely settled now.  I'm happy because we start right away.  Now I will stop worrying about anything date associated.

• So I start Provera on 3/31 (that's Saturday!)
• I stop Provera and Estrace on 4/9
• I have my baseline ultrasound on 4/13
• Then hopefully retrieval between 4/24 and 4/27

Happy.

Overwhelmed. (IVF Consult De-Brief)

Ok, I'm overwhelmed.  I kind of hoped I was just dealing really, really well instead of holding some major fears deep down, but unfortunately, the latter is true.  (Personally, I hate the terms latter and former.  Every. Single. Time. I have to go back and figure out which one refers to which item.  Annoying.)

Because I am overwhelmed, I was unable to write this last night.  Just too much information to process.  I think I'm ready now, but I'm hoping it won't be just a confusing mess of thoughts and details.

I started to kind of freak out on my way to the appointment.  Muscles tight, slight shortness of breath.  But nothing too major.

We had to watch a stupid video at the beginning for like a half an hour, but it did cover all of the basics.

Then a lady came in to go over our calendar and protocol.

Here it is:

• Continue Estrace 
• Start Provera on 4/9 (with Estrace) - 10 days
• Baseline Ultrasound 4/20ish
• Start Bravelle 150mg with Menopur - 8-15 days
• Start Cetrotide with Menopur - (7ish days after starting Bravelle)
• Estimated Retrieval - First week of May

At the end of the appointment I completely blanked.  I had no questions.  

Part of the overwhelming feeling is it being "really-real."  Every month I have hoped to get pregnant, but now it's like literally planning a baby.  For some reason that feels different to me.  I think it's because I really will be expecting a positive i.e. a negative will be a shock whereas it was the opposite for the last 12 months or so.  (At the beginning it was different...I expected the positive.)

I'm also a bit upset about the timeline.  I am very tired of waiting.  But also, I've set it in my mind that I wanted to be pregnant by my sister's showers, as I wrote about here.  This puts me right in the middle.  There is a possibility to move things up a week, but there is a chance I will have my retrieval and/or transfer with my doctor out of town.  (He's gone on Monday of one week and then Friday through Monday of the next.)

Advice please:

What should I choose?  

Move everything up a week and potentially not having my doctor, but almost definitely know the result before the showers?

or

Keep everything the same and be in the two week wait during the showers?

Knowing that I am pregnant will obviously be easiest.  Not knowing yet will be second easiest.  Knowing that I'm not will make the showers very, very hard.

I emailed the office when I got home last night and asked the following:

1. What is the reasoning behind no Lupron? 
2. Am I on an Antagonist Protocol?  (I've gathered that no Lupron (with Cetrotide later) is the antagonist protocol.  It was originally given to "poor responders" or people with diminished reserve, but it seems to be more common among many people.  Please correct me if I'm wrong but Lupron suppresses the system and the gonadotropins stimulate it.  Sometimes you need more stim after Lupron to get everything going again.)
3. Why am I on Estrogen instead of BC pill.  (I guess this is my RE's new protocol.  I've seen "Estrogen Priming" around the internet, but don't know if that's what this is or not.)

And I also asked to see if we can move things up as much as possible.

Oh and about the success guarantee.  My new FSH is 10.6 which is borderline high.  Technically that does not meet the guidelines for the guarantee.  But since everything else is within bounds, and since they it's "business" it sounds like they'll still do it for me.

Here are my other test results for reference:

Estradiol: 34.3

FSH: 10.6 (previously 8.5 - July)

AFC: 16

AMH: 4? (still waiting on new result - I don't remember ever having it tested, but they have one??)

TSH: 2.84 (July)

Prolactin: 8 (July)

It's always something.

So IVF consult is still tomorrow (or today depending on when I post this).  And you know the thing I have been most stressed about?  Getting my test results in and on time.  I have had 3 separate people from the RE office ask me when I would have the results.  They made it clear that my appointment would be canceled if the results were not in prior to the appointment.

The tests were FSH, Estradiol, AMH and the 5 STD tests required by law (HIV, HEP B, C, Syphilis, and something else).

First, I stressed about getting the tests ordered through my brand new doctor at Kaiser (with my new insurance that actually covers testing).  I emailed and after at least 3 disconnected phone calls and one that went through, my doctor said she could order the tests for me.

Then I waited until CD3.

That was a busy day at school.  Half Day.  Then leading Professional Development.  Then going to get tests.  Then going back to school for an open house.  This was the day after getting my pink slip.  But I got it done and I was feeling good.

I did make sure to ask the lady about all of the tests to make sure she had the right ones.  I did not have a list with me, but I knew it was 3 hormone tests and 5 STDs.

I got my FSH and Estradiol results really quickly.  It might have even been less than 24 hours.

But the other tests never showed up online.  I noticed that there was a note that not all tests are available online and figured that made sense for STDs so you shouldn't find out you are HIV positive online.  I just assumed anything else missing was also just not online.

I waited a week because I had heard that AMH takes a week.  Then I sent an email.  Then I waited 2 days and called.  Two days later, I finally heard back.  (That was today.)  The nurse said that she could not fax my results to the RE, but that I could come pick them up.  Annoying, but fine.

**Sorry, this is getting long...not quite finished yet.***

I left my phone, the novel I need to read for class tomorrow, and my asian milk tea that I decided to splurge on in the car since I was just picking up results.

I picked them up.

Then decided to go to the bathroom.  Since I was still there, I figured I should check out the results.  And immediately I saw that 2 results were missing.  Fuck.

I was able to meet with a nurse and when she pulled up my results, the tests said "canceled."  They were canceled 2 days after I had my blood drawn, with completely no explanation.  She spent about 10 minutes on the phone with the lab trying to figure it out, but the bottom line is that they were not done.  She was very nice and had absolutely no idea why the tests were canceled.

While she was on the phone I was silent crying and freaking out in my little cubicle I was waiting in, picturing my cycle being pushed back another 6 weeks, sure that the appointment tomorrow would also be canceled.

The end result was that she re-ordered the tests and I was able to get them immediately, but 1) I wouldn't get results for 4-5 days, 2) I didn't know whether AMH needed to be a Day 3 test.

Then I left that office to go to the lab, but I needed to pick up my phone on the way.  As I got to my car, I realized I did not have my keys.  That's when the moment really felt like a ME moment.  I'm the girl who gets bad news and then loses my keys. WTF?  They were at the reception desk, so no huge deal, but wow.

The worst part was waiting to hear back from the RE's office about the AMH.  My nurse is out of town of course, but I got a call about 15 long minutes later.

Best news out of a  shitty situation: I can still go to my appointment tomorrow; I can get both blood tests now, and my IVF will just be pushed back one week.

I'm still incredibly annoyed, but relieved that I still have an appointment tomorrow.

I was very much about to completely melt down.

Instead, I decided that we needed to go out to dinner instead of me making enchiladas.

I want a work-free glass of wine.

A Mental Shift: From When to If

First I want to say that I was very interested and slightly surprised by the responses to Baby Shower Season.  I'm always amazed by how honest everyone is.  And it always makes me feel a little bit better, more human, more normal.  I think the biggest reason that showers are hard (which came up in the comments) is the "other people" at the shower who don't know you or your journey.  The ones who will ask every inappropriate question under the sun (like my Dad's girlfriend - read the Christmas post).  It's scary not knowing what you might encounter.  Anyway, thanks for the comments!

I'm kinda of biding my time until tomorrow evening's post after my IVF consult.  So here's another post from the past, just last month, but it's still extremely relevant.

*This post was originally written in February*

Somehow over the last few months my mental state has shifted considerably.

I used to be concerned with when I would get pregnant.  This caused all kinds of stress from comparing myself when other people got pregnant to imagining my life in different months pregnant or not pregnant.

But now I'm concerned with if I will get pregnant.  Can I?  This is a whole different can of worms.  In my day to day life, it's less stressful to have this mindset.  I'm less concerned with comparing myself to others. I feel and think less "whiny."  It's made me be much less concerned about time passing and more able to focus on my life.

But overall it's a much darker place because if I can't get pregnant, then what?  You've read some of my past few posts that have started exploring this issue.

Why the shift now?  Was is month 19?  Was it IUI #3?  Was it seeing IVF in the very near future?

When did you shift from when to if?

*Added Today*

I'm extremely stuck in the I won't have children place right now.  I want IVF to work, but I'm planning on it not working.  Is this terrible?  Part of me is just completely tired of the process and of WANTING.  I don't want to WANT anymore.  It's so much easier not to WANT.

Baby Shower Season

Let me take a second to try to process how I feel about the upcoming showers I will be attending and/or hosting.

I think I'm 90% ok with it.

The first shower is next weekend.  It's for our good friends who are pregnant with their IVF#1 baby.  They got married exactly one year before us and started IVF time-wise, at exactly the same point we are currently at (just last year).  So she's kind of like my IVF mentor.  I absolutely want to be at her shower.

She, on the other hand, completely quit going to baby showers when she was around the same IF point as me.  But she's a bit more emo than I am : ) (which she would readily admit).  So I'm not really worried about attending her shower, but I think I'll have a little anxiety about whether someone will ask me something or say something to make me want to cry.

Then there's my sister.  Here's a review of my sister/s baby timeline:

After I had been trying for about 6 months, sister calls me out of the blue and says she's pregnant.  I respond by crying.  (After I get off the phone.)  I'm a little distant and bitchy until she has a miscarriage about 2 weeks later.  Shit.  Now I feel like the worst sister in the entire world!  (My sister and I are very close.  We talk just about every day.)  Jealousy issue solved.  It takes her about 6 months after a 2 month break to get pregnant the second time and I have been excited for her every minute.  She's due in late June.

My mom and her MIL are hosting a shower for the "adults" and I am hosting the shower for the "kids."  I'm a little worried about it.  I've already gotten excited about buying stuff for my new nephew, I even have a pinterest board devoted to him, and I want to paint cute murals in his nursery.  But something makes me feel weird about planning the shower, at least all by myself.  And I can't exactly explain why.

I actually really love baby showers.  My mom emailed me to see whether I thought decorating onesies was fun or cheesy. I responded that I love cheese (and decorating onesies!).

I think the issue I'm having is putting in a lot of time and stress planning while going through IVF or right after IVF.  If it's successful, great.  But if it's not, I'm afraid at how I'll react.

I'm really hoping that I'm pregnant at her shower.  That way I could entirely enjoy the day (instead of 90%).

These will be showers 3 and 4 since I started TTC.

How have the rest of you dealt with hosting and/or going to showers?

Is it the Estrogen?

Welcome ICLWers!  I'm so excited to see some new faces especially since many of you are right around IVF#1 too!

I've been pretty lucky throughout my IF journey to avoid most side-effects.  I responded well to just 50mg of Clomid and have not taken much else.

But I have had a terrible headache over the last couple of days and it finally clicked that it's probably the Estrace!  I'm taking 4mg a day (1 in the morning, 1 at night).  I've taken up to 6mg before, but vaginally and only for 3-4 days.  Today is day #7 of the 4mg.

I've suffered occasionally from migraines in my life and my head seems to be the most sensitive part of me.  This headache is like pinching between my eyes or my forehead.  I originally thought it was from scanning quickly through...well...Facebook updates...on my phone.  But as it worsened throughout the day yesterday, even while staying off my phone, I decided it was definitely googleable. (Is that how you would spell googleable?)  And yes, I did see headaches listed with Estrace use.

I'm also having weird moments of queasiness - like just for a flash.  This is probably part of the reason I keep having pregnant thoughts.  I've also been quite tired and have had a bit of heartburn and my boobs are slightly more tender than normal.  (I don't get boob pain, so slightly tender is about as much as I ever feel.)

All of these seem associated with Estrogen.  But I prefer to hear from the masses.

What were your experiences on Estrogen?  Will these last forever?  Or is this just a slight precurser of all the crazy I will be feeling when I get to injectables?

ETA: I told my students to "Stand up for the quiz" instead of "the pledge."  Then I started a quiz saying "Ok, number 2" totally skipping number 1.  I've definitely done this word switching before when I've had migraines. I emailed my nurse to make sure she is not concerned.

My 1st ICLW! and a Fake Cycle

After 6 months of blogging, I'm finally joining the real conversation!  Welcome ICLWers.  And if you want to join the conversation, there's still time - today only.  Go to Stirrup-Queens and sign-up.

In summary: About to start IVF #1 (consult next Tuesday) after 3 failed IUI + Clomid cycles.  We have low morphology and thin lining but no known major issues beyond that.  And we are at the 21 month mark.

I'm taking Estrogen right now instead of actual birth control (but it's basically the same thing, right?) and I know that this is not a "real" cycle since the nurses will have me end it with Provera at any given moment, but it's kind of weird!

I have EWCM today.  Lots of it.  Probably because of the Estrogen.  And it's CD 10, so a little early for me, but about the time I'd be gearing up for some BD time or going in the the RE to check follicle size.  Instead...I'm doing nothing!

Because this cycle isn't real.

Part of me loves the break.  We don't have to have sex unless we want to.  I don't have to worry about any possible symptoms or signals or anything.  I need a break and this is a nice short one.

But it's also very strange since all I've been trying to do for the last 21 months is worry about when this period of time would occur and hope that I could do something productive with it.

I'm also still having some of the phantom "what if I'm actually pregnant right now?" thoughts.  They were worse last week, but they're still lingering.  Maybe because of the warning on my Estrace bottle that I should not take it while pregnant.

The thoughts go something like this: "I know I had a full blown period, but it really only lasted 2 days, so what if I'm actually pregnant?"  Or, "I know the NP was all up in there 2 days ago and took an ultrasound of my uterus and there was nothing in there, but what if I'm actually pregnant?"  And finally, "Yes, I took a test on CD6 because I could smell really well and was really tired, and yes it was negative, but what if I'm actually pregnant?" I AM NOT PREGNANT.  OBVIOUSLY.

Does anyone else have this problem?  It's come and gone throughout the last year and a half, but it's really weird.  Kind of like "Phantom Limb Syndrome."

Anyway.  Welcome ICLWers.  I promise I'm not a complete crazy person.  Usually, I'm quite rational. : )

If you are new, I'd love to hear from you!  Comments are wide open...

Just Waiting.

I haven't had much to say lately.

I guess I'm just waiting.

I haven't even been able to get up the effort to write the Healing Salon summary.

I'm not depressed.  But I'm also not very motivated to do...anything.

I think part of it is the time of year.  Spring Break is in 2 weeks.  Testing is around the corner.  I can't BELIEVE this school year is kind of almost over.  (10 weeks)

And I'm really just waiting for IVF.

I don't like not having a plan, not knowing what will come next.  And I've done pretty well accepting that my maybe baby will not come according to plan either.  But IVF is a solid plan, I just don't know what the plan is and it's frustrating!!

My consult is next Tuesday, so I will know then, but I guess I'm just going through the motions until then (on the blog, planning my classes, etc...not much is getting done except in very short spurts).

Yesterday I had my SHG.  It was fine although I could do without ever having my cervix swabbed with Iodine again.  Gross and uncomfortable.  And then pushing around inside there will both a catheter and ultrasound wand?  Not the most enjoyable feeling.  But no fibroids or polyps, so that's good.  We discussed 21 Jumpstreet while it was going on.  I saw it this weekend and it was hysterical.  Really.  I had low expectations and ended up laughing throughout the whole thing.  I am actually old enough to have watched the original - granted I was young.  Anyone else?

I'm still waiting on my CD3 test results too.  I've gotten 2 results, but need all of them for it to matter.  I guess AMH takes a week?  I'm stressed that it will be difficult to call the right person to fax my results over to my RE.  I keep debating whether to call know before all results are in or wait until they're in.  But if the RE doesn't have them by appt time, appt is canceled.  I just want everything done and settled.  In-between is not my favorite place.

So that's what's going on over here.

Photo Challenge Update #3

I got a little overwhelmed by the photo challenge, but I'm back in it!  I guess my inspiration only comes in spurts...photographer's block?

I've taken these over the last couple of weeks.

Day 7: Purple
I bring my Nalgene water bottle with me just about everywhere I go.  I'm not a great water drinker when it's not summer, so at school, I make a lot of herbal tea.  I like to think I'm eco-conscious although there is probably so much more I can do.  But I do not believe in bottled water.  Check out the documentary Tapped and also read this article about how children have so many cavities today because of not drinking flouridated tap water.

Day 10: Love
I love it when my puppy holds on to me with her front legs. It seems so human!

Day 12: Eat
I'm not much of a cook, but I'm really trying.  This was my first Pinterest recipe that I made, Asian Noodle Salad.  It took me a full two hours to chop up all of the ingredients fresh, but I felt very proud afterwards.  It was such a healthy dinner!  FYI...I added chicken so that Mr. GG would eat it.  (He LOVED it.) And I used 2 serrano peppers and tons of cilantro like the recipe asked for.  Result: too spicy for me (I could barely eat it) but Mr. GG and my friend loved the spice.  I made it again the next week with less cilantro, more chicken, penne pasta instead of linguine, and two different batches of the sauce and it was even better.

Day 17: Green
Practicing for St. Paddy's Day...Friday night.  I know green beer is cheesy, but I like a little cheese on holidays : ).

Wine...yum. (Time-Warp Post)

I'm gearing up for my 100th post!  But I have a few posts that were not published for some reason or another so I'm going through and deleting the ones that are either not relevant anymore or just not very good.  But this one deserves it's moment.

*This post was originally written on 10/23/11.*

So enjoyed my GIGANTIC class of wine tonight.  Not as big as Big Carl on Cougar Town...but big.  It was the kind of glass where there is too much left in the bottle to leave for tomorrow, but too much for one glass.  I drank it anyway : )

And I deserved it!  What a busy Sunday.  Woke up after my awesome slumber party with my sis.  (Troop Beverly Hills followed by RENT, accompanied by ice cream and popcorn.)  Went to Mr. GG's grandma's house to give her morning pills. (Mr. GG is in New Orleans for a work trip and his aunt and uncle who grandma lives with, are on a cruise.)  Plan for the day was to clean the house...BIG job.  And then grade college essays.  I forgot that I told my 10th graders that they could email me essays to help them edit so that took an additional 3 hours.  I did get all cleaning done, but no college essays.  At 8:30 I realized I need to go back to give grandma her PM pills and to get the AM ones ready.

Finally, at 9, I was ready to relax.  Hence the big glass of wine.  I really need to get to bed (it's 10:22...alarm goes off at 5:20) but I've got one...more...sip.  Ok. Done. G'night blogland.

-Mrs. GG

Rebel Leader? No thank you.

I'm exhausted and it's only Wednesday night!  I really don't know where I'll get the energy to get through the next two days.  I'm hoping wine is the answer.  Ok...I know that wine will only make it worse tomorrow, but it tastes sooo good right now!

As you know, I got a lay-off notice yesterday.  My sister is a teacher too and we've been talking about our frustration with things going on in our state, district and union for many months now.  We both feel like we should DO something, but don't always know where to start.

A few weeks ago our union asked us to vote on something, but gave us false options to choose from (we are not idiots!) and then mis-stated the results of the vote.  My sister wrote a letter to the union president and then emailed it to me.  I (revised and then) sent another version myself.  We then forwarded to a bunch of teachers...she more than me because I was scared to ruffle feathers.

Then we got layoff notices.  I hear frustration oozing out of the community of teachers who are affected, most of whom have received the same notice the last 4 years in a row.  Imagine trying to work extremely hard at a difficult job and know that after it all the job may not exist any more. 

So I created a Facebook group for teachers to discuss their feelings.

And I'm really nervous about it.

There's a lot of black-balling that goes on when people don't "band together." How is educated discussion wrong!?  I know some people are less politically correct than I am, but still...

I don't know where this group will go.  My goal is to be a good mediator that keeps the discussion from getting emotional (i.e. no mud-slinging) which is what I abhor about politics.  Let's just stick to real facts (not twisted ones) and issues.  But I don't want to be labeled as the "rebel leader" in this situation.  It could seriously hurt my relationship with my colleagues.

I would still do the same thing again though.  I don't regret it.  But I'm stressed out.

And this is after leading 4 hours of professional development over the past 2 days, grading papers the ENTIRE weekend as in I didn't leave my kitchen table except to eat and walk the dog, and staying at school until 7 tonight for a meeting AND filling my Estrace and Provera prescriptions and getting bloodwork in between PD and meeting tonight.

I'm angry and I'm tired and I'm stressed...not extremely agitated, but the just over it kind.

Update

If you are looking for the "Healing Salon," you can find it here.

Today is CD1.  I started spotting on Saturday so I wasn't shocked when my temp dropped yesterday and AF started today.  I celebrated with In-N-Out and REAL caffeinated diet coke for lunch yesterday.  If you aren't from the West Coast, you really need to have In-N-Out when you are out here!  I don't eat fast food really at all, except for In-N-Out.  It was delish.

So today is the day that IT all starts!  I call RE to schedule our IVF consult.  I fill my scrips for Estrace and Provera, and I go in for CD3 testing on Wednesday....

W...O...W.

ETA: Sonohystogram on Monday.  IVF Consult on Tuesday 3/27.

Merry-go-Round Healing Salon

After reading this post by Mel about having different bloggers host discussions to help "heal" the community, I decided to volunteer.

Like (In)fertililty Unexplained, I am not majorly emotionally invested in the PAIL debate.  I am a very interested bystander, well not bystander because I've commented, but as a newer blogger (6 months), I have only recently learned the extent of this community and opened myself up further to participate in it.  I understand and empathize with both sides.  But I am also disturbed by mean comments, wherever they occur.

I'm a mediator.  As a teacher, it's a part of my every day job, and I think I'm pretty good at it.  I guess we'll soon see whether or not this translates into the blogosphere.

I see a few major issues that should be discussed.

1) What can we, should we, should we not say on the internet?

For example: This is my blog and I can say whatever I want.  But do I?  No.  For a variety of reasons.  I'd like to hear your take.

A side note:  There is some civility severely lacking in the world right now.  Trust me; I teach high school.  Is this the issue? Or part of it?

2) Part of me thinks that bloggers (i.e. the pregnant ones) not thinking that they can openly blog about their pregnancy is kind of a non-issue.  Some people will stop following you just like in real life, some people will stop calling you to hang out for awhile.  Because they have complicated feelings and/or are in a different place.  Not everyone can stay BFFs in every situation.

But at the same time, I totally understand the need for support and community once you get pregnant after infertility.  It's a big deal, fraught with all kind of extra fears and concerns that some women do not understand (i.e. the fertile pregnant ones).  I also understand that you do not want to make the still unsuccessful infertiles feel bad.  I've seen some extreme (I guess "bitching" would put it mildly) by some infertiles in the forums I frequent re: all kinds of issues, including posts by pregnant women.

So what's the answer?  What needs to be said to let the support continue?  Because I truly believe that almost everyone in this community wants to be happy and supportive.

So please comment.  But please be civil.  I am a huge advocate of a rational discussion.  And I am so curious to see how this will work on the internet.  And I hope to be pleasantly surprised.  It seems that the members of this community really are a kind, educated (if somewhat hormonal) bunch : ). 

Please think about how to get your message across, but at the same time, how your words will sound to all of the different people who will read them.

Thank you.
-Mrs. GG.

White Space

Well, it's was a BFN this morning, but I haven't given up all hope.

Temp was up a degree.  I know it's not much, but after 6 day of 97.6, it's nice to see a 97.7(3)!

Last time I felt twinges at 7dpo and got my BFP at 10.  This time it was 9dpo.

I'm not that upset.  I'll test again Sunday...

Miracle Month Ending Soon (Freaking Out) - 9dpo

I'm kind of starting to freak out.  I guess understandably so.  I don't really belive in symptoms anymore.  Bloating, veins, gas, a cold?  Please.  There are almost no reliable pre-BFP symptoms.

But I still believe in the ones I had during my chemical pregnancy aka My BFP for 4 1/2 days.   That month I had somewhat significant cramping on 7dpo.  Not "intense" but more vague overall cramping as well as some "twinges."  I was also super exhausted.  That's about it.  But I pretty much knew I was pregnant and got my BFP at 10dpo.  I can't believe that was 6 months ago!

This month I've gotten through the 2WW pretty quickly, but I'm starting to freak out a bit.  I've been tired since 5dpo.  But it's very hard for me to tell the difference between exhaustion and very tired (which I often am...teaching is tiring!).  The difference to me is kind of "hitting a wall" at some point in the early afternoon and also early evening.  Like literally not being able to keep my eyes open.  But it's not like this never happens on non-pregnant months.

Yesterday I got a canker sore.  I'm not immune to canker sores, but I really think it's been about a year since the last one.  And I don't remember eating anything weird.  So of course I proceeded to google canker sores and bfps.  It turns out canker sores definitely have a hormonal connection (although they in no way denote pregnancy on their own).  But since I don't get them often, I decided to leave it as a maybe.

And then today I definitely had some of that uterine twingey feeling.  It's kind of like an itchiness, but in just the right spot (not vaginal).  It hasn't been frequent enough to call home about, but it's not common for me and it definitely makes me a little excited.

Which totally freaks me out.  I really want to test (and will tomorrow I think) but I really don't want to see my miracle month come to an end... (For the new readers this week, welcome!  This is a natural month after 3 failed Clomid + IUI months. Next cycle is IVF.  Hence, I call it my "miracle month").

I've gotten through this month by totally not expecting anything.  How can I?  I'm 1/19.  But I really, really want it.  More than just about any other month.  I quit googling symptoms and comparing charts many cycles ago, but I've found myself back to my old ways this month.  What the hell?

By the way, due date is November 20.  Right before lots of teaching vacations.  Perfect. 

I don't hope for or expect to get a BFP, but I want one anyway.  Really bad.

My Take on PAIL

I told Mr. GG on Monday night that there was drama in the IF internet community.  He doesn't quite get it, but it's totally weird to be involved in a world outside of typical human contact.  I'm still a newbie in blog-land.  I also do not like drama or confrontation, but I do like to speak my mind (to try to rationalize and calm debate rather than incite it) so I have read all of Mel's posts and most of the comments and have made comments myself.  I think it was brave of Mel to post about how she was feeling, but also that she had to do it.  And I know that some comments were mean, but I also saw many that were helpful, rational, and supportive to the whole community.

I think it's an important issue that deserves some attention and time.

So here's the take of a 20 month infertile on her way to IVF.

* * * * *

I understand why PAIL came about.  I want a badge, an award, when (if) I finally get pregnant.  I want someone to be able to briefly stop by my blog and see that although I am pregnant and/or parenting, that I have struggled through infertility and that my story might interest people still going through it.  I would like to see that on other people's blogs.

So I think the "badge" of PAIL makes sense and I'd like to see it continue.

It doesn't even bother me to have a separate blogroll, although I understand why it bothers Mel.  And I would still really like to see a PAIL section on her blogroll and have everyone go back to being a big happy family.

Don't we have to stick together?  I mean, how can we not?  Your success should be inspiring hope in the rest of us, not making us feel worse that we are stuck where we are.

* * * * *

Which brings me to the separate IComLeavWe type of thing which is totally disagree with.  I'm joining IComLeavWe for the first time this month, but I've followed it for a couple.  I rarely read the parenting blogs.  I'm not there right now.  It's a protection type of thing.  But I'm still glad they are there.  I only began realizing this in the last month or so as I started to learn more about IVF.  I looked for more blogs of ladies who have had IVF successes so that I can understand more and have more realistic expectations and understanding of the process.  When I'm in the mood, I will seek this info out.  If I'm in a more sorry state, I will stick to people in the same stage as myself.

But moving the conversation away is like deleting the old blogs that Mel discussed.  It's valuable and deserves to be shared.

* * * * *

Some people have complained of losing readers after becoming pregnant.  Well, I've lost readers because they have become pregnant.  And it kind of bugs me, but I also completely get it!  I've joined a ton more blogs since I wrote my post on Pregnancy Blogs.  Basically because I want to keep expanding my network outside of the forums since they are no longer meeting my needs because of where I am in this journey.

I will unfollow some of those blogs at some point.  It might be because you are at a very different stage than me.  It might be because I've just found myself not clicking on your posts as often.  But like I've seen many other people say, if I "know" you (in the internet sense), then I will keep following you because I care about you.  I may read fewer posts, but I will check in every now and then and see how you are doing.  And I really hope that you do the same for me.

But I don't think that pregnant bloggers should change what they post.  I agree with unaffected that it actually makes me feel a bit worse to be "shielded" from information.  I want to have the choice whether or not to come read.  I'm a big girl and although I have good IF days and bad IF days, I would like to do my own censoring.

* * * * *

I think it all comes down to the fact that we all have a right to feel the way we feel.  We just have to choose what we want to say to the world and understand that it will have an effect.  I think there is a way to be compassionate and true to yourself at the same time.

Lazy, Crazy Randomness and Some Pictures

Mr. GG was snoring last night and since I woke up, I decided to take my temp. I thought it was 5:30.
Confession: my bedside clock is still an hour off, since like October when the time change was. I'm a lazy, lazy girl. My temp was above the cover line but lower than normal so I'm thinking it was actually 4:30. No way to confirm, oh well.

Update: I totally have a yoga injury.  I think it happened doing a shoulder stand and then bending so my legs were over my head.  Nothing hurt while I was doing it, but omg I was in major pain by the evening.  It's pretty much better by today, 2 days later, but I could barely move (or sneeze) the last 2 days.  Soo glad that allergy season is starting early this year in CA!

All day Sunday I googled 5dpo symptoms.  I don't know what's wrong with me! I really do like the Countdown to Pregnancy site though because you can see that only x% of pregnant people report this symptom as opposed to y% of not pregnant people.  Here's a snapshot at 7, my current dpo.  (Only symptoms are fatigue and gas...not too strange.)

And now for Photo Challenge time.

I'm really stuck on ILLUMINATE and COMMUTE so I'll just post Day 3 and 6.

I'm actually going to put Day 6 first, CHALLENGE.

This was originally going to be my pic for DOMESTIC, but I had two and this definitely qualifies as a challenge so...here it is.  I'm not proud of this picture readers.  And yes, they are all dirty even though they look like they could just be drying (except for the dessert bowl with chocolate fudge stuck to it).  And I took this on Saturday and it's still not done.  Ugh.  I promise to do it tonight as soon as I get home!  

ETA: I did it when I got home!!!  Yay, me!

So I am clearly not very domestic at least according to my own definition of cooking and cleaning and being on top of everything at home.  

But I did do this:  (Day 3 DOMESTIC)

I redesigned my dining room before hosting Thanksgiving.  This wall gave me a lot of trouble, but as soon as I saw the Wish plate at West Elm, I was inspired.  (Plates and shelves are from West Elm, everything else is IKEA.)

Ok back to trying to get caught up with papers and planning in my day job.

March Photo Challenge #1: Pieces of Me

I decided to join Belle's March Photo Challenge because it sounds fun and I'd like some random filler content, but I also secretly want to learn how to be a photographer.

I'm 31 and I know absolutely zilch about photography.

I will be taking my pictures with my trusty iphone and they will probably be grainy : ).  I asked Mr. GG for a fancy camera for Christmas, but like a starter version.  He didn't get me one.  So iphone it is.

Day 1 is a self-portrait:

I want to reveal a little bit about myself, but still remain virtually anonymous so here are my 2 top picks. 

Deleted

Yep, super grainy.  But that's me.  (After getting home from soccer last night. I guess I'm only sort of not playing anymore.)

Day 2: Feet

Would you be surprised if I said that I already had a picture of my feet on my phone?  Yes?  Well remember that Mr. GG is a foot person.  I sent him this pic last week when he was out of town to "Bring the Sexy Back."

I couldn't figure out any angle to make them look better than this.  And I was too lazy to stand up...

Now that you've seen 2 pieces of me, let me throw in a 3rd for good measure.

My knee after last night.

Happy Saturday.

Some Rambling

Today was one of those days where your pants are just a little bit too tight.  Just tight enough to make you slightly cranky and feeling fat without precisely knowing why.  Well...to be honest I also had a half a cinnamon roll that was in the staff lounge, then a bag of goldfish, and later a half a donut.  Hmm...yes, that is why I'm feeling a bit of self-loathing today.

I ran 4 miles yesterday!  It's been a long time since I've gone running, but since I'm not playing soccer anymore I need something else to stay in shape...hence the tight pants.

Do any of the rest of you feel like you should be automatically thinner the day after running 4 miles?  Me too.  Obviously a pipe dream.

Read Across America was fun but exhausting...even though I wasn't in charge.  I made a new 5 year old BFF named Kailee. She has a sister and is moving to Georgia and she wanted a butterfly painted on her face, no, not a small butterfly, a butterfly on her whole face and no she doesn't want to dance with the rest of the kids and look at her sparkly nail polish!

She held on to my hand for a solid hour.  Even when she had to stand a step below me to take a picture.

I love kids.  (I'm not so sure about babies. They still scare me a bit.  Well at least other people's babies do.)  When there's a kid at an adult party, I'm usually the one he/she is playing with.

In other news, I'm 2 dpo.  My temp rose when I thought it did.  I had some nice EWCM. And our BD schedule was impeccable.  And in the last 2 days I saw both of the hugely pregnant ladies at work who got married the year after me.

Pretty please fertility gods?  Can I please have this one?